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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Long in the Tooth Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: December 5th, 2008, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Long in the Tooth by Cameron Mitchell (cam17) - Short, Horror - An old man discovers the night attendant at his nursing home is a vampire. 17 pages - pdf, format


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JonnyBoy
Posted: December 5th, 2008, 2:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cameron,

I really, really liked this. I didn't see the ending coming, and when I did I thought it gave the whole tale an unexpected sweetness that I really enjoyed. The dialogue throughout was very good, right up till the last line, which I thought was the best moment of the whole script, and a great ending. The title's a nice touch, too.

The only obvious mistake I saw (apart from the title page!) was halfway down page eight, when you've put JACOB (CONT'D) when it should be MARTIN. But that's such a small, easy-to-put-right thing that I feel a bit silly pointing it out. Is the name Martin a Romero reference? 'Cos that's kinda cool if it is.

It might be my naivety, but could someone as openly awful as Wells really be allowed to work in an old people's home? Again, not that that REALLY matters. Personally I'd have liked to see more of Jacob slowly working out Martin's true nature, rather than that sudden reveal. The only faint hint that we get is the line 'I like night work', and then the next time we see Martin he's up to the gums in someone's throat. Then again, it might be that I just wanted the script to go on for longer!

No doubt others will differ in their opinion, but I really liked it. Good job!

Jon


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Brian M
Posted: December 7th, 2008, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Nice script Cameron.

I did notice one or two things that may need fixed. On page two, you have a "BACK TO:" and never put the scene heading below (INT. COMMON AREA - SUNRISE RETIREMENT HOME - DAY) I'm not an expert but I think every time you change scene location, you must put the scene heading in.

I think it would be better if you marked the scene with Jacob and Marie as a flashback in your scene heading as you have him in the Retirement home, then go back in time to Marie's home, then back to the Retirement home, making it a flashback to how he got there in my eyes.

I really liked the story you have here. I liked how they all sit and watch t.v all day, arguing over who the actor is, which leads to my favorite line from Ezzy "Yes you have, you old goat." Brilliant.

I would have been better if you had more conversations between Jacob and Martin before he found out he was a vampire, build up their "friendship" a little more. Your characters were good, especially the orderlies, very mean!

Dialogue was good, some funny lines. One part I noticed was a bit repetitive. I think someone says "Ezzy, Ezzy" and asks a question and the reply is "No, no..." followed by the reply to the question. Didn't flow right for me, but it might be just me.

Overall, great script. I would have loved if it was a bit longer, build up the characters more, maybe have Martin give a story from his past to learn a bit more about him. With all the "Twilight" hype at the box office, vampire movies are my dish of the day and yours didn't disappoint me. Great work!


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The Forgotten Christmas Tape - Short, Dark Thriller (9 pages)
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Andrew
Posted: April 6th, 2009, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Cam,

Just finished reading this one, and like the chaps above, I am a fan of the premise here. A vampire with a social conscience; a vampire clearing out the trash - I like it.

I commented earlier, but you really are trying your hand at various genres, and each time your writing adapts comfortably - kudos for that.

The opening pages made me think of 'Born on the Fourth of July' with the orderlies etc. having no compassion. The oldies sitting around watching the box drew images of 'The Dream Team' in my mind, but without the 'crazies' element.

My only real criticism of this one is that it felt like you had a bigger story in mind. I can understand why Jacob would make the decision that he did, but feel as though I am reaching that point by myself. The only real explicit reason for his decision is that his daughter appears to have ditched him, but perhaps she is telling the truth? Maybe she does have problems? This notion that parents go into care homes due to Machiavellian kids - also depicted in 'Gran Torino' recently - doesn't always sit with me. However, without veering off on a tangent too much, I feel we needed to see a bit more of Jacob's past. He alludes to 'accomplishing nothing', but I would like to see a bit more of that.

There is a lot of potential here, but I think the material is suitable to a longer script, or else you drill down to focus on just Jacob maybe.

Andrew


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jwent6688
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

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Hey cam, Loved the script. Great to see some revenge on some of those abusive assholes at the retirement homes. Would have liked a scene added where Jacob see's Reeve's stealing from one of the tennants too. Like sneaking a piece of jewelry or a watch off an almost comatose old woman. That cr** happens all the time. Good writing though, Quick read.  James.


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