Pedestrian by Isaac Rust (IsaacTheSalsaShark) - Comedy - Ethan wants to deal drugs, Joel wants to finish high school, Shane wants a girlfriend, Kate wants to grow up, Darevin wants to be free from his mom, Max has to get some money, Rodrigo wants to party, and all 7 high school losers get their one chance to party and hopefully get laid. - html, format

This was a great read. It was a refreshingly rude and immature high school kids comedy. Youknew how to get into and out of a scene in a funny way, and they each had somehow disntinct personalities. Max stealing money all the time, Rodrigo always a crazy MF, etc. I just think it should be a little longer though.. I think it needs an intro and outro. Like the way you introduced them was just to random.

You should introduce them all in one or two settings like in the last day of school or something, and have a premise of summer getting there. And also the ending was just to sudden. It was a funny ending, but I felt like there was a more to be told. And again school comes to mind cause that's like the best place to make a "status report" on this kind of story. Show how they all changed that summer with random scenes of the characters. for example: casey the bitch not being popular any more for some reason, or Darevin hangin out with a bunch of ladies, etc.

I don't know, it's just a suggestion. bottom line is I think it needs an intro and outro of some kind. Because it's a lot of characters in the story. Also don't take just my advice ask for a lot of people's advice. Because everyone will see something different.

  

When I first started reading this script, I admit I didn't think it was going to be that good.
Once I started reading this i found it very easy to get sucked in and very hard to stop reading. The characters are entertaining and they each have their own quirks. One thing I liked about this story is that while it did seem like you knew exactly what was going to happen, things had a way of spinning around. I thought Darevin would end up with Kate. I was wrong. I thought someone was going to talk Will out of being suicidal, again...I was wrong. Bottom line is that this is a good script, it could use a few minor tweaks and tightenings but in all it's entertaining.

So here's my little list of pro's and cons.I would go through the entire script scene by scene and give all my feedback, but then this post would be five pages long lol. So if you want more feedback and/or clarifications just message me or something and I'll be more than happy to give you some feedback. I do think this script has potential, which is why this post is already so long.

Pros:

-Absolutely love the use of title cards. Specifically how they are written as though the story is being told by one of the main characters without the use of narration. Haven't seen this in any other script to date (yes title cards, but not ones like "Darevin and his Bitch ass mom"

-The ending is good. A lot of the high school comedies I've read always end it like a sunset on the beach and a couple holding hands saying they will love each other forever...you know? very cliche, but this ending is almost a smack in the face kind of wanting me to know more. What happens to Will?  What happens to Leon once their parents find out about Will? In a way I want it to continue but there is no way that it should in my opinion. Those questions being left open are what make the ending so perfect.

-The scene with Casey and Rodrigo in the bedroom is...it's quite possibly the most descriptive vomit scene i've ever read and despite how much I think the vomiting is gratuitous...i absolutely love it. I really do. I think it's hilarious how you it seems as if it's going to be one time and that's it, but then here comes two other guys. Fantastic. Funny stuff.

Cons:

-I felt as though you could have done a bit more character development . Like the poster  above me said an "intro" is a great way to kind of establish these characters as opposed to jumping right in and trying to figure them out from there. What all the rest of this feedback basically boils down to is character development. Dialogue and conversation is all tied into character development. What they say, why they say it, how they say it. For example you have Darevin going from kind of the coy outcast of the group in the beginning to the outspoken, not caring regular by the end of the script. The scene where he finally stands up to his mother is is a good scene to look at in terms of how he speaks then to how he used to speak to his mother in the beginning of the movie and I know the context is completely different, in the first scene he is kind of annoyed but still complacent  and in the last scene he is thoroughly pissed off and has had it, but still. As far as the "outro" goes, I've already said that I absolutely LOVED the ending. but...

-The ending was a little too funny. I would like to see how it reads if at the end when Casey's cousin comes in to clean up and sees will laying on the bed and after she realizes that he is dead, i would be curious to know how the reader feels if instead of saying "oh shit" and that be the end of that, what if she said nothing and just stood there staring at Will as if she were thinking "oh shit" instead. Just something to think about.

-Typos. Everyone has them, but try to go back and fix them. They can get confusing,especially that scene when we first are introduced to Kate when she is trying to get Shane out of his bedroom after Andrea dumps him. He should be saying Andrea, but instead he says Kate and in the next scene it goes back to being Andrea. That one scene got really confusing, but I figured it out and was able to move on. It breaks the flow of the script so try and go back and fix at least that part if you don't have time to change s's to d's just yet.

-The dialogue and Language. This is probably the biggest thing I have feedback for. So I'll divide it into little sections.

   Language:   Yes it's a ridiculously rude script and I love it for that. My own scripts tend to have very harsh language in them as well, but the only thing I would say to the language in this script is try to temper some of that. I think the dialogue can come across as more frank and precise if you cut out a few of the F' words. If it is used all the time it doesn't have the same impact.

   Dialogue:In the second scene of the script when we are first introduced to Ethan and Joel, this is the dialogue they use.

ETHAN: Why the fuck don't we ever do anything?

JOEL: What are you bitching about?

ETHAN: We don't do anything. We should be doing incredible shit.  We should be dealing drugs, or butt-fucking prostitutes, or something.

JOEL: What are you talking about?  We're in high school.  Now serve the ball.

I feel as though the dialogue could use some editing and tightening. Specifically more of an introduction to why Ethan is thinking the way he does. Maybe saying something like...

Ethan: I was watching that movie with Ice T in it the other day and it got me thinking
Joel: ( impatiently )Serve the ball
Ethan: why don't we ever do anything?
Joel: what?
Ethan: We don't do anything. We should be doing incredible shit.  We should be dealing drugs, or butt-fucking prostitutes, or something.
Joel:What are you talking about?  We're in high school.  Now serve the ball

Something as simple as that two or three lines of dialogue, to me, makes a very big difference in that it gives me a feeling as I'm right there with Ethan. Instead of jumping on the boat as it's leaving the dock, it gives me more of a feeling of actually walking onto the boat and then setting sail...if that makes sense.

Also, maybe tighten up the dialogue a little. For example in that scene I just mentioned, instead of Joel saying "What are you talking about? we're in high school. Now serve the ball." Think about him saying something along the lines of "What are you talking about? We're in high school, not college. Now serve the ball."

Why? Well, the dialogue as you currently have it just seems a bit abrupt. Joel's character seems a bit too sarcastic for him to just end it at "We're in high school" plus when I read that I feel as if the way you have it now, the dialogue is supposed to explain the situation as opposed to the situation explaining the dialogue, if that makes sense. I know I say that a lot but half the stuff I say tends to make sense in my head.

The conversations in the sidewalk scenes I don't really have a soft spot for, I feel as thought this scene could potentially bring up some interesting character subplots that you don't have to explore in this film (much like you didn't explore the aftermath of Will's death) but nonetheless would definitely give the character more dimensions.For example, the whole schpeel about chicken nuggets and sweet and sour sauce. That conversation was Ace. Really,but it felt like it came out of nowhere and really didn't do much for the plot of the script other than kill time which I understand since they are just walking off into the abyss at this point in the script and there isn't really anything to talk about...and it does tie into the diner scene later, but...it didn't do anything for the script except place it in a small lull. Perhaps moving that conversation to the diner scene would help. Having them talk about chicken nuggets and sweet and sour sauce while there is actually chicken nuggets there...then that would kind of make the conversation more fitting. If that makes sense.
It would also place some tension in the script if during the walking they were mostly silent, you know? It would give you some time to explore the relationship between Shane and Max by having them talk a little about Andrea as well as the budding feelings for Kate in relation to Andrea (which is something you kind of delved into already).

Anyway,I think i've said enough. My post probably shouldn't be any longer than it is now but I wanted to give you some in depth feedback on what I felt were things that could use some change. Of course this is my opinion from how I see it and being that you are the writer, I couldn't possibly understand how the characters are in your mind, but I hope that you take some consideration and some suggestions out of this winded post. And like I said earlier if you want more feedback or clarifications then do not hesistate to message me or something.

Funny script.  I liked it, but you should keep track of your characters.  Sometimes you repeat names when a character is talking.


Why are you so fixated on dealing drugs?

Because we never do anything!

I love that line because it shows how dumb Ethan is.  If Ethan knew any better he would know that clockin is just as boring as sitting around with his dick in his hand and playing ping pong.  I know from experience.

Max's reaction to Tina's comment about being pregnant seems a little off.

Ethan and Joel are total idiots.  As smart as they claim they are I wonder why they would go through measures like that with Paul just for a dime bag of weed?  Maybe you should change it to an ounce or two of grass, this way more is at stake here.  

re:  Max's reaction - cuz it never happened!  lol Tina's such a bitch.  She knows how to hustle that money though.

All this walking and talking about this major bash these kids are going to and it doesn't even live up to it.  I thought there was gonna be hardcore fucking, pounds of weed, snowstorms of coke, people bonging beers by the gallon, etc.  You should touch it up a bit, make more crazy shit happen.

listen man... is it alright if i produce this, ill put u in the credits and send you royalties if i make any money off this. i just wanna produce a movie for an up and coming micro-budget film festival im trying to create.
email me at micbut12@yahoo.com