I Love You, Elvira Gulch by Michael Cornetto - (Amur Cork-tree) - Short, Drama - A thug dresses in drag to retrieve a package from the post office but the post office clerk wants to give him much more than he bargined for. - pdf, format

Hmmmm.

This definetly seems like a comedy heavy-handidly converted to a drama by not changing tones but by adding scenes.  The result is a schiznophrenic tale that loses momentum on every shift.

Ex: The beginning, while I wouldn't catergorize as a drama, has a nice flow as a comedy until the partner starts calling the real Elvira a two timing b****.  Just feels like an add on to qualify for drama.

The premise itself only works for comedy. Dramatically, the suspension of disbelief doesn't work unless it's screwball.  To honestly think it would fly otherwise is silly.

The line worked well enough.  If not for the confines of this challenge, it can be tightened, revised, and successful.

The end scene also felt like an add on to qualify.  Now that you have met the challenge, i recommend you move on to a second draft and write it the way it wants to be.

This one seemed as confused about whether to be a comedy or a drama as the characters are confused about their genders. For me, this one came off as unclear in its vision. It’s as if the writer had an idea for a twist and was just trying to force a story that could lead to the twist.

Some of this felt very familiar; the guy struggling to walk in heels, the speaking in a deep masculine intonation, then coughing and switching to falsetto. (By the way, on a side note; why don’t movie cross dressers just wear flats? Or pants? And I’m sorry but men talking in falsetto sound nothing like women.)

It didn’t make sense to me that Rocky would care about Chris’s life considering that he and Jerry got ready while the murdered Elvira was in the same room. Why would a murderer like Rocky care to save some kid at the post office?

The police officer characters were written completely lazily. Hill and Dale? Their response to having just shot a kid with a tape dispenser was completely unbelievable. Their scenes had the distinct flavor of having been rushed just to get from A to B.

What happened to Jerry? What was in the package? These loose ends didn’t come off as artistic license. They came off as story threads that were started just to set up a twist. For me, it all just came off as contrived.

As for the love story and the twist; the love story had its moments and the twist with Chris was surprising enough. I just don’t think the payoff was worth the journey. This one was just okay for me.

On a positive note; it was written well enough and it had some good descriptions that helped hold some interest.


Breanne

Nice gender-bender tale with some wonderfully comic moments...However, it turns enough to the drama side after the shootings to still fit the genre...I think the characters are work better as comic elements...A big guy in a dress is ALWAYS funny to me, intentionally or not...The scene where Rocky jumps over the counter cracspiked me up...The scene in the hospital could be really touching if done right...Not that it matters much, but I'd have liked to have known what was in the package...

Easily one of my favorites so far.

This one has good clean copy. It's got the character's down pat with the kinda thick bad guys stereotypes.

Your title made me want to read this one and I liked the synopsis too.

The storyline isn't quite what it could be. I'm not sure what's in the package. I'm left to wonder why they killed Elvira Gulch or who killed her. Also, I'm wondering why Chris isn't upset that Elvira was killed. Or does she even know? Did I miss something?


There isn't really too much conflict or intrigue here, but there is nothing seriously wrong to complain about, just that it needs a little more story development and details.

Maybe I'd suggest you do something a little unexpected. Like perhaps make it so Elvira isn't actually dead, just knocked out. Then you might have some kind of race to get the package or something like that.

Only one typo I noticed.

>Chris [lay] in bed.

I think you want present tense. Chris lies in bed.

But I don't know, lay actually sounds better to me. Kind of like the difference between snuck and sneaked. I prefer snuck to sneaked. Or is it the other way around? I'm not sure come to think of it.

This is a fine job for a week's work.

Sandra

The writing itself was IMHO fine. The story on the other hand had some problems. You start out with the dead Evira on the bed. That's pretty serious. Therefore I didn't like at all that her being dead or missing is never mentioned again. As if that's something that doesn't matter and it made the ending not work at all.

What happened to Jerry?

What was in the package that made Rocky and Jerry do this?

I also think you had too many characters in this story. Too many for a short at least and there's no reason to name all the people inside the post office and give them occupations since they don't contribute to the story. It would have been enough to just say that there are a few customers inside.

Finally, the part at the post office when Rocky and Chris talk to each other goes on much longer than it needs too.

All of this can be fixed in a rewrite.  

At first I was disappointed that we never found out what was in the package, but then I looked at it as a Hitchcock-style red herring and don't mind as much.

The hospital scene was pretty annoying I thought, too cheesy and it was drawn out for too long. I would've preferred that the script ended after he walked out of the post office without the package, or that the hospital scene be shortened considerably.

Also, this seems to work more as a screwball comedy than a drama. Still, I really like the direction you went with this as it's quite different from everything else I've read in the challenge so far. Very original, and could be something special with a few re-writes.

I'm able to open this one up, but it's in a dingbats-type of font. It's unreadable. It makes me sad.




Sean

Bobtheballa FYI: the red herring term you're looking for is "McGuffin."

Had the same problem as Zombie Sean.  All symbols instead of a readable font.

Wish I could check it out.

Sorry.

Your title and synopsis made me want to read this. But i think i missed something when it came to El Vira's death. Why was she killed? What'd she do? Why is she not mentioned again?

Also i dont think you should give the random banker's names considering they dont do anything for your story. This story i'm not too sure about. Maybe there aren't enough pages for what i had hoped this would be. Some scenes  --like the bank scene - went on too long. the descriptions were okay to me, and your dialogue was good. Hope you do a rewrite, cause i liked it...Just think it needs one last touch.

oh yeah! What was in the box?!?!

So what I got was that Elvira was supposed to be seen at the post office. That way she wouldn't be dead.
I think more should be done about why she was killed. Maybe how they got the package together, too... if they were the ones who sent the package to the post office to begin with.

It was entertaining.
Cindy

Quoted from Souter Fell Bobtheballa FYI: the red herring term you're looking for is "McGuffin."

That's what I get for not looking it up... thanks!

This is well written and entertaining but I’d agree with the others that it is just too much of a stretch to be believable.

Short of a magic potion being in the package I can't think of a way to make instant love in this story work. So perhaps you should have him open the package to check it at the counter and find a magic potion!

Ha Ha Ha.  You're taking the p*ss out of this contest aren't you?  

I liked the characters in this, shame the concept wasn't a bit more believable.  And a clever twist.  Wish I had thought of that.

I like that there's two stories in here.  The thugs with the package and the love story with whatshername.  But I would have probably tied up some of the loose ends.  I would especially reconsider killing off Elvira, it's too hard to forgive Rocky for killing her - if he even did.

I enjoyed reading this but I don't really think it quite met the challenge.