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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  A Patient Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Patient Man  (currently 306 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Patient Man by Jason Earle Helgerson - Short - A man waiting for a long lost love finds closure with a young woman looking for her next fix. 13 pages - pdf, format


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Xavier
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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It's a nice little script. Of course I should recommend some advice that was given to me, that you should add a little more dialog to your script, cos the more white spots on your script the better it looks. And I'm not saying that scripts are all about their looks but it just makes it easier on the reader's eyes.

Other than that I enjoyed the read and thought that you had a good story here.

Good Luck in the future,

Xavier


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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TattooGigolo
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks. Yeah, I've been told about the flip through by the reader - look at number of pages and a good amount of white. Since it is a short I didn't think that too big of a deal.

With my shorts I tend to limit the dialogue early on to make the viewer focus on the visuals. It is here that I really try to set the overall mood of the script as well as the personality of the main character.

I had thoughts of turning this into a feature at some point, but I'd change the main character to the younger woman (Rachael) since she has the greatest potential from the character arc point of view. This would change the over all mood and allow more dialogue.


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Xavier
Posted: January 20th, 2009, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah some times in shorts it's hard to find dialog that wont overthrow the script. I sometimes write more actions than dialog when my shorts are about three or four pages, but usually I write much more dialog in my screenplays.


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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