The Adventures of 4Play Phil by Jeremiah Olzman (another_punchline) - Short, Comedy - In a world of crime, cold injustice, and sexual inadequacy only one man has the balls to give a licking to those who seek self centered sexual stimulation.  Whenever you man says, “no foreplay.” Just call out his name and you will be saved. Just call out, 4Play Phil! 13 pages - pdf, format

Was looking for a short to read and yours grabbed my attention. Funny stuff overall!  I'm guessing this is a fast first draft, it's rife with typos throughout.  I liked the riff on the Batman TV series fight scenes, and you had some good wordplay in there.

It reads like a deleted scene from Kentucy Fried Movie, that type of low brow but funny stuff. The opening was a bit rough, felt a bit forced, don't know if you want to go back and really streamline the "origin" or save it for another installment. You could communicate the same with a rapid fire voice over - maybe the voice over narrating comic book styled panels that tell the origin of 4Play Phil.

The "lost keys" gag was good, that played out well. The ending was a bit shaky, maybe not enough of a slam dunk joke to close it out on. But all in all, you knew the kinds of gags you were aiming for and it more more hit than miss. I kept chuckling and turning pages as I was shaking my head.  Thanks for the laughs.

Quoted from mikep It reads like a deleted scene from Kentucky Fried Movie

Except it wasn't deleted.  It was the Big Jim Slade story.

I agree there are a lot lot lot of typos, misspellings and missing words here, which have become par for the course with your scripts.  These things aren't that long.  I'm sure you can afford the little bit of time it takes to read through them a few more times.

I will say that this is better than the previous sketches posted on here, though.  There are some technical issues I noticed, but we should work on the typo stuff first before getting into that.

I'll redo it and look for typos.  I've heard friends talk about Kentucky Fried Movie but I've never had the urge to go out and rent it. Maybe I will now.

I am interested in what the technical issues were, though.

Well, looking at this as a spec, you've got too many camera directions in here.  If you're planning on filming this yourself, it doesn't really matter, but if not I'd take them out.

the "4Play"s are fine for your title, and your SUPER (if filming yourself), but in the dialogue you should have it simply as "foreplay".  No need to get fancy with things in dialogue, and numbers should be spelled out.  This goes for descriptions too.  Four, or in this case, Fore instead of 4.

hey, here are my notes.  when we first see the jager poured into the beer which causes the transformation, we need to see phil have some sort of reaction to drinking that drink that causes him to take on that superhero form (perhaps show him steal gary's girl).  also, i think when his phone rings to 'ladies night', there's no need for him to say 'my secret signal'.  if he says 'a woman is in need', i think we'll get the point.  i also thought the loss of the keys went on a bit too long.  i think it would be better if he says 'have you seen my keys?' and then the scene ends.  the awkwardness in that scene didn't play as well for me.  also, i'm not sure how i feel about the batman titles.  it's just been spoofed so many times, i think it might be better if you came up with your own sort of comedic fighting (like do you remember in austin powers "Judo chop!").  i thought you're ending was the best part of the script, kind of clever.  a lot of this reminded me of arrested development, with the V.O. and absurdity.  but too many scenes go on for too long, and, as others have mentioned, there are way too many typos        

Sorry for the typos, again. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No more...

I agree with the 4, four, I wrote it like that because on his suit it would be the number, 4Play. So I see that in my head and that's how it comes out. I noticed I wasn't consistent, I'll go back and make the correction.

Dkw,

The original did have him stealing Greg's girl, as well as stealing the drink from the girl who spilled her drink on him, then kissing her and pulling her away as she gives him a desperate look for more. I took it out as the script was getting a little long.

"My secret signal," was put in as a on-the-nose line in reference to the cheesy and unnecessarily obvious Batman dialogue. I will put in the 'woman in need,' but I am going to keep the first line.

I was worried about the Batman titles but I think this was done a little different with what is being said. Not at first to establish the reference, but after I think the absurdity keep it afloat.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Holy cr**.  What's with all the typo's?

:-)

Just kidding.  Well, I'm not kidding, but you know what I mean.  If you do post a story, and I'm not referring to only you, but you might as well post a well grammared draft of it so the reader doesn't have to figure out what word you were trying to spell, or how a sentence should read without any words missing, and they can get straight to the jokes without being put off by awkward english.

And there were some chuckles in this one.

If you were going for an SNL-type sketch, you could probably chop this one down a bit, as it's pretty long.  Just getting rid of the camera directions and condensing some of the action will probably take you down four or five pages.

If you were going for an 'Underground Comedy Movie', or as somebody suggested, 'Kentucky Fried Movie'-type sketch, you could probably even expand on some of the jokes.  Some were funny, but some also seemed same-old same-old, but you can make those ones a lot dirtier thanks to the comfort of an R-rating.  The Cockblocker was awesome, but that's about as dirty as you got.  I was kind of hoping to see some NC-17, honestly, as the FCC usually lets those kind of movies slide with certain sex filth.

Anyhow, like I said, I did find it amusing.

- Mark

Mark,

I probably won't make it any longer, but I will substitute some luke warm jokes with some dirty humor, I don't mind that.