Delivery by Jonathan Garland (wordartisan) - (Tamarack Larch) - Short, Drama - A mailman on his regular run finds himself in a most irregular and unsettling situation.  - rtf, format

There are some style problems here and the story seems a bit one dimensional. There is a sequence I enjoyed in the middle of the story when Conrad is talking that has real tension and menace.

As an example on the style - “Well, maybe we're in a slightly upmarket area” is a line that violates at least three big screenwriting taboos. It is not tight i.e. nothing is lost by taking out several of the words. It says “maybe”, you’re the writer so you know if it is or isn’t, there shouldn’t be uncertainty. It uses “we” referring to the reader/audience.

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Poor old Conrad fell for the oldest villain cliché in cinematic history. He told James about his plan giving ample opportunity for it to go wrong and of course it did. This old chestnut was a little too hard for me to overlook and made it hard for me to stay in the story. The so-so gags at the end also made it feel more like a comedy than drama.  However, Conrad's dialogue was okay, so perhaps he could belt James over the head and explain his plan as he was going through the process of trying to kill him. Maybe he could talk about how he hated the old b**** because she always put him down and told him how incompetent he was and then at that point the old girl could come to life and belt him over the head, saving James in the process. But I guess even that would be a little clichéd.

Unless you or someone else can come up with an idea to breath some much needed life into this one, I’d write it off as an exercise and move on to your next story.  

I was kind of enjoying the read but once the villian exposed himself you kind of lost me.  And it was difficult to recover.  What started out as a drama became a comedy for me (especially when the old woman joined in the fight).  Then the banter at the end cinched it.  If the intention was to do both then you achieved that but in that case I would have preferred it to start out as a comedy then and end in a drama because the impact of the story has more potential to survive that type of change.  As it stands, what started out as a significant story ended up as fluff.

As has been mentioned, I really enjoyed the story, even the villian's stereotypical "here's my plan" speech, up until the old woman came back to life.

Dramas usually have sad endings and it felt like you were going in that direction but then decided at the last minute to make the script a parody of itself, as the two survive a fight and are so unfazed that they begin cracking jokes with one another.

As I said, I liked it, but personally I would change the ending.

I think the idea you have here is fine.

A greedy grandson wanting to get money (I assume) from his Grandmother's death, concocts a plan to make it look like the mailman did it. That's fine. My problem with this is the way you went about telling us the story.

First of all I think the dialogue, especially Conrad's, tells us pretty much everything. You don't show us anything... It's all told to us which makes it boring.

Your descriptions could be trimmed up quite a bit for an easier smoother read.

I didn't buy that the old woman with all the blood and everything on the floor wakes up and seemingly fine. Well enough to crack jokes and cuss.

I also thought Conrad was knocked out a little too easily.

My suggestion would be to look at the core of the story (which is good) then rewrite this using the comments you're receiving from readers here.

Not bad, bit predictable and there are some problems here...

To many audience asides..."what will he do?, Conrad, as we know will call him"

Short and sweet descriptions...To the point...Only what can be filmed...

I wouldn't  mind working for the post office. The pay is good, it's steady and you get a hell of a benefits package...I wouldn't consider a postal job as settling for anything- It's a good job if you can get it...Just my opinion.

I doubt that after getting whacked in the head hard enough to leave a pool of blood that Mrs. Casey would be capable of doing anything, never mind helping to take down the good for nothing grandson...

Conrad "Monologues" too much...

Like the Postman always delivers line at the end...

I agree with the others, only write what can be filmed.

I also agree about the bloody old lady getting up. Shoot, even a 70 year old lady fighting without being bloody would be a task in itself.

Oh, one other thing... I've never seen a mailman on a motorcycle. I thought they were supposed to be in mail trucks or cars.
It just seemed odd to me.
If they are allowed to do so in some places, are they allowed to ride on the sidewalk???
That was even more odd.

Cindy

I didn't like this one. It started out alright with James finding the old lady but, enter Conrad, and it was downhill from there. First of all, I find it pretty strange that James would simply sit down and have a chat with a guy he's never seen before, with an old lady lying dead on the floor next to them. I would probably go "Gee, I wonder why she's bleeding. Gee, I wonder if she was attacked. Gee, I wonder if this creepy guy next to me had something to do with it".

Then Conrad reveals his evil masterplan and we all known that that's a big ol' no no. Cliché 'R Us! And the clichés just kept on coming from there, the not-so-dead dead person to name but a few.

You introduction of the "The guys at the post office are never gonna believe this"-line was sooooo out of place and you know it.

Also, I wasn't crazy about the writing. Too nonchalant.

Rob

Hello Tamarack ,

Even though this was written in such a way that doesn't ring true to script form, it still is easily one of the best stories in this competition.

Perhaps it might do better if you just took this one and turned it into a short story and then rewrite it again and weed out the excess.

I sincerely enjoyed the read. I enjoyed your descriptions of the place even though they are too long for script. I really got a sense of the mailman entering the large yard, and also the sense of him climbing these wide stone steps to get up to the large house.

Except for the fact that this isn't written like a script, I really don't have much bad to say about it.

I enjoyed the fact that you wrote Mrs. Casey, the old lady, as not being the typical helpless old lady. In fact, her nastiness, which was so heavy, even got into her very corporeal body and probably saved her. It rang perfectly true at the end!

"I'm not signing for that. It's damaged."

I loved this one!!!!!

Just make sure you pare down the excess to make it into a true script.

Sandra

There's some format issues here and I'm not sure about the first description 'the houses are older and bigger here'...than where?

The line 'the guys at the...' seems a bit forced like you neede to use it.  Being in James' position I doubt I'd be thinking if people at work would believe what's happening?

There's a few slugs and scenes missing, like when James runs out but then returns to face Conrad.

I got to agree with the majority here and say that the ending wasn't great and seems like it doesn't belong with the rest of the story.  You have some drama and then throw it all away with a bit of slap stick comedy.  There's too many notes to the reader too, comments that can't be filmed...these need to be cut.  Also I agree Conrad explaining his plan is too cliched.  Why wouldn't he just whack James when he didn't expect it and accomplish his plan?

This was a bit of a mixed bag. The jokes at the end certainly made me smile but were so out of place, the story started quite serious and just descended into a bit of a farce to be honest. Was this intentional?

I liked some of your descriptions, the introduction of Conrad was brilliant, loved the Target line! But overall this script did disappoint. Think you need to decide whether or not it is a drama or a comedy and write to that, there are some good ideas but just need some more work.

Cheers

I have mixed feelings about this script.  The story was good, but the script was way too long.

I wasn't happy with the way you opened up:  it's a normal street but, wait, it really isn't!  Leave the contradictions out and tell us just what we see and hear.  Keep the descriptions tight.

The story was told through dialogue, which is a bozo no-no.  Describe things to us, instead.  This read almost like a radio script.

The joke at the end worked for me, even for a drama.  It wrapped things up nicely and showed that Mrs. Casey is truly a b****.


Phil

Thanks to all who took the time to comment.

Quoted from wordartisan Thanks to all who took the time to comment.

Generally speaking, W.A., you "thank" your readers by participating in the reading phase yourself.

I am always disappointed to see participants that did not read one, single entry.