A Guy Named Yuley by Sandra E. Watson - (Lost Mind) - Short, Drama - A phobic postman questions the validity of a monster and a spiritual order called The Brotherhood.  As he turns his life over to chance, he discovers his fear is legitimate and The Brotherhood is real. - pdf, format

Sandra, did you write this one?

I'll read it, but it's supposed to be anonymous for one week...  

Okay, I read this one.

First off, I believe you used font size 10 instead of 12. That would probably make your script one or two pages longer.

Story wise, I'm going to have to be honest with you. This one didn't really work for me. That's too bad because I rather enjoy your imagination. I still remember that thriller/boat script you wrote. I loved the crazyness of that one. This one has some of that same crazyness, but instead of wanting to follow you on this "trip" I never really got into it. I was left confused most of the time. I think there were too many strange things going on and too many characters, too many dream sequences, flashbacks and such for a short story as well. If this was a film it would probably seem very disjointed and jumpy.

I would suggest making this one a bit simpler. the idea was good, just wasn't an easy read or easy to follow.

Very colorful writing, although a bit difficult to follow...Wonderful characters populate this twisted world- Like Poker Face, Ulyssess and the Rhino Man, very visual and descriptive...How they all fit together though is the challenge here...I assume (with the bowl incident in the office) that this is a descent into madness kind of tale, perhaps with the aid of some supernatural demons that Drive Ulysesses to the campground and the
Lot #53...Alot of missed CHARACTER introductions, which made it a little more difficult to follow....

Suggest having the cliff experience at the very beginning instead of the flashback- that introduces the concept of the brotherhood, and might make the rest of the story a little clearer, since that "world" as it were has already been established...

Good use of the line, too.

Thank you Pia and Blakkwolfe,

As I worked the write, I had the feeling of moving the beginning to establish "the world" as you mentioned. I think this is an important thing to probably do.

The challenge will be to set the mood correctly however because I don't intend it to be a totally dark world. Perhaps that's what my subconscious was going for when I decided to begin how I did. I wanted to come off with Yuley's fear very evident, but also his happy-go-lucky nature: Hence, his mocking reads from the "stress relief kit".

Yuley isn't meant to be crazy in the least; rather, he's experiencing a manifestation and paranormal phenomenon linked to his part in "The Brotherhood".

This is obviously not clear in this write; so I need to go back to the drawing board. Again, this is a perfect example how: The writer knows what's going on, but they're not making it clear enough for others. I see this happen all the time, but NOT to do it in my own work is very much a challenge.

Thanks again a bunch.

Jack Pine, (AKA Lost Mind)

Ok, I'm just fooling. I didn't really write this.

Sorry, it was Pia, she made me do it.

I'll review it for you as soon as I can Pia, or should I say, Jack.

Sandra

Whoever wrote this it does need reworking but it also has the makings of a good story. It does have the feel of a pilot TV piece so you've succeeded in that.

For a true pilot to be followed by other stories it becomes very important to establish the central character strongly. I'd suggest going back further and beginning the story in the mail man setting. The first 15 minutes would set his background and then bring in the Brotherhood element and probably only at the end would he even set off from where he starts.

You know what? I think this has a lot of potential. No, this isn't a "bad news" line. I'm just funnin' you.

Ok Pia, I think your opening works well by showing Yuley trying to get stress relief. It immediately let's us know that your postman is phobic of something and this stays true to your synopsis. I'm not sure however, that you made it clear that this was something related to a childhood episode  that was somehow connected to an initiation with The Brotherhood.

I understand that your focus might be bouncing because you are trying to balance plot and character in a short script, but I know you are good with this; it's a struggle, but you have these excellent moments; so I'll just offer my best here-- it's hard because I'm not sure if you want to go more with the fantasy or the comedy.

The first thing I think I should mention is that you might add a scene SHOWING The Brotherhood. You have a lot of options when it comes to giving the reader some quick insight. For instance, I just finished watching the new X Files, and I'll use this to show that it doesn't take much to actually give the background you need.

In the beginning, (sounds like Genesis I know) the scene is all snow. We know we're in a cold area. It wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that this is where the &*#! hits the fan at the end. In this way, the beginning serves its purpose well.

I don't think your beginning is bad, but I think it's a bit weak because it's not quite clear why we are watching this on a 1939 Walnut consoled Marconi. So, my advice is to try and make sure that the beginning will serve its purpose later. In this case, the postcards are integrated at the end; so there is an attempt at integration, but it doesn't work as effectively as it might if you do some tweaking.

I think that you need to work with the important plot line in your story which, by your synopsis, is The Brotherhood's business and how they relate to Yuley today-- to the point where he needs to quit his job and find out if this Rhino monster is real.

Back to the X files example in order to show a how a quick scene can set the tone for the whole show. The psychic and the FBI are walking-- scoping out an area, in a great big line, sweeping the area for a lead and the psychic falls down, digging, to find a severed arm.

The reason this scene works so well is because it shows, right off the bat the "snowy world" where all this bad stuff is taking place. Like Blakkwolfe mentioned: by clarifying the world at the beginning, it goes a long way to helping the audience follow along. But you know all this already I know. You are just working the OWC deadline with only hours to spare; so I know it's just draft material.

I really enjoyed some of the character work, but I think that you need to work on the structure and then it will be A-1. Is that a steak sauce?

Good job!!!!!

Sandra  

I liked the first seven pages or so but after that it felt like you tried to add a little too much with a monster Yuley is trying to chase (the rhino man?) and the brotherhood, along with the paranormal happenings at Lot 53.

I guess as everyone else said, take something out or make it longer and go into a little more detail with everything. It has the makings of a very good script.

Quoted from me I think there were too many strange things going on and too many characters, too many dream sequences, flashbacks and such for a short story as well. If this was a film it would probably seem very disjointed and jumpy. I would suggest making this one a bit simpler. the idea was good, just wasn't an easy read or easy to follow.

In the beginning I was a bit confused. Too many characters like me said and soon I got lost. The 53# part  WAS pretty random, and a lot of crazynesss that I didnt think fitted the story all together.

One part I liked though was how the "Brotherhood" was going to make him into "a man". Lowering a scared shitless little boy into a depression on a cliff?

Imagnitaive...

Also, I've been thinking about Mr. Rhino. Why is he afaried of him, Yuley? maybe it can be from a comic book or a movie or a natural fear of rhinos. I dont know, just suggesting some ideas/

I knew going into this it was gonna be a tough read. I left the room and turned off the game (easy to do when it 4-0 already and your team's on the goose egg side). I don't mind a tough read. I've been accused of being to wordy myself.

I have to say that I struggled mightily with this.  and everytime I thought I got the hang of it more weeirdness creeped in. By far my favorite scene is the cliff scene. The kid trying to be accepted and the horrible hazing he must endure. But I'm not clear if Rhinoman was real or his fear. If it was just his fear, i think the concept needs to be introduced with more clarity. If he is real, well I don't know.

A lot of details that I'm not sure why they're there.  Perfect example was the marconi TV. What was it's purpose. I know it seems really artistic but from a functional standpoint, it just seems to make the script more difficult from a producing standpoint. If it doesn't serve a purpose though, it's no different than when people introduce a character with hair color named, and the color doesn't affect anything.

It was definetly ambitious but I couldn't get on board. And I wasn't thrilled with the repitition of the "line." I thought it was a good idea to try it as a sort of "catchphrase" but it started to seem forced by the end.

I kind of liked the fact that this was a bit weird.   Definitely not your normal film storytelling (and that's a good thing).   I liked the mystical feel of it and the sort of chaotic storyline that was as linear as a bag caught in the wind.  I even liked rhinoman.  

The things I didn't like were:

1.  This seemed like the beginning of a much longer story.   A short should be self contained and this seemed more like an intro to me.

2.  The thing with the stone dice.  I just didn't buy it.  It happened too fast and it needed more introduction or backstory.

3. There were too many characters and too much going on.  Once again this is symptomatic of a much larger piece where you start a bunch of character threads with with expectation that you will tie them off later.

4. The constant repeating of "the guys at the post office aren't going to believe this".  It got on my nerves.

And that's all I can think of at the moment.  My conclusion is that this was quite a unique piece but one that needs about 80 more pages to reach it's full potential.

I loved the crazyness of this one, too, and I agree that it needs more pages. Too much was going on, and I had a hard time keeping up with all the different stuff... the rhinoman, ghosts, the brotherhood, a stressed mailman who wants to be a cowboy out on the road, and two coworkers who roll a pair of stones in the brush...

I was left with a lot of questions.
Were the guys rolling the stones in "The Brotherhood", too or was Yuley the only one left???
If the other guys in The brotherhood died, maybe you should show how they died.???
How did Yuley get his gift? Was it something that came with "The Brotherhood"?...
Did they all have the second sight or was it just people who were at that campsite who saw the little girl?
I thought the little girl was a ghost, too, then I saw her morph into a woman who said she got married and was up north???
then Yuley was heading up north??? Why?

I think this has a lot of potential though. There was a lot of interesting stuff in here. It just needs reworking.

Let me know when the rewrite is up. I would love to read it.

Cindy

liked it...the only thing missing was rod serling telling me "submitted for your consideration..."...very twilight zone-esque...

peace,
db

p.s. on pg. 14 "little lisa" becomes "lady lisa"..but her last line in the page is "little lisa"...pg. 15 causw(a)y

Okay... finally got around to this one.  It came through with a very small font so I've been straining to get through it.  On top of that, it is a very bizarre tale so, honestly, this is the probably the one script that I didn't need any other trouble to try to get through.

Not that it was a bad story, in fact, I liked it.

Thought it flowed quite well given the bizarre dreamilke nature of the plot.  Sure there were points where I had to double-back in order to determine where and when I was but this is natural with this kind of story.  Only part that really lost me was 'the dice'.

Anyway, I really liked the way you handled the Ulysses character.  He was very easy going and pretty accepting of the craziness around him.  Not in a psychopathic sort of way but just a 'laid back' sort of 'take is as it comes' mentality.

My top complaint was the lack of coherence of all the elements.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the reason and, on screen, I don't mind the twisted presentations of thoughts.  (see David Lynch)  Difference is, Lynch is a master of visually compelling shots.  So even though you might not have any idea what he is trying to say, you are still awestruck by the visual pictures.  However, screenplays are written... and this type of abstract storytelling doesn't have quite the impact as a written piece.

That being said, I love people who dare to go off the beaten path so I applaud the effort.  The actual wording was pretty clear and the imagery and characters were all appropriate to enhance the mood.  Just think, especially for a short script, it needs to be either simplified or given a more difinitive climax and ending.  I liken it to a puzzle.  If you're challenging the reader to put this thing together, there should at least be a satisfying print to gaze upon after completion.  Reward them for their efforts.

Thanks for the interesting read.  It was fun and different.  Glad I saved it to until end.