Blackwood by Zack Ackers - Horror - A group of vacationing friends are stalked by a group of vicious sadists. 53 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for getting this up Don.

This is my first "original"feature. I know it's not quite long enough, but I plan on expanding it based on the reviews I get.

This is actually the very first script I started writing. A lot has changed since I started it, all for the better. I left this script and moved onto "Directors Cut" (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth), and then I turned the original "Blackwood" script I had and turned it into "20 Miles Till Death". In August I decided to go back and do Blackwood the way I had originally envisioned it. So... here you go. Enjoy!

~Zack~

Alright, I'll give this a read. But you might want to rewrite your logline, its not that interesting and will only appeal to the hardcore horror-slasher type of an audience.

The beginning isn't that appealing either, and Louis' dialog isn't that great. Its really stale and wooden.

pg. 5 "and I could'nt care less". Chad says this, "could'nt should be couldn't".

pg. 8 The small cabin is clean and well taken care of.
PUNK ROCK MUSIC fills the cabin.
Danny sits in the drivers seat..

It says stuff about a small cabin, but the slugline suggests that were in a car. And Danny sitting in the drivers seat kind of backs this up.

Kim's character is really annoying, she gets really pissed and whiny about swallowing her gum.

pg. 11 -- " ou’d see the potholes before you
felt them." Felt should be feel.

pg. 12 -- "Chad shrugs and moves back to his eat." eat should be seat.

You keep capitalizing  Car, unless its the brand name of the car -- then there's really no point.

Why do you keep referring to the car as a cabin?

pg. 34 "The rear windshield shatters with a powerful." I think you ended that sentence a little to early.

pg. 43 - Brody spits out a line about god and how this is the farthest place from it. Its sounds offly familiar to Bill Mosely's character in the Devils Rejects, and his long speech about god and stuff.

pg. 44 "lot of money!... Just please, ...
let me go..." after the Just Please is an comma then the three dots. the comma doesn't need to be there, at least I don't think so.

Alright, overall this was a decent and fast read. It took me a good thirty minutes to finish it, I like that. I love and hate the ending. I wish this could of been a little longer, it certainly has all of the potential to do this. But doesn't. I think that you could of had more torture happen to Amy and have her get revenge on the sick sadistic bastards. But the ending was great, her meeting up with the other killer like that. Priceless. Its nice "what if" ending, keeping some class is important.

The characters were really annoying, Danny was the only one that was likable. Chad was kind of likable, but just as annoying and bitchy as Kim and Amy. Who were practically the same person.

Zack,

You've got this weird thing going on where you start a good portion of your scripts with a SUPER, and to me it's kinda blah.  I don't think it really does anything to add to the story.  If you wanna go this route, do it the Escape From NY way.  Cram in a whole shitload of backstory.  At least get some bang out of it, you know.  

To a lesser extent you could go the TCM route, but to me that always seemed weird because it basically gives the whole story away.  Like the beginning of 'Love Story', the very first line, and I'm paraphrasing..."What do you say about a girl who dies at 25 years old".  Ah!  why did you tell me that?  Anyway, I'm rambling....to the script.

Another thing you do is point out cars and what color they are in establishing shots in parking lots.  Is this really necessary?  After Burger Town you have them in the car driving along, so we'll know it's their car.

After this point I just read through it, and after reading the whole thing I'm not really sure what I think about it.

The deaths seemed to be pretty lackluster, in fact if you were able to draw things out a little bit more in that regard, you could extend this quite a bit.  Where you left it is a really bad spot, but if you continued it, I thought Amy was going to end up at a really tripped out dinner table with "Grampa" trying to bash her head in with a sledge hammer.  I'm sure you know what I mean there.

You're sort of on the right track, at least for this type of script, but you need to get away from doing what I've noticed in some of your other work, which is to say that you work on developing 4 or 5 characters over the course of about thirty pages, to pretty much kill them in 10.  You went a little but longer here, but I think you could have done better.

I had issues with the Chad death mostly.  If I were out killing people in the woods, and came across a sitting duck caught in a bear trap with my rifle trained on them, I would shoot them on the spot.  All that walking up to them and talking is just filler, and it takes away from things if you ask me.  Sure, Amy comes out of nowhere to bash him in the head and kill him, but that could be accomplished another way.  The heart to heart they have and Chad saying he's already dead because he's lost too much blood.  Meh.  Shoot him from afar.  It's more interesting/different.

Anyway, you've got your work cut out for you, Zack.  I don't know how long you spent writing this, but I've gotta say that it still feels rushed and not overly proofed.

Hope some of this helps.

It really feels that you lost interest and this was just wrapped up as soon as possible. We have 30+ pages of setting up the story and characters, then there's a few grisly killings and a lackluster ending.

One wonders if Zack's comments above seem to point out the main issue, that the script was abadonded in favor of something else at the halfway point, turned into 2 other scripts, then  Zack, you come back and finish this one. What I get from those comments is that BLACKWOOD was pretty much chopped into different scripts, and this one suffers from maybe not getting the attention it needed for a first feature script.  There are issues with the descriptions and such that were pointed out above and won't be repeated here, but the writing in the descriptions was oddly flat and awkward, things I haven't noticed in your short scripts.

The story is the basic "kids in the woods meet backwoods cannibals or maniacial rednecks" , but the thriller portion is so short, there's no time to offer anything in terms of surprises. 30 pages of getting to know the kids ( do kids on car trips ever get along in these stories? They always are arguing    ) 10 pages of some mystery on the road and then 10 pages of murders ( that's simplifying it a bit I know). There's so much time introducing these people, then it's all thrown away in a flurry of pages at the end.

Zack, go read Bryan Smith's House Of Blood - a good fast paced novel that offers some wild, very unexpected takes on the "backwoods redneck killers" story. That book goes places and does things I wish this script had done. I DID like the one killer's sigh "why do they always run into the woods?". THAT was good, a genuine unexpected chuckle.

As you mentioned in another post, you write for fun - which is great. No pretentions, no aspirations to "art', you just want to deliver a thrill ride, which is a fine goal. But this story doesn't achive it. You're capable of doing better I think but it seems here you were either intimidated by a feature length project, or after putting this aside for two other scripts, you were just bored with it.

Thanks for the reads guys. I'm sorry no one really liked it.

One question, do you guys think the characters were well developed? That was one thing I focused on the most.

I plan on adding a good 20 to this to flesh it out and beef up the suspense.

Again, thanks for the reads.

~Zack~

My only concern was, they were arguing. Seems like the characters always argue in this type scenario - I know it builds conflict within the characters, but they face such conflict with the bad guys, the fighting amongst themselves can be a detreiment. But yes, it can be handy to show ( like in House Of Blood as I mentioned) we have characters really clashing but their personalities pay off in the story. Don't be discouraged however - you're obviously a popular writer with short subjects, I think you'll do a great job of fleshing this out.

Watcha Zack, I see you've had a few reads already so I won't comment any grammer just my thoughts as I go.

I'll start by saying your characters do seem to follow the slasher fold, a couple, a female friend and a jerk.

I think there's a car, cabin mix up going on here?

The gas station scene has some nice tension but I wonder why Danny would take any kind of advice from Ralph after he's just proven himself to be a racist and a sexist?

I'm a little concerned that 20 pages into a script of less than 60 and the characters have done nothing but argue with each other.  Ralph was an interesting character but I wonder if he'll be back as he's a good few hours drive from where they are going?  Something else I noticed was that they didn't put any gas in the car?  I would have thought that with gas stations few and far betwen they would have taken the opportunity to fill up?

Oh I get it, the cabin is the car's cabin...Ok I was a bit slow there lol.

I like the way Brody stops the car for a none existent broken tail light.  This is a timely plot movement.

Brody's return is good but why does he shoot out the tire when he has the keys?
I did think he was gonna shoot Danny though.

Not sure how easily Danny could say 'power' with no top lip.  Try it without puffing your lips together.

The endings a bit chainsaw massacre but ok.  My main complaint is to echo the majority.  You've started off well, although I think the characters argue too much and so make themselves a bit unlikeable.  For me though it does eem as though you had a begining to this, maybe upto page 40 something but then stuck an end on that just comes too early.  Perhaps if the first act wasn't so long it wouldn't seem so uneven in structure.  If you are going to add some more pages I'd suggest after Ralph enters the woods or around that time.

This is by no means bad, it just feels that the end doesn't belong at the moment.  Like you kinda ran out of budget lol.

I like the tortue scene mind, very grusome.

My final point is with the narrative or in your case, super.  If it's a known fact that people are missing in the Blackwood, why do they head off there for a break?

Anywho Zack hope this helps.

Thanks for the read Anthony, I'm glad you thought it was decent.

I see what you mean about being able to say "power" without an upper lip. Ha! That's a bit of a goof.

Again, thanks for the read.

~Zack~

Hi, Zack!

I had some time to read a feature, so I thought I’d look over the horror scripts posted yesterday. Obviously, I chose yours, but it was a biased opinion. I was familiar with your work and knew you could competently tell a story. Unfortunately, had it not been for your name, I wouldn’t have even bothered reading your screenplay. Here’s why.

Of the four screenplays posted yesterday, three of them sounded so similar, I wondered why you three writers didn’t get together and share your ideas for one feature.

*A group of vacationing friends are stalked by a group of vicious sadists.
*Four college girls on vacation fall prey to a cannibalistic family in Texas.
*A cannibal torments a man until some college kids get mixed up in it, together, they must fight for survival.

Do you see the distinction? I don’t. The biggest challenge is to get your script to stand out amongst the others. Surely there must be SOMETHING about your story that separates it from the other two. Use that something and put it in your logline. Make people want to read this more than the others. Don’t rely on your good name to get the story read.

Onto your script. Blackwood is homage to the torture films from the ‘70s, no doubt. I noticed many similarities to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the creepy cop with a hidden agenda); House of Wax (the secondary character cramped in the backseat); Wrong Turn (directions from some old geezer); The Hills Have Eyes (communication by radio).

The biggest problem with this script is it’s terribly unoriginal.

I was really disappointed as there were so many possibilities, I was bummed you didn’t recognize them. Why does the gas station attendant have to be a villain? Wouldn’t it be more interesting if he gave them directions to a SAFE place? Your characters have obviously watched their fair share of horror movies, so maybe they think his directions will lure them to a dangerous area. Little do they know, he was trying to save them all along. That’s why he calls that guy the “n-word.” To scare him off. This is just one of the many scenarios you could’ve taken, but instead, you actually went down the road already traveled. He’s the bad guy, end of story. Moving on.

I love movies that pay homage to the classics. However, if they don’t offer their own spin on things, I lose interest immediately. Blackwood simply has no spin. It’s a machine that’s been running for years. There are only so many times a person can be amazed when a light bulb turns on. You’ve got to take it to the next level.

Your characters are also extremely annoying. I couldn’t wait for Danny to die. First of all, he has the nerve to take directions from a racist, insult-spouting redneck. Then he says to his sister, “You’ll feel much better when you’re s***-faced.” WHAT!? I don’t know if my relationship with my sister is different, but I take no enjoyment from seeing her s***-faced. Even as a younger brother, I still look after her, and I’m sure Danny would do the same – not encourage erratic behavior that makes her look like a brain-dead moron.

My favorite thing about your script is the violence. I enjoyed Kim’s death because I didn’t see it coming. It opens up a can of worms and unleashes the mayhem your readers have been waiting for. From there, it doesn’t let up. Even with the tameness of the story, you get the pacing right. Thumbs up in that regard.

If by chance you decide to rewrite this, look at each scene and think about what you would do in each situation. Would YOU take directions from that old guy? Would YOU keep driving on that long route, even after the cop lied about your taillight? What you would do most likely reflects what your readers would do. Once we can relate to the choices of your characters, you’ve hit the jackpot.

Keep writing.

Hey Zack, me again...just got through your latest script.

I'm going to cut to the chase here and skip all the "obvious" critiques that have already been given and move in a different direction that I feel may actually help quite a bit.

Your writing style seems to be the same for each script you churn out.  Many of your sentences are almost identical to others in your other scripts.  These tend to be descriptions of things like roads, fields, forests, etc.  Basically, your setup and the way you go about it needs to be tweaked a bit for each new script.

Also, you use so many sentences that say something or other about a character looking at another character, or smiling at someone, etc.  Many references to "mundane" actions that we don't need to hear about are rampant in your scripts.  .There are just way too many of these "throw away" lines that really don't do anything for the script as a whole.  Actually, they take away from the read and basically just take up space.  I mean seriously, if you read over this script when characters are talking, you'll see that in between almost every line of dialogue, you have one of these throw away lines.  Of course, sometimes, these lines are for a reason, and I'm not saying to totally get rid of them, but you need to tone them down quite a bit.

You've got 50+ pages here, but in reality there can't be much more than 20 minutes of actual "movie".  I have no problem whatsoever with what many would call "meaningless banter" among characters, but this script is a perfect example of a script that's dying for some more interesting conversation or even information in general.  Other than your actual "action scenes", very, very little is going on here.

Although we have literally dozens of pages of dialogue, we don't really get to know much of anything about these characters, other than they're all extremely irritating and unlikable.  They don't come across as friends or siblings at all. Their motivations, backstories, and ikes/dislikes are all pretty much flatline.  There's absolutely nothing "real" or memorable about any of them, and that takes away from the story.

On the flipside, there were several passages that worked well.  Even a line of dialogue here and there that read well.  I think your writing is improving in places, but overall, you need to spend more time on working up a story that has something going for it, characters that come across as real and likeable, situations that we haven't seen before.

I think the bottom line for you, my friend, is that you need to stop "churning" out scripts so quickly and spend time "planning" your stories more, setting up your scenes better, coming up with inventive and unique twists, and finally wrapping everything up without the feeling of a tacked on quick ending.  This just feels like a very quickly thought out and written piece that you wanted to throw out here before it was ready.

I hope you take this criticism as contructive, because I definitely feel that you know how to write and have alot to say.  Sometimes, the best "writing days" are those when nothing even hits the page, but wheels start turning in your head and you come up with an interesting idea or twist. Know what I mean?

Go over ideas and the like in your head first and work out the details before you throw things down on paper and move on.  You've got it in you Zack...I can tell.

Keep at it bud!

Thanks for the reads and the honest feedback Sham and Dreamscale. I really appreciate it.

I honestly hought my characters where well developed and real. After all, four people crammed into a small car for a long road trip aren't going to be the happyiest people in the world. If anything, I thought I spent to much time on the characters.

Oh well, the customer is always right. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me with the re-write.

~Zack~

Hey, Zack.

Just gave this a read over. Some good news straight away, it reads very quickly and i don't mean that in the way that it was quite short at 53 pages - it flows on quite nicely.

My biggest problem with this is, that at 53 pages i feel robbed that there wasn't more; to me there was so much build up with the characters and then just a huge climax - It feels as though the middle portion of the movie is missing. As others have said this could easily be fleshed out and lengthed and that would be for the best.

At the moment theres 30 pages of buildup for these characters and then they die pretty quickly as soon as the mayhem ensues. I think since you spent so much time building up these characters that you should at least prolong their lifes a little bit longer - in doing this you can stretch the script out a little bit as well.

Personally, all the arguing amongst the characters was really annoying. They were always bitching at each other as though they hated each other. If all they're gonna do is b**** why are they all together? This if off-putting and makes it kind of hard to like any of them. Also I couldn't really identify a lead character in this. No one stood out and made me wanna cheer him/her on, root for him/her to survive. I think this would benefit more if you gave us a lead, someone to really get behind. Or work on them all some more. tell us there backstories, where do they wanna be in their lives? What are they're goals? Give us a reason to cheer them on to reaching those goals!

Ralph for me was the most interesting character of them all and he was a bad guy and not all that much involved - So I  think a little more time spent building up Ralph, Brody and Louis could only add to the script... sometimes the bad guys make  for the most interesting characters.

What I did like about this script was the gore. The torture scene with Brody and Danny certainly made me cringe a few times. I read a gory short of yours a while back  so I knew you already had a knack for the gore scenes and this doesnt dissapoint. I was really able to visualize these scenes thanks to you good descriptions, so on that note I say good job!(Though I would like to see the script extended with a lot more gore cause although its nice and bloody, it passed just to quickly)

I liked the ending a lot though, it's a nice little twist. Overall I think this has the potential to be really good if you just take your time a little more with and give it a chance to run a full course and not cram the mayhem all in the matter of 15 page or so.

Keep writing, Zack.

Robert

Thanks for reading Bates, Im glad you didn't totally hate it.

Yes, gore is something I enjoy writing.

~Zack~

So I didn't read any of the thoughts other people said, but I do have one question so far, were you watched SCREAM while writing this? Because the line where Debby says "f*** you!" he says "We already played that game, remember? I won." That's straight from the movie Scream. I will continue reading.