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The Bay by Robert Skotte (Rob) - Horror - In a world ravaged by the walking dead, the safest place for man is among the most dangerous men on the planet - Pelican Bay State Prison. 121 pages - pdf, format
I love you as much as I love Mr. Williams. But honestly, you have to stop this all this gayness. It's just too much and frankly it's affecting my bixsexual / slut hooring activities.
I got the baby oil and the lighter fluid mixed up last night after I saw your birthday pressie pic.
Go and see Dreamscale or Stevie, they'll help you out fella!
Read a bit more of The Bay. You barstard. You are getting far too good. And not just your homo side either. Keep it up. Just stop pointing it at me!
Rob, An excellent effort here sir. This is a tight, action-packed horror thriller. Following are my comments. Gary
STYLE: Your penchant for upping the stakes and letting no one get out of a situation easily was excellent. Your use of “extra” descriptions was well done except for a few I noted below. When I write, I can see the visuals well enough but I am not sure everyone else can. But when you write, everyone can see the visuals.
FORMAT: Your format is distinctive with bolding – I don’t know about others here – but I like it. Your slug lines are interesting: You’re not much on DAY or NIGHT but you use CONTINUOUS. Okay, but a little strange. But I always knew where I was.
CHARACTERS: All the characters were well conceived except for two points. Vaughn. I am sorry I kept seeing him as Vince Vaughn. Not sure that’s what I needed to see in my head. If his name was Vince, it wouldn’t bother me. Who cares… that’s my mental baggage… right? And Zoe…I couldn’t figure out if she was the T&A of this man film, the conscience of the story, a possible romantic angle, or suffering heroine. Or a little of all four?
***SPOILERS***
STORY: Strong story. A few minor quibbles. Zs. Yawn. You did it right though, if you’re going to use them, do it well. The ship from the ocean aimed for the boat dock was one of those “Okay I can live with that moment but don’t pull anything else out of the magic hat.” Then you left Vaughn’s diary out where Nixon could find it at just the right moment.
BTW, I spilled my popcorn when the lights came on in the prison. Great reveal.
(I forgot to take notes for the first 25 pages! A good thing.)
p. 26 “her face a creased with concern.” Awkward wording.
p. 32 “deluding” not “diluting”
p. 32 C.N.N. not CNN (if you say the letters individually, use periods. F.B.I. vs. NATO)
p. 36 “my leadership” instead of “me leadership”
p. 37 “He might be fifty-something but he ain’t no pushover.” Good description - Reminds of something Humphrey Bogart might say.
p.44 “Is that F**king Vaughn again.” Question mark needed?
p. 57 “Get the led out” s/b lead
p. 70 “anamorphic shadows” strange but I get it
p. 89 “am open cell” an
p. 91 Don’t need to bold the gunner and pilot ages
p. 91 “the indigenous” should be “the indigents”
p. 93 “…folds like an accordion.” Great description - We are in Bogart’s place!
p. 93 Luther dies. Cool.
p. 94 “You've got 'em?” You
p. 94 “POV - THOUGH THERMAL GOGGLES” Through
p. 96 “building” needs a period.
p. 98 Had to look up “reticule.” I learned a new word!
p. 99 “Humanity at its worst.” A little overboard for description?
p. 99 …as Zombies cut into mercenaries and inmates with inhuman ferocity. “inhuman” is redundant. Or are you winking at us?
p. 99 “The run into the corridor.” “They”
p. 101 Jason should be killed by a black Zombie. Just saying.
p. 102 “The two mercenaries slams the hatch shut, guards…” slam, guard
Reasonably tight script. Some good lines in there as well.
Solid writing and good pace. Would probably make for an enjoyable film.
Overall feeling:
Wasted opportunity.
The premise is brilliant and really gave me hope that you could find a new angle on the whole zombie thing.
I felt that you underused it. I could imagine all the tension and suspense before I even started reading. The conflict between the prison guards and the inmates and then the moment when they all cut and ran and left the inmates to fend for themselves.
All the conflict between the inmates as the food started to run out etc
Your choice of "The Bay" is inspired imo. It's the home of some of the most notorious gangs around, people who run whole crime operations from their cells.
The film just seemed to start in the wrong place and then veer off from a more interesting angle IMO.
I could imagine the fear and tension as unofficial reports started to penetrate the jail from the gang leaders cronies and such.
The fresh angle would be watching how this group of people reacts to the growing crisis, rather than just watching them fight which is how all zombie films go down.
There are so many themes that the premise seems to make possible and it could be a teriffying psychological experience.
And all the drama that's there with the toughest guys on the planet falling to pieces. That could be really special IMHO.
So yeah, sorry to put a downer on it. I really feel like you've got something potentially great here with the premise, just think you went a bit generic with it.
You've got a solid piece of work, but there's the chops there for some real psychological terror and a deep look at human nature.
The other advantage of what I'm saying is that it would slice the budget into pieces as well. I reckon you'd have a stronger, more powerful film and it would be within the scope of a lot more filmmakers.
Anyway, just my personal thoughts.
Rick.
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For some unknown reason my comments have "mysteriously" vanished within the confides of thin air, so here goes again... I have downloaded this script, I will read it and review it after I reformat my computer and install a new OS "I've left the PC market behind for good due to windows 7 suckin' cow utters. Luckily I back up my content on a TB"... I simply wrote this earlier to have a place marker on the thread as to not clutter it up later... So, this will serve that purpose.
Hi Rob. I see you managed to cut 6 pages from the copy you sent me. I still think it read pretty good as it was. I haven't looked at this'version' but my comments stilll stand: this was great.
Reading Dec's comments, I see what he's getting at. But you weren't really going for that type of script. This is your blockbuster zombie action flick, not a study in psychology. i like Dec's suggestions though; maybe an alternate version?
Anyway, nice job, Rob. This is one of the best scripts I've read on this site. cheers
STYLE: Your penchant for upping the stakes and letting no one get out of a situation easily was excellent. Your use of “extra” descriptions was well done except for a few I noted below. When I write, I can see the visuals well enough but I am not sure everyone else can. But when you write, everyone can see the visuals.
That might come down to overwriting on my part - and why this thing went much much longer than I thought it would. But if the visuals are clear then I guess that's something.
FORMAT: Your format is distinctive with bolding – I don’t know about others here – but I like it. Your slug lines are interesting: You’re not much on DAY or NIGHT but you use CONTINUOUS. Okay, but a little strange. But I always knew where I was.
About the bold slugs, I've personally grown tired of the "normal" slug lines. I don't think they look good and I don't think the too good a job separating the scenes, so I've tried underlining them, then bold and underline and now I'm going with just bold. I like how it looks, like how it more cleary separates the scenes.
About the DAY/NIGHT vs CONTINUOUS, I guess it's a matter of taste. I personally think that once you've established that it's DAY, then it stays DAY until I state otherwise.
CHARACTERS: All the characters were well conceived except for two points. Vaughn. I am sorry I kept seeing him as Vince Vaughn. Not sure that’s what I needed to see in my head. If his name was Vince, it wouldn’t bother me. Who cares… that’s my mental baggage… right? And Zoe…I couldn’t figure out if she was the T&A of this man film, the conscience of the story, a possible romantic angle, or suffering heroine. Or a little of all four?
Vince Vaughn? Haha, I actually had the same thoughts when I started writing this and I guess I was gunning for a Vince Vaughn "appearance" with Vaughn (don't know if that makes any sense?) but, I guess, more importantly, I like the name.
I could never really get Zoe to work properly. You're right, it's a little of all four. I just wanted to have a "good guy" among the bad guys (as there are bad guys among the good guys). I gave her a flashback to establish the lost daughter angle and to give her a goal (other than her own survival). It was actually my intention to write a flashback scene for all the central characters to show how they ended up where they were (I did one for DeShawn - which was actually quite good) but once the page count got out of control, I scrapped the idea.
STORY: Strong story. A few minor quibbles. Zs. Yawn. You did it right though, if you’re going to use them, do it well. The ship from the ocean aimed for the boat dock was one of those “Okay I can live with that moment but don’t pull anything else out of the magic hat.” Then you left Vaughn’s diary out where Nixon could find it at just the right moment.
Yeah, the ship and the diary were quite convenient, weren't they
p. 101 Jason should be killed by a black Zombie. Just saying.
Aw, man, why didn't I think of that? That makes perfect sense of course. I actually wanted Nixon to kill Jason, but I couldn't get them in the same scene at that point.
The premise is brilliant and really gave me hope that you could find a new angle on the whole zombie thing.
I felt that you underused it. I could imagine all the tension and suspense before I even started reading. The conflict between the prison guards and the inmates and then the moment when they all cut and ran and left the inmates to fend for themselves. All the conflict between the inmates as the food started to run out etc
The film just seemed to start in the wrong place and then veer off from a more interesting angle IMO.
I could imagine the fear and tension as unofficial reports started to penetrate the jail from the gang leaders cronies and such.
The fresh angle would be watching how this group of people reacts to the growing crisis, rather than just watching them fight which is how all zombie films go down.
There are so many themes that the premise seems to make possible and it could be a teriffying psychological experience.
I get what you're saying here, Rick, and I agree, that would be an interesting story but it would also be a different one from the one I was trying to tell (but it's definitely worth remembering if I ever were to do a prequel). Most of the Zombie movies that I have seen concentrate on the actual outbreak and the spread of the virus and I purposely wanted to stay away from that one. I wanted to show what can happen once the "dust settles" so to speak.
The most interesting aspect of writing this story was the human vs human factor. The Zombie thing was mainly there to provide the outter settings, that the world is, in one word, f****d and that no help is coming. And that, in the end, some men and some women will do everything in order to survive.
Whether that came across through the story is another can of worms but that was the intention.
So yeah, sorry to put a downer on it. I really feel like you've got something potentially great here with the premise, just think you went a bit generic with it.
You've got a solid piece of work, but there's the chops there for some real psychological terror and a deep look at human nature.
Continuing from what I said to Gary in my previous post, abouth the flashback, when I finished this one, it was too long - it still is - and while one part of me thought about what to cut, another part of me thought about actually expanding this, turn it into a series instead and show the start of everything (for all of the central characters, I mean). I still like that idea but it seemed like a daunting task and at that point, my mind had already gone off to other things.
The other advantage of what I'm saying is that it would slice the budget into pieces as well. I reckon you'd have a stronger, more powerful film and it would be within the scope of a lot more filmmakers.
This is one of my (many) problems, keeping the budget down when I write. I can't help it. I like helicopters. I like big guns. I like big settings.
I'm actually writing something right now that has one location and zero budget - and that has, so far, been a great learning experience.
Anyway, thanks again for the input, Rick, it's greatly appreciated.
I've been meaning to try the new Windows out - I guess you're saying I shouldn't bother? But does it sucks goat balls or big elephant dicks?
You tell me when you get the chance... I couldn't install it on my Dell. Long story... I had two computers, an Acer I got about 2 years ago and used only for writing and light office stuff and basically used it as a storage locker for movies, games, music, pictures, art work and animation flicks I do with Toonboom or macromedia flash... Well, About 5 months ago I got a really blazed out Dell with 8 gb of DDR 3 ram and a smokin' grafix card and I've been wanting to use it as my all in one everything PC and give my old Pc to my nephew... Well, both Pc's had Vista installed on them and I had bought windows 7 back when it came out but kept putting off installing it cause of the need to want a clean slate when I do and the back up takes forever and la and blah...
Well, I got around to doing that last week but it wouldn't install. It kept giving me a Retrieving system pool data error. I installed over and over. It consumed my week. Finally I went back to vista and then ultimately broke down and got me a mac the otherday...
Needless to say I'm done with windows and the Pc market... But it was more than that cos I always had problems with vista and windows 7 was just the lit fuse. Anyways, I'll get my files and media sorted soon and uploaded on my new mac and get Adobe pro installed and be back on track soon enough. This was one script, believe it or not, that I was actually looking forward to so I hope it meets expectations.
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