Return Service Requested by Ian Lempert (bobtheballa) - (Freeman Maple) - Short, Drama - When a mailman named Hank finds a package sent from the future, he must struggle with his own fear of failure and the wishes of his fellow postal workers to decide what to do with the package. - doc, format

I'm not sure about this one.

I guess I liked the idea of a husband trying to go back in time via a package to keep his wife from dying, but the way you told the story could IMHO be better.

You start out with a long piece in the beginning about Hank's fear of failiour (sp) but then you seem to abandon that idea. The beginning is hugely important and must tie into the rest of the story.

Hank also seems to be a completely different person later on. Where did that fear go?

Why would he remove a package from a mailbox and bring it back to the post office? And to even consider opening it? This does not make sense to me at all.

Your writing could use a little trimming too. Make it a little leaner and more crisp. Right now it's a little bit chunky read.

I think if you changed this into a story about a mailman who removes a package from the future in Fey's mailbox and by doing so actually causes her to die this would work better. I would skip the whole fear of failing part if I were you.

Hope that helps.  

I dunno. Tricky, trippy kind of story that needs to set up a universe where, yeah, this sort of thing happens from time to time...It's unusual, but not entirely unheard of that mail arrives from the future, and at a very expensive rate, too...

The story is reasonably coherent, but the dialogue is a little flat..(Why isn't Hank interested about the cause of the fire-It's got his wife in the hospital! Where's the tension, pain and emotion in his dialogue?) Although I can relate to this disappointment of not winning the Pub Clearing house...sigh from me, too...

Formatting is off, but it could be my computer...seems like there's some extra spaces you don't need...

The fire flashback seems like it pulls too far out of the story...It could have just been a comment, and then he just explains a little about the fire...If someone is going to shoot this short, that would be a bit easier in a no budget production than having to build a fire to film...

Lastly, if I were Paul (whom we haven't met), I would have made damn sure that Fey stayed out of town that day...Don't know that a helmet would have done much good against a meteor or whatever debris bonked poor Fey so hard on the noggin.

A good effort, though!

A decent enough premise that has some good moments and could be further drafted into something good. Couple of issues.

While I do like the ethical conflict the mailmen have (it is actually kind of comical), their easy acceptance of the concept of time travelling packages seems silly. Plus I hope all postal workers aren't as depressed as these three.

Couple of instances where you broke the "show, don't tell" rule. And for formatting, try download Celtx at their website. It's free and very servicable.

Anyway, I think it has promise. Stick with it.

SPOILER WARNING.


The formatting and descriptions need work, but as this is a one week challenge it's understandable. Man, this the second story I've read where the poor old postie is lamenting his unfulfilling life. Anywho, I found this fairly interesting but, as someone else mentioned, the postmen were a little too eager to accept that the package was from the future. I thought the montage was okay, but the thing I liked the most was the way Hank responded to the events in the end by tossing in his uniform and walking out of the job. That rang true to me because I think a lot of people would make drastic and immediate changes in their lives if they truly grasped how fleeting life really is.

With a couple of rewrites I reckon you could tighten this up and turn it into something fairly decent. One thing you need to do is break up any long winded descriptions like the one at the very start. Formatting future drafts in decent software wouldn't hurt either. As it stands it's a first draft that needs a good polish. But it has some potential. I hope you persist with it and take it to the next level.      

I don't really think this worked too well. Formatting was pretty off and the dialogue wasn't very good either.

In essence I liked the story but I don't think you managed to pull it off in the time frame. There was little to no character development for any of the other characters and even hank felt a little 2D.

As far as the challenge went, this is definately a drama and the quote fitted well, so well done with that. Storywise - I think it could have done with a little longer to grow.

Ste

Interesting idea, but it's a little disjointed and could've used more time. Maybe if it was a two week challenge?

I think you have a lot of talent. It's very evident with the way you constructed the plot and also how you shared Hank's personal feelings-- his deficiencies with regard to his life: That he might have been a doctor or a fireman...

Now, I will go to the technical points of the script.

Read some of my other posts in various scripts for this challenge regarding bulky paragraphs. Scripts need to look sparse on the page.

You'll see that this problem is very typical for us beginners when we start writing for screen. Don't worry, just be aware and pay attention to ways that you can tighten according to script format. And also remember it's not just format; it's the way "we see" on screen.

Let me tell you that despite the fact that your paragraphs were too blocky and written more in "novel form" your story was, in my opinion, the best so far.

I was confused in the end by what took place, but I was juggling; doing some other work at the time as well; so I might have just missed things that i should have caught.

This is a good piece of work. The script form needs to be understood here, but YES! It's a good piece of work. Don't let this get lost in your files and forget about it. Save it. Study the craft some more. And come back to it later. Even if it takes until 2072!

Good work!!!!!!!

Sandra

Yeah, it's a cute story alright - however unbelievable it is. Okay, let's skip the whole "how did a package get sent back in time" thing and concentrate on the story and the format. I personally don't like huge blocks of text - they're unattractive if you know what I mean. Break 'em up a bit, it'll look better.

The dialogue wasn't very good in my opinion, a lot of it was way too much on the nose. Example:

OFFICER
We found her trapped in another room
with a grocery bag full of spaghetti, and
the minivan’s engine was still clicking,
meaning that she likely went to the store
to get some, left the stove on and
returned to find that the house was on
fire though showing no signs of it from
the outside.

The first part of this kinda made me laugh, a bag full of spaghetti? Oh no! The rest of it is just blatant exposition and it doesn't work.

I like Hank, he's well described but what I don't get is why he takes a package that has already been delivered, I don't think that goes hand in hand with his character. It also seems sort of weird that, after watching a woman getting killed, the first thing he does is open the package. That would not be the first thing I would do in such a situation. By the way, what was it that hit her?

I kinda like the script but not a whole lot.

Rob

It was a cute idea and I liked parts of it.  I especially liked the sarcastic asides like the publisher's clearing house letter.  But the dialogue was a bit on the lifeless side and this caused it to drag.  

I think if you improve the dialogue.  Cut the scene with the mailmen talking in the office and have him go through a bit more angst before opening the package then you on on the path to having a good little script.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get this script to open on my Mac.  Usually not a problem with the .doc format but no luck on this one.

Really wanted to give every entry a read and review.

Sorry Mr. or Mrs. Writer.

I think you could push the story a little further and more symmitrical. It was a great idea, just not really executed right i think.

I think with a little research into formating and such you could make this better. Also improving the dialogue is important as well, becuase what it was here made me yawn a bit. It was too ... i dont know, on the nose. The descriptions is something others have pointed out, so i wont.

Let me say that this was a nice read though, its clear you have some vision.. all thats needed is the drive to take it to another level. Good Luck!!

I agree with the above comments. The story has potential and the scene at the end with the woman getting killed is a great twist.

Well, other than what has already been said, I still have something to add.

I thought the idea of a package from the future was a good idea, but I think it still needs work, and I think there were too many characters for this story.

I think other than adding more characters into this short, you should save Hank's wife.

I also think Hank should find this package at the post office, and then deliver it.

I also think that the guys at the post office talking about making things right with something in the box from the future (even though they didn't know what was inside the box), and then finding out that is exactly what was in the box (something to make a difference in the future) well, that ruined it for me.  

I think Hank should deliver it to his wife as she is walking out to the car to buy some spagetti, catching her, then they both go inside and see the cook book catching fire. Find spagetti inside the package with a note.

Just my thoughts, trying to help,
Cindy

Quick one on formatting, If you can have a look at one of the script programs that will turn your script into a pdf, I don't have word on my mac and it means reading it in textedit which makes the formatting look off. At least with a pdf you know that everybody will see it as you intended. Someone else suggested celtx, i second that.

On to the story, I actually liked this story very much, I would suggest you work on this some more, even re-write it completely as you have got something here that has the potential to make a very good short. I also liked some of the descriptions you used, their certainly is some talent in there. I liked the little montage of people opening their mail. Very good.

Unfortunately your dialogue was pretty terrible if I had to be honest, there were not many lines then felt real at all, the fireman and the hospital scenes especially. Very average writing here really.

But it was a OWC, only so much you can do in a week and this was not a totally bad effort. You followed the guidelines of the OWC to the letter so well done on that. I enjoyed reading it so nice job.

Cheers

EDIT:

I felt bad about slating your dialogue without giving you an real reasons or advice. Not that I am a dialogue expert or anything, mine are often just as bad. But all you can really do is watch movies and pay more attention to the words being spoken, read scripts but speak the dialogue out loud - this really works for me!.

Then read your own scripts out loud, you will tell the difference straightaway. Bad dialogue can ruin an otherwise great script and is something that is really worth the effort working on. It needs to sound natural and not forced, listen to people speak in real life, most people never really say the whole sentence, often they never really explain anything, just a few words that in the overall context of the conversation make sense but heard on their own probably wouldn't. In this script's case each line of dialogue tries to say something whole, tries to tell a story so to speak. Just does not sound like a real conversation. It takes work but you will get there.

HaHa, what I just wrote probably makes no sense, Oh well, Like I said I am certainly no expert.

Cheers