I like the idea, lets see...
Some giant blocks of text and dialogue.
Also typos: “full asking”,
After all that going on about how much the world has changed it’s pretty jarring to jump to a totally normal sale of a house being done exactly as it is now. I find it hard to believe all that stuff has gone on and theres still people peddling houses the same way as before, especially since land is in such short supply.
The dialogue with the scientists is seriously dense and unreadable. You’re going to have to find much better ways to convey to the audience what is going on with the world. Try some visual aids.
And I quit shortly after with the giant blocks of speech from the mayor.
You need to seriously rethink how you set up the beginning of this. Instead of grabbing the audience you beat us over the head with either esoteric bits about the magnetic field or inane stuff with the realtor. Surely with all that's gone on there's something exciting happening you could start with.
Why not show a refugee boat arriving, all miserable, people rioting at the port etc. That grabs our attention, then you slip back to an official watching and he explains the situation a bit. Or something to that effect.
Since there is so much background going into this piece it might be smoothest just to have some supers in the beginning. "A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, the earth was covered with radiation and the only habitable place was antarctica" Then lead up to something exciting. That way you arent trying to jam yards of info down our throats by slipping it into dialogue.
Like I said the idea seems pretty cool, and from the treatment its clear you thought this through quite a bit. However there's nothing in the first several pages that gives me the slightest interest in reading further. If I flipped a channel over and found this new show and it was two scientists talking about a magnetic field turning into a figure eight like a shoe lace I'd keep flipping.
Good luck with it. |
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Antarctica
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