My Big Fat Geek Wedding Proposal by Ian Lempert (bobtheballa) (Bobba Fett)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A socially inept college kid enlists the help of his fraternity brother to write a wedding proposal in song-form for his girlfriend of one month. - pdf, format

One of the more original ideas I've read so far. It was refreshing, I'll give you that and it did have a fair share of laughs. I didn't like Nate's character though. There's a difference between being inept and just being a dick. If it'd slipped his mind that he should've picked her up, it would've been inept. Not so much when he actually expects her to come on her own just to make things easier for himself. The fish thing could've worked out better as well. If he's claiming to be in love with her, I'd imagine he'd remember something like this, even if it were in a creepy obsessive way. Throughout the whole thing, Nate came off as 50/50. Inept half the time and careless the rest. In the beginning, he just seemed kinda stupid. Preston really doesn't seem to be his friend. Maybe he's not supposed to realize it but he certainly should.

Not a bad script at all. In fact, quite good at times. Sometimes, it comes off as a less dark version of Welcome to the Dollhouse. At others, a raunchier version of Napolean Dynamite. Both movies where the hook is making fun of the main character. This one just left kind of a bad taste in my mouth just due to Nate not being completely inept and being sort of passive aggressive. If his being a target for the audience were made a little more obvious, I think this would've worked a lot better. Just the same, some good laughs and generally good character development.

EDIT: By the way, I loved the jab at the Black Eyed Peas by the DJ. Totally on point... and I actually kinda like the Black Eyed Peas .

Great stuff!  This was very funny, with some excellent lines. It moved fast, setting up all the punchlines. Preston was good as the comic support.

The song was well done, probably the best use so far. Liked all the asides.

A couple of things - Allison wasn't capped when introe'd and I would've maybe named the parents.   Nice job.    In my top 3 so far.

Not bad, pretty funny. Definitely figured out this wasn't going to end well for ol' Nate boy afrter the first coupld pages.

I loved the twist that was thrown in with her wanting to have sex... Good job.

I do find it hard to believe if she wanted to bone them, she'd invite her parents without telling him. But that just added to the comedy.

Nice finishing touch too, with the car being pawned for the ring. Poor guy looks like he's gonna have to hold out for a few more years...

I also liked the reference to this in the middle of the script. "Not really a romantic dramedy"...

Which it wasn't, mostly a comedy, but a greaqt script anyways...

I'd venture a guess, but what's the sense... We'll find out shortly.....    James

That was “Irritatingly Basic Bass Line Accompanied by Same Phrase Over and Over” by The Black Eyed Peas. ---   so funny.  LOL.

Well there were some very funny and clever lines in this story.  I wouldn't categorize it in any other genre than comedy though.  

As funny as it was I think it could use some focus.  And the characters lacked reaction which really seemed odd.  Like Nate wasn't at all surprised that Allison's whole family showed up.  And Allison's family who was supposed to be really religious didn't seem phased by his "indecent" proposal.  Like I said...just needs some focus.

You are a really good comedy writer and I was very entertained.  Thanks!  

it wasn't all that bad...kinda "cute-ish"...a little short in the drama dept...but i've noticed that most of the submissions cut, either, the drama or the comedy (including mine)...wished the lyrics would have been a little less sophomoric...really seemed to detract from the chemistry you developed between nate and allison...

This had a lot of laughs in it.  I especially enjoyed...

NATE
Good, how is it? Is it romantic in
a dramatic AND comedic way?

I think the biggest problem I had with it is that opportunities for utilizing surprise were simply taken away: We knew he was going to propose, we knew a marriage proposal song would be coming over the radio, and we knew Allison's parents and grandmother would be at the restaurant.  All in advance.  And so tension was drastically diminished.  On another pass, I would consider only revealing what you must to keep the story moving forward and the tension level raised.

I think you could tighten some of the dialogue. Like on page 4 Preston "can it be sexual" Nate "I don't see why not" Preston "I'm on it" - you could do without that, plus you don't want to give away what they are planning to do, surprise us, don't tell.

It started slow, then got extremely entertaining and refreshing and it turned into wonderfully crafted original piece. I just wish the beginning (up until the marriage proposal) was as strong as the rest of it. Maybe you could trim it a lot - like cut all the hellos, just show us that Nate's surprise when he sees her parents in a restaurant.

I truly enjoyed it, very good job, thanks.

I'm not sure about this one.  It was well written for the most part and I got a couple of good laughs out of it but I didn't like the self-referencing in the middle and I didn't like the end.  I also thought there were too many characters for a short (though somehow you did pull it off without much confusion).

I do think it could have been resolved a bit differently.  I'm not sure how but the ending kind of left me flat.  Not in a drama sort of way, but flat nonetheless.

However, I did think your dialogue was very good and your lyrics were amusing but the way you formatted the lyrics was very strange.  

You get:

It made me laugh and that is really the test of a comedy.

It lacks subtlety in a structural sense, but is a very entertaining read.

Ultimately it's kind of forgettable. To raise it out of the pack something more ingenious needs to happen near the end. I think that's why Michael found it a little flat. You've basically got a story about loser losing. If you judge the script as a whole, no value has changed in the main character.

Although it would be more obvious, people would remember it more if it made them feel good at the end. Make the loser suffer untold humiliation, have all his plans turn to mush, but then have him win in a way that he and the audience never really expected.

It's a predictable outcome, but it doesn't really work any other way.

Comedy as a genre seems to be one that really needs to end on a high for the audience. It's really the principle reason you go to watch one.

You've done the difficult part in making it funny though.

MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING PROPOSAL

Pros – Premise. Good description in places. Allison's Cosmo mag hidden in the Bible was a good contrast to Nate’s battle worn Playboy.

Cons – Dialogue especially in the beginning when Preston was reacting to Nate’s statements like a moron who really wasn’t listening. Whoa, that may be okay. Let’s see if anyone else notices this.

Comedy – Quirky. Nate is a sad sack who just doesn’t get it. Preston tries to help but he’s limited by being a frat boy.

Romance – Only in Nate’s mind and even he’s not sure.

Lyrics – Done as a wedding proposal song. Written by a frat boy. Yes, it was awful but it wasn’t meant to be pretty. Unusual formatting of lyrics with the digital time interfered with read. No need to be that exact.

Writer – Cool idea.

Criteria – This was a unique comedy based on romance but it wasn’t a romantic /comedy/drama thingy. I liked it.

Gary

Pretty much convinced I know who wrote this.

Meeting the competition criteria: it's a comedy. It's not particularly romantic, and I wouldn't say it's particularly dramatic. You used the lyrics well, but I don't think it's right, genre-wise
Characters: all pretty good. I liked Grandma, but I just didn't buy that Allison and Nate had EVER worked as a couple. Neither of them seemed particularly likeable, either. Preston was a good sidekick, however
Dialogue: generally funny. Don't know if I liked the self-referential moment in the middle or not...I think I did. There were definitely some funny lines, though
Story: the resolution just isn't particularly satisfying. The general tone was pretty straightforward comedy, which as someone else said usually works best with some kind of upbeat ending. I liked the general premise, although I didn't really buy it, but the ending just didn't really do it for me
Writing/format: the way the song was laid out was very distracting. I can see what you were trying to do, but at the end of the day this is still a script, and the way you handled that really broke up the read to the point where it was hard to re-engage once the song had ended. There were also a couple of other slightly awkward moments, such as "There are a few tables, half filled with people and the other half empty." Are the tables half-full, or are half of them full? Hopefully you see what I mean

Excellent submission! And a pow ending ta boot!

Loved this:

ALLISON
Oh, hi Mom.

She shuts the magazine…

>ALLISON (CONT’D)
Oh, just reading the Bible. Why?

I laughed here:
“Things to say to him at dinner to get him in the
mood.”

BecauseI was thinking. This should be more of an article
for guys. To get HER in the mood.
Men are always in the mood. Before. During. And after.
Women tend to "think" things first and that makes them in the mood and sometimes even moody.

Here:


>NATE
You bury dinosaur bones?

LOL x2!

Here:

RADIO DJ (O.S.)
That was “Irritatingly Basic Bass
Line Accompanied by Same Phrase
Over and Over” by The Black Eyed
Peas. It’s now 7:10.

Hey-hey! Donchya dis the Black Eyed Peas!

On page 9

It was like the parents disappeared. Write in a reaction shot.

Really well done!

Sandra

An interesting idea and a fun, quick read with plenty of pace. I enjoyed the dialog. Some of the lines were pretty good, like the opposite of Anthropology, and there was a nice little sting in the tail with pawning the car for the ring. I would have liked more description of the two main characters' reactions -- the reader has to work quite hard to imagine the emotions they must be feeling, and perhaps the pre-ordering fish thing could have been left out.

I thought the restaurant was more a situation for someone who was working and earning a salary. Done on a smaller scale, in a quiet student hangout with a singer-songwriter, and Allison unexpectedly bringing a friend rather than her family, might have worked better with student characters.

Although parts of this are OK, and even funny, overall, it's very flawed.  I usually don't go into much technical detail in an OWC, but here, I think it's neccessary.

All your slugs are poorly written, as they have no time given.  This makes it very difficult to get much of a picture for the scene, as well as time flow.  When you jump in time, you need a new slug, also.

You intro your characters as "college aged".  This means absolutely nothing, as all ages attend college.

There's really nothing in here to suggest that Nate is a geek, which throws off your entire story and title.

The romance is forced hugely...why in the world would Allison go out with Nate?  At first Nate says it's a few months they've been dating, then later, it's 1 month.

The whole Red Lobster dinner thing is just odd.  A radio station playing over dinner?  Playing anything someone sends in?  Nah...

Music and lyrics were written very oddly, as others have pointed out, and the lyrics didn't work at all, IMO.

This isn't horrible, but it needs a number of rewrites, and some thinking about the premise itself.  Good job completing a script in a week.