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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Ants to the Gods
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  Author    OWC - Ants to the Gods  (currently 788 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ants to the Gods by Timothy F Betts (souter fell) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Peeko, a tribal youth, is the only one who believes his brother's claim that the Gods have finally come. - pdf, format


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SimplyScripts  -  October 31st, 2008, 11:11am
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...not sure what to say about this screenplay.

I did not like the way this ended...sorry.  It did not work for me in any way and not about Halloween.


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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mcornetto
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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You've been eating red berries again, haven't you?

I kind of liked this one and kind of didn't.  I was expecting some sort of twist at the end so it was nice to have one and it sort of made sense.  

I think the major problem I had with this script was that it was so hard to take the first part with the natives seriously.  I kept expecting a joke - it never came but I kept expecting it.  So when the ending happened, while it was effective, it wasn't as effective as it could be.

Anyway, that's my current theory.  I let you know if I find any evidence to the contrary.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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I also had a problem with the natives.  I felt they were talking to colloquial for those living in the jungle, which was very distracting.

I don't think it was necessary to include the 'language notices.'

The story, itself, was interesting.  You probably have the most unique setting of all the OWC scripts.  Good for thinking outside the box.


PHil


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An ancient relic disappears.  And Heaven and Hell will fight to get it back.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Writing-wise, this isn't bad...fairly clean.  One mistake was "effect" when it should have been "affect".

Story-wise is another issue.  First of all, I don't see where this satisfies any of the OWC requirements.  The fact that it's being told from the native's POV is interesting, but doesn't really work. I think it only mkaes things more difficult, especially with sub titles, and foriegn language.

Good try, but no cigar on this one.


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walford
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Thw writing was good, the story idea was good, the natives POV was an interesting take on the OWC. not sure about subtitles for nearly all of script. Overall a good effort. walford
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was original and I enjoyed the title because it rings true for me as well as in the story itself.

There's nothing major to complain about here. The only thorn in this piece for me was the label of THE BRATTY CHILD. A baby that can't even feed itself yet shouldn't be called bratty.

Oh yes, I guess I should mention that we don't really have much Halloween happening here do we. Oh well, it's still really well written so Happy Halloween anyways!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mythos
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Thinking outside the square? You bet!

I really like the way you went all out to create a unique world, including subtitles.

Your weighting of description (economic and effective throughout) and dialogue made for a quick read. The characters were sufficiently distinct and Peeko especially was engaging. Also, I thought the twist was very well set up.

Very creative. I enjoyed it!

The ending, however, seems unsatisfactory. It seems to crash your richly textured story into a black hole. Also, the Halloween element comes out of nowhere.

I’m guessing that you were setting up the massacre ending with what Cheelo says to Peeko on page 10: Well, if we die, we will be with your mother again. You still remember her, don’t you?
But do you think that an audience will remember this one brief exchange and make the connection?
As idea prompters only, you might, for example, want to consider making room to include a brief scene where the Mother’s spirit greets the emerging spirits of her slain husband and oldest son. Or maybe end with Peeko fleeing and swearing that one day he will take revenge on these false gods.
Still leaves the Halloween issue… hmm?

A few additional minor points:

• Might want to review “sound” words throughout and convert to caps – e.g. cries; laughter; chuckles; beaten; blown;

• To create more of a “period” timeframe to better support the twist, you might want to
replace contemporary sounding words like: damn; bratty; kid; mom.

• Given Cheelo’s traits, would he encourage Peeko’s disturbance of the Elders’ meeting? This, for me, was way out of character.

• Suggest rework Cheelo’s: But his altered state does not release his accountability – seems to jump into a different time and place.

Of course, as always, use only what (if any of this) works for you.


The journey is the reward.
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jayrex
Posted: October 30th, 2008, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,

I really liked this one.  Very creative and enjoyable.  I have no complaint about this story in itself.  

As for the OWC.  I'm guessing the soldiers are the invasion, but the hoax part.  Didn't quite get the feeling a hoax was incorporated into the script.

All the best,


Javier


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 2nd, 2008, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Now that I know that our dear Timothy wrote this one, it all rings perfectly clear!

Extremely well done I thought technically and I don't know if I'm right or not, but I thought the soldiers were just an advanced civilization (like we'd be Gods to anyone who never saw a cell phone or a match).

It's an excellent punctuation mark at the end when he says something to the effect of:

"Here kid. Have a chocolate bar! Happy Halloween!"

I thought it was perfect how you constructed this, but I've been known to be amiss with my veiled symbolism.

This was a really creative entry!

Good job Tim.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 16th, 2008, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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This one was actually pretty cool. It was a different look at the OWC theme and it worked well. One thing I wanted to point out was that I don't think an 8-year-old boy--a tribal boy at that--would say stuff like, "I don't want to die," but I don't know. I guess I'm used to the average 8-year-old saying stuff like, "I'm scared." The ending was a good twist. I kind of had the idea, but not really, so it was unexpected. It was sad too, and I felt bad for Peeko. Ha ha. This was a good script, well written, good dialogue.

Sean
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