Haunting by Malcolm McKenzie (malcolm3) - Short, Comedy, Horror - The cast and crew of a paranormal investigations tv show, come face to face with the real thing. 30 pages - pdf, format

Thank's for getting this up so quickly Don.

Stuck in the middle of writing and re-writing 2 thrillers. I decided to have my first go at a short.

This is a non-too-serious send up of at least 4 shows currently showing on tv.

My wife is a confirmed adict of these so called - reality shows.

Can't see it myself, but they are very popular.

Have fun!

Hi Malcolm - Nice to see your first script here. Hope it won't be the last.

And now some comments...

1. No need for you to be put the title on the first page. This is very minor - and I should say I have seen some pro scripts with it on, but generally you don't need to do it.

2. Hey! I live near a place called Overton! Spooky!

3. Some will tell you that the opening is too descriptive. you could indeed cut a lot out and still tell us where we are in fewer words - but I thought it was OK myself, partly because I tend to write like this. I do think things like this are personal taste.

4. I'd probably avoid "close in on the front door" as this is a camera direction, unless it is vitally important to the script or your story that it is there. Just "Half a dozen workmen come running out of the front door" would be fine.

5. Good opening. Establishes a nice atmosphere straight from the off.

6. I'd drop the parenthesis with it's emotional instruction for the actor. The dialogue should convey how the character is feeling, which you do fine here.

7. No need to refer to Steve's house using his full name is there? you just call him Steve, and so fine to use "Steve's House" etc.

8. I think the bedroom scene negates what we had with the opening - it gives an impression that what we saw might be a dream. Perhaps it might be best to move it?

9.

Quoted from "Haunted Seven members of the Haunting show are sat around a large table discussing the falling ratings. The cast and crew are already bickering and trying to assign blame.

You need to avoid telling us things that should be apparent in dialogue or action within the scene. If you want to have the actors ad lib dialogue related to this description, then that's OK but you need to indicate an ad lib. ("The Actors AD LIB dialogue about falling ratings and who's to blame" for example). But in general I'd avoid it - actors already think they can write their own dialogue, we don't need to encourage it!

10. Personally I'd introduce Marge as just that, no need to give her a full name if you plan to use a diminutive.

11. I'd avoid a vague direction such as "Marge materialises" as this gives the imprssion she does such that! Unless you intend a sfx that lets her fade in like the TARDIS!

12. Liked the idea that the Production Team fast forwarding through the tape would cause the scene to break and speed up - you could perhaps have a "ff" or symbol appear onscreen to reinforce it?

13. I'd suggest no need for the bracketed "House" - just "The Pebbles" would be OK.

14. At this point I'd just recommend that you might like to read "Heavenly Connections" and "Spiritual Intentions" by Craig Cooper elsewhere on this site, as they may be of interest

15. I am worried that there are too many characters in the Production office scene - seven characters is a lot for an entire short, and you have them all in one scene! Maybe it might be better to drop/merge characters.

16. Good dialogue though. It sounds realistic, flows and has some nice touches.

17. I'm not sure that, given the stories I have heard about some of these shows, this situation would arise - wouldn't they just fake whatever they wanted to make the show work? I know you suggest here that "they" (the channel execs I presume) wouldn't go for it, but that doesn't sound very likely nowadays!

18. I have an aversion to toilet scenes - they seem to pop up endlessly in TV and films and are a cliche now. Maybe this could be moved to more salubrious surroundings like a lift?

19. From what I know of modern TV production, the scenes of the show setting up may be a bit overdone - isn't it all handheld cameras and low budget nowadays? This is more like a Hollywood production!

20. And more characters! Doesn't this put us into double figures? Maybe you should again merge the two into one - or ask yourself if you need this scene at all?

21. I am worrying that, after a great opening scene, you have defused the atmosphere a bit. We have had the bedroom scene, the boardroom scene, and the production set up scene and there's been a lot of talk, and I for one, as an audience member, would be asking when we were going to get to the meat of the sandwich!

This may be because you're more used to features, where build up can be spread out more - but with a short you need to be punchier.

22. You have the first noticeable slip up here with Rupert's name in capitals within the dialogue, and "overdue" instead of "overdo".

23.

Quoted from "Haunted" The village library is light and cheerful, with a large Georgian window at the front. There are chairs and tables in front of the book shelves and people are sat laughing and chatting.

In a library?

24. Another very minor point that has struck me - page numbers normally go in the top right corner, not bottom left.

25. More characters! More dialogue! Perhaps Samantha could just tell one of the others she has been to the local library and what she found out?

26

Quoted from "Haunted" SAMANTHA Overton Manor. (beat) All conversation in the library stops dead. The people sat at the tables turn and stare warily at SAMANTHA

Obviously - you need a gap between the dialogue and the actionline, and the (beat) can go in to the latter, if you need it at all. Oh and you sometimes (but not always) use capitals for character names when you don't need to after they are first introduced - this needs to be cleared up, but I am sure you realise that.

27. I really think the need here is for tightening. we have Samantha wandering the village, Marge getting ready, it is all defusing the impetus of the narrative. In a short like this, you need to keep things moving and constant scene changes are just slowing it down, especially if they do not add anything to the story, even if they are nice in their own right.

28. Again you have character names in block capitals, within dialogue.

29. Sorry to harp on this - but I am on page 17 and we have our second scene of Rupert driving and singing along to "The Archers" theme - you need to cut this out as it serves no useful purpose except to stretch the script out.

30. On p17 you have dialogue by Ken with (CONTD) used despite being on the same page and without an actual break between the two blocks of text! And more use of block capitals.

31. Ironically, after what I was saying about needing to cut down, I think in the scene on p17 where Samantha shows her findings, we need to hear her say something!

32. "series of shots" is a Montage.

33. Cameraman and Sound tech do need to be in block capitals when you mention them first time!

34. The Rupert dialogue on p23 should be OS not VO.

35. Where in the house does the vision happen? It just says "Overton Manor".

36. I was a bit confused about why Samantha is asleep in her apartment - wouldn't she be at the filming? Her part in the script doesn't seem very productive - she wanders about the village and then goes home! Maybe you could merge her character with Zoe?

37. The Twist on p25 was good - though I guessed some of it from Samantha's dialogue, the way you revealed it was good and might catch the audience on the hop.

38. The transition is unnecessary - you can put it in the description of the scene, and can mark it as a caption onscreen if you wish as well.

39. No need for use of CONTINUOUS

40. p28 Toilet scene - laugh out loud funny!

41. I thought the ending was a bit lacklustre - after all that we see happening, every one seems to have survived. I realise this is a comedy, but it is still a bit of a letdown!

42. Personally, I'd end on the scene with Rupert and his line - this would be a great fade out line.

This was, despite a few flaws, a very good first short here on SS. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the coming days...

Thank's for the review Niles. Really good.

To be honest, I deserve a bit of a kicking for this one. A great deal of it was written with tongue-n-cheek. You're perfectly right about hte ending being a bit of a let down, I was determined to keep the script to 30 pages no matter what. It did really screw the ending.

This really was a send up of 4 shows. ( Marge materialises) is exactly as intended. In one of the shows I'm sending up the medium does exactly that. Cheesy, I know.

The critique you have given this script will help me enormously with my serious stuff. You're quite right about me being new to the format. This is my second attempt.

My first attempt on SS was LIVING WITH THE BEAST that I've had removed by DON. I sent in my working DOC instead of the PDF and it looked like a pile of pants.

Strangely enough, the script itself was received extremely well for a first attempt.
I ended up paying for a full review. I can promise you, it wasn't half as in depth as yours. Thank's again Niles.

PS

As previously stated in most of my recent posts.

I read almost everything. Usually say I really liked it, or not so much.

At this moment in time I'm just not qualified to give a good critique. When I am, I'll give as good as I get. That's a promise and not just laziness.

Decent short, well written but didn't really have any extra oomph.
I think Niles pretty much covered the majority that I noticed.
On p11 overdue should be overdo
Around p12 to p17 the pace kinda dies out.  Do we really need all those set up scenes of setting up.  We can imagine all that.
The amount of characters was a little high, I agree that some could possibly be merged, or just clarified a bit.
Also it seemed like the whole faking ghost thing was pretty much wasted.  It just gets mixed into the general disarray once things go ugly.
Why not make it less obvious that they are going to fake things, then when the audience sees the first couple of smoke puffs they think its going down.  Then you show the producer being relaxed, we realize its fake.  Then start the real scary stuff. As it is theres zero suspense, because we know that hes going to fake stuff, and even exactly whats going to be fake.  And we know that some real stuff is going down.  If you change it up we actually get faked out a little, unsure whats happening.

Good luck with it.

Thank's for the critique Jack.

The truth is, I was caught between two ideas on this one. It started off being a pure send up of T,A.P.S, Most Haunted, Haunted Homes and one other, whose name I've forgotten.

As I was writing it, with Tongue stuck firmly in my cheek, I began to realise that there was the possibility of turning it into a number of episodes for TV; i.e 6 shows 6 locations, same cast. Strangely enough, this kind of stuff and the send ups of them, are extremely popular.

The problem is, I'm in the middle of trying to complete a second draft of one script
and the first draft of another. Haunted was really written for light relief.

I'd never considered writing a short before, so this was an experience.

The next time I attempt one, I'll give it my full attention.

Hi Malcolm,

I enjoyed this, thought i'd give it a read, as I knew a producer who was once brought in to boost the ratings for most haunted.  I agree with the others about there being to many characters.

Ken and marge were spot on for me, and I liked the flashback to Rupert's demise towards the end. I must say I sometimes find it hard commenting on peoples work who are more experienced.

Also, this kinda reminded me of the film, High Spirits in tone.

Good effort.

First of all, thank's for the read Cathead. It's always appreciated.

As stated in the foreword, this was more a send up than a serious attempt at a working script. It was written purely for a little light relief from a more serious project.

I have appologised for this. If I'm not serious about something; why should other people be? And that being the case, I should never have posted it.

Please forgive.

Secondly; NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! Be afraid to express your oppinion. That's exactly why everybody has joined this site. To get critique, oppinions, advice, is an absolute honour and should never be underestimated.

I owe you for reading it! It's as simple as that.

It doen't matter a damn if you think it's great, or a complete pile of pants. Your oppinion will always be gratefully received. Thank's again!

As for being a newbie. So am I. I have a tendency, at the moment, to limit my critique to the heart of the story, rather than the polish. I don't feel qualified enough for that yet. I'm getting there, and fast!

Always willing to return the favour. If you want something read, give me a nudge I've just got used to reading my personal messages first.