Little Man Syndrome by Donnien - Short, Drama - Guy Smith is fed up with the judgemental ways of this world and decides he will no longer be victimized by it. Unfortunately, things go terribly wrong when he takes matters into his own hands. 8 pages - fdr, format

Donnie,

Not everyone has Final Draft!!  Resubmit your script as a .rtf or a .pdf file, otherwise you won't get too many people looking at it.

This script was really good.  I enjoyed reading it and could only find two or three things wrong with it.

The first was your formatting, particularly your descriptions of things.  You're a bit wordy for the most part, and you describe things in ways that can't be recorded by the camera.  Mentioning that Guy's clothing is custom tailored is a good example.  Saying that he likes his new Mafioso look look is another one.  How would the camera show that he's pleased with his appearance?  When describing things in a screenplay, you should rely on visual and audio descriptions.

Another problem I had was that Guy owned (and carried) a .45 Desert Eagle.  While I'm not familiar with that particular model, I do know that .45's are big-ass handguns.  I owned one once and I can't see someone with small hands using one.  Switch that to a .22 or something.

On the bottom of page 5, you state that 'the Fat Kid grabs Vic.'  Is this a typo?  Was this guy's original name?

Finally, the last thing in the script (page 7) is the word 'continued.'  Is this a typo, also?

The story was good.  It flowed nicely and you told it well.  I felt for Guy and that's something hard to do with a short script.



Phil

Thanks for taking some time out to read my script, Phil. I'm definitely going to submit it again using a pdf format.

Sorry for the confusion... Vic is the main character in the feature film I'm writing.
I read the short script again and found that I mixed up the names a couple of times. I also doubled up on one of the mother's lines... argh! Anyways, thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll be sure to put it to good use.

Hi Donnie

Nice job on this...built up some good tension and suspense, to the point where I knew I wouldn't want to be that next guy...

You describe guy as being skinny...Most of the guys I've known being vertically challenged are always built-up and muscular as a compensation, like a fire hydrant or Sly Stallone...

Mom's voice over gave good indication of what his mental state was like, not so good.

I didn't like the fact that he is willing to kill 3rd graders...However, understanding his point of view and where he was coming from, perhaps it was the fact that he pulled the trigger on the Fat Kid is what drove him to off himself...

Anyway, liked it.

Joe

Hey Donnie

First off, try not to include camera directions.  I know it's hard when you picture it in your head.

One thing that reads strange 'he looks up at the sky'.  Isn't he indoors?  I know what you mean but it reads a bit weird.

I have to agree with blakkwolfe about the kids, bit of a touchy age group I would have thought.  Maybe safer if they were late teens or something but if that's were you wanna come from.

Phil pointed out that a .44 is a big gun and he's right, a desert eagle is an extremely powerful handgun and so would be difficult for someone as slight as Guy.

Overall though I liked this short and with a bit of tightening would read better.  A good effort.

To add to the discussion:  I wouldn't assume that Guy was wearing custom clothes rather than just clothes from the kids department if I were watching this.  Being as slight as he is, he sounds like he would blend in pretty well with kids.  Kinda like Invader Zim.

The bully's were over the top in their bullying.  In two regards:  1) Going to that extreme, they would have felt/found the hand cannon before the even had an opportunity to grab his underwear.  2) Going to that level of humiliation with someone over their height doesn't play naturally.  My brother was really short until late into high school and was picked on a lot for that.  I was really tall for my age until age 12 (when I stopped growing) and was picked on a lot for that.  I can tell you that it's much easier to pants the taller ones and to beat up on/throw the smaller ones.

I didn't feel sorry for Guy.  When he first shows the gun, my mind instantly concludes that he's going to off himself.  While the mom is talking, I'm more convinced he'll use it on himself.  After he shoots the kid, suicide.  He might be short, he might have lost his job, he may have bad parents, but I never see him dealing with it.  Not to mention he has nicer clothes than I'll be able to afford and (as far as I can tell) can afford to live on his own.

I'd suggest a different time, different place, different gun, older (possibly same age) bullies, less voice-over, and describe only what we can see from where the camera is.