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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  House of Cards Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 11th, 2008, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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House of Cards by Larkin Hill - Horror, Psychological Thriller - When Bruce's father dies an untimely death and leaves him the family farm, Bruce decides to sell the farm as a way of escaping his childhood demons. But when Bruce's wife and son begin acting strange and the demons come back to reclaim Bruce, there's no escape. 93 pages - rtf, format


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pippo
Posted: March 17th, 2008, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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I have to say firstly that I had problems with this retaining it's format, which probably didn't help with how it read.

I think the storyline is pretty standard, although I felt that there was little history, and no explanation. What were the creatures?, had they always been there? was this just a genetic mental instability passed down to Bruce and he was in fact the murderer. It thows up many questions, and they lead nowhere.

I also found the characters were erratic. In the first half I found it difficult to believe Ronnie was older than 8 or 9, during the second half he acted more like a 15 yr old. Bruce and Marilyn's relationship was equally confusing, who's angry at whom, why? there's some loose reference to an incident at the plant, but what happened?

If you expanded on the story, give us some more background, follow the threads through to a conclusion and make your characters easier to connect with, you could have a pretty good script here.


Box? what box? No-one told me I was supposed to think inside a box!
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: March 20th, 2008, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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I hope I didn’t come of harsh, if so I don’t think you’d have it any other way. I also want to congratulate you for even completing anything from mind to paper that endeavor still awes me every time. Now….

  One of problems with the story is it doesn’t, as weird as it sounds, live up to the premise. I agree with pippo that the objective in the context that the premise put it was simple, but it’s rather confusing or shallow, and I’m having trouble deciding based on the actual story itself. Many of the mistakes that are through out the story are apparent in the beginning parts.

  First, none of the major characters Bruce, Marline, or Ronnie not only show potential to grow from, but also they don’t even show potential. They are flat. Flat because they all talk and act in one way through out the story. Now, characters like this are valuable, especially when they are variations of a rounded character that are the major characters, but not when it’s all you got.

  
  Because of this characters come as repetitive and the action and revelation too. For example, when it’s apparent that Ronnie cuts, his arm, and his parents are the reason why. You give us another scene in the restaurant where Ronnie excuses himself to go to the bathroom where he cuts his arm. Why are we seeing this it’s been established? However I believe this scene could of given value if this attempt of cutting himself turned out different than anything assumed like his father catches him, or it’s revealed his cutting his leg as well, or after exiting blood seeps through his shirt and he lies about it.

The scene also would of worked if you had expanded on another part of the story and then continue to add texture to this aspect of the storyline, but that’s not what happened. I think this what pippo was talking about when he means expansion. Pippo mention backstory, I don’t care but you have to expand one way or the other or both, adding detail and texture along the way.


CONTINUED


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: March 20th, 2008, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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  This scene is also another problem is what Bruce says and doesn’t says that goes on for like 90 percent of the story. His mood, his actually words are even repetitive. I think in order to show when the something really bother him you have to show what he looks like actually happy, so we can see the change. He never changes. This goes for the wife too. And Ronnie. Also it’s not for nothing to show them happy or civil, I mean she did marry him and that is son.

  What also happens from having Bruce in this mood is that he never has anybody to open to so he has to speak to himself in aww ha! Moments so the audience gets the situation or how he’s felling which makes it all exposition, which is another way of showing and not telling. I do give you credit though on the actual narrative parts I found it a breeze to read through in a way where you didn’t have to digest too much. But again what I was digesting was more of the same. But I got through it fast. I hope you understand the pro and con I’m trying to get to. You don’t have to change you’re actual writing style. I liked it. But structural it’s tough.

The observation of the pizza scene can be adopted for a lot of the following scenes. Many are faced with the same problem the major characters entering every scene in the same mood, a sort of plane no peaks and no valleys. Bruce is too heavily followed not us to have that much insight into him and the best way to do that is through others.


Can you explain the ending, the correlation between him, his father and how the creatures are demons of his, I felt as though the plant was a stronger demon mentally and emotionally.


THANKS.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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