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I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.
When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.
MBCgirl =) My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
You've been eating red berries again, haven't you?
I kind of liked this one and kind of didn't. I was expecting some sort of twist at the end so it was nice to have one and it sort of made sense.
I think the major problem I had with this script was that it was so hard to take the first part with the natives seriously. I kept expecting a joke - it never came but I kept expecting it. So when the ending happened, while it was effective, it wasn't as effective as it could be.
Anyway, that's my current theory. I let you know if I find any evidence to the contrary.
Writing-wise, this isn't bad...fairly clean. One mistake was "effect" when it should have been "affect".
Story-wise is another issue. First of all, I don't see where this satisfies any of the OWC requirements. The fact that it's being told from the native's POV is interesting, but doesn't really work. I think it only mkaes things more difficult, especially with sub titles, and foriegn language.
Good try, but no cigar on this one.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I really like the way you went all out to create a unique world, including subtitles.
Your weighting of description (economic and effective throughout) and dialogue made for a quick read. The characters were sufficiently distinct and Peeko especially was engaging. Also, I thought the twist was very well set up.
Very creative. I enjoyed it!
The ending, however, seems unsatisfactory. It seems to crash your richly textured story into a black hole. Also, the Halloween element comes out of nowhere.
I’m guessing that you were setting up the massacre ending with what Cheelo says to Peeko on page 10: Well, if we die, we will be with your mother again. You still remember her, don’t you? But do you think that an audience will remember this one brief exchange and make the connection? As idea prompters only, you might, for example, want to consider making room to include a brief scene where the Mother’s spirit greets the emerging spirits of her slain husband and oldest son. Or maybe end with Peeko fleeing and swearing that one day he will take revenge on these false gods. Still leaves the Halloween issue… hmm?
A few additional minor points:
• Might want to review “sound” words throughout and convert to caps – e.g. cries; laughter; chuckles; beaten; blown;
• To create more of a “period” timeframe to better support the twist, you might want to replace contemporary sounding words like: damn; bratty; kid; mom.
• Given Cheelo’s traits, would he encourage Peeko’s disturbance of the Elders’ meeting? This, for me, was way out of character.
• Suggest rework Cheelo’s: But his altered state does not release his accountability – seems to jump into a different time and place.
Of course, as always, use only what (if any of this) works for you.
Now that I know that our dear Timothy wrote this one, it all rings perfectly clear!
Extremely well done I thought technically and I don't know if I'm right or not, but I thought the soldiers were just an advanced civilization (like we'd be Gods to anyone who never saw a cell phone or a match).
It's an excellent punctuation mark at the end when he says something to the effect of:
"Here kid. Have a chocolate bar! Happy Halloween!"
I thought it was perfect how you constructed this, but I've been known to be amiss with my veiled symbolism.
This one was actually pretty cool. It was a different look at the OWC theme and it worked well. One thing I wanted to point out was that I don't think an 8-year-old boy--a tribal boy at that--would say stuff like, "I don't want to die," but I don't know. I guess I'm used to the average 8-year-old saying stuff like, "I'm scared." The ending was a good twist. I kind of had the idea, but not really, so it was unexpected. It was sad too, and I felt bad for Peeko. Ha ha. This was a good script, well written, good dialogue.