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Hathor's Lamp by Miguel De Zayas - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Do you believe in life after death? I can't say I could blame you. I was just like you once until one day I saw with my own eyes the blueprints of the "missing link" between Flesh and Soul: The mysterious 'Hathor's Lamp'... A doorway into the Afterlife 96 pages - pdf, format
Hey Miguel, just took a glance at this one. What is with the 'optional' title in brackets on your title page? I'd suggest you decide on a title and stick with it.
Your first scene header is way off.
Show don't tell. How do we know the yacht is about to perform a rescue mission?
The scuba divers should be CAPPED when you introduce them.
Do you mean a man known as Dr Hess? A man known by Dr Hess implies another man that Dr Hess knows. Why not just write DR HESS, 45, German... It reads better than what you currently have.
Your first wrylie in Dr Hess' dialogue is not necessary. Get rid of it.
Action paragraphs should be no longer than four lines in general, your first one is six and your second is five. Make them shorter.
This new man standing next to Dr Hess should be CAPPED on introduction.
Dr Hess shouts to him another instruction is not necessary. Get rid of it.
The third wrylie is not necessary. Get rid of it.
Your next scene heading is wrong.
You give us no description of Professor Collins. How old is he? What does he look like? And for that matter, what does Dr Hess look like?
Get rid of the continueds at the top and bottom of the pages.
There are mistakes in your first paragraph at the top of page 2.
More wrylies. Get rid of them.
A 19 line action paragraph. And that's where I stop reading. Sorry but I can't even make it past 2 pages, no way I can finish the whole thing. Read some screenplays and learn about proper formatting. Good luck.
Thanks for the tips. I'll take them into consideration when I revise the script again. As for the scene headings I didn't quite understand what you're trying to say with "way off"... to long? The continueds are not mine, those are part of the CELTX software application while publishing the script...not my fault, and probably accepted. I'll do have to work on the wrylies more. It's a shame that those formatting mistakes prevented you from reading the rest. One thing though, if it's true that some producers and story hunters may feel reluctant to read a script with these type of mistakes, others may also be aware that they are dealing with non-professional writters and that what counts is the STORY. If anyone here believes that what they have written is final I have news for you: you are wrong. You could have written in perfect British English a script without an interesting story and it may use a bunch of bytes in someone storage. You write a good story and you will be discovered sooner or later. Mistakes can and must be solved if we could detect them in time. Stories on the other hand grows from inspiration and they are the ones produced eventually... Or I'm wrong?
So... What do you think guys?
Story versus Formatting?
As for me, no vocabulary mistake or formatting error would stop me from reading other's scripts... But that's me.
Thank you all for any help you could offer.
Sincerely;
MDZ
"The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows." (Frank Zappa)
Thanks for the tips. I'll take them into consideration when I revise the script again. As for the scene headings I didn't quite understand what you're trying to say with "way off"... to long? The continueds are not mine, those are part of the CELTX software application while publishing the script...not my fault, and probably accepted. I'll do have to work on the wrylies more. It's a shame that those formatting mistakes prevented you from reading the rest. One thing though, if it's true that some producers and story hunters may feel reluctant to read a script with these type of mistakes, others may also be aware that they are dealing with non-professional writters and that what counts is the STORY. If anyone here believes that what they have written is final I have news for you: you are wrong. You could have written in perfect British English a script without an interesting story and it may use a bunch of bytes in someone storage. You write a good story and you will be discovered sooner or later. Mistakes can and must be solved if we could detect them in time. Stories on the other hand grows from inspiration and they are the ones produced eventually... Or I'm wrong?
So... What do you think guys?
Story versus Formatting?
As for me, no vocabulary mistake or formatting error would stop me from reading other's scripts... But that's me.
Thank you all for any help you could offer.
Sincerely;
MDZ
Last minute note: I want you to know that I sincerely thank you for your tips. I've fixed some of the formatting problems you found and soon will be posted in my author's page. I understand that we are not allowed to send more than once the same script. It's not the case in http://www.scriptbase.eu where I also have ot posted. There you can edit the content as many times as you wish... I did it already there.
"The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows." (Frank Zappa)
Thanks for the tips. I'll take them into consideration when I revise the script again. As for the scene headings I didn't quite understand what you're trying to say with "way off"... to long?
The scene headers should only contain the basic information. You don't specify the exact time in them. You don't need present day. So I would just have EXT. OCEAN - DAY
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The continueds are not mine, those are part of the CELTX software application while publishing the script...not my fault, and probably accepted.
You can turn off this function in your software. It is better without them and it saves space.
Quoted Text
I'll do have to work on the wrylies more. It's a shame that those formatting mistakes prevented you from reading the rest. One thing though, if it's true that some producers and story hunters may feel reluctant to read a script with these type of mistakes, others may also be aware that they are dealing with non-professional writters and that what counts is the STORY.
Sure the story counts. But a reader has to be able to get to the story. And you have to tell that story well. A good story also has a certain structure to it, in the same way as a screenplay has a structure to it. Uusually if a writer doesn't have a good grasp on how to structure or format their screenplay correctly it is a strong indicator that the story won't be structured correctly either. There are mllions of screenplays out there, producers are inundated with them. They will not give up their time to read a poorly written screenplay in the hopes of finding a gold nugget. Because they know that a properly formatted screenplay is by a writer who has more experience and is more likely to give them what they want than an amateur.
Have a look at the second page of your script. Look at that massive action paragraph you have. Nobody wants to read paragraphs that long. It is poor writing, and poor storytelling. Four lines max. Try and have as much white space on your pages as possible. I mean look at all the mistakes I pointed out in just two pages. How many do you think I would find in 94 pages? I'm just saying that you could have the best story in the world but if you tell it poorly people won't be interested.
Quoted Text
Story versus Formatting?
You need to get the formatting right so people can get to your story. But it is not just the formatting that stopped me from reading. It is the quality of the writing. It simply isn't good enough to hold my attention and make me want to read on. How many screenplays have you read? My guess would be not many. You can't write a good screenplay without knowing what you are doing, and the best way to figure that out is to read a lot of them. Read quite a few professional screenplays and then go back over your own and give it a thorough edit and it should make a huge difference.
The scene headers should only contain the basic information. You don't specify the exact time in them. You don't need present day. So I would just have EXT. OCEAN - DAY
You can turn off this function in your software. It is better without them and it saves space.
Let's take things one at a time:
Firstable, Thanks once again for youe comments, but I'd like to agree and disagree in some topics:
1) If those who created the application software for the structuring of the script decided to use cont'd or any other form...is their decision and as you can see my script has three (3) little stars attached to it.
2) Since you didn't read the story...because your lack of stimulus, the point in making "PRESENT DAY" is justified since the next scene heading goeas back 6 months into the past.
Sorry but I'll have to use Cont'd again to my next post.
If you're interested in reading my opinions about yours...keep in touch! Sure the story counts. But a reader has to be able to get to the story. And you have to tell that story well. A good story also has a certain structure to it, in the same way as a screenplay has a structure to it. Uusually if a writer doesn't have a good grasp on how to structure or format their screenplay correctly it is a strong indicator that the story won't be structured correctly either. There are mllions of screenplays out there, producers are inundated with them. They will not give up their time to read a poorly written screenplay in the hopes of finding a gold nugget. Because they know that a properly formatted screenplay is by a writer who has more experience and is more likely to give them what they want than an amateur.
Have a look at the second page of your script. Look at that massive action paragraph you have. Nobody wants to read paragraphs that long. It is poor writing, and poor storytelling. Four lines max. Try and have as much white space on your pages as possible. I mean look at all the mistakes I pointed out in just two pages. How many do you think I would find in 94 pages? I'm just saying that you could have the best story in the world but if you tell it poorly people won't be interested.
You need to get the formatting right so people can get to your story. But it is not just the formatting that stopped me from reading. It is the quality of the writing. It simply isn't good enough to hold my attention and make me want to read on. How many screenplays have you read? My guess would be not many. You can't write a good screenplay without knowing what you are doing, and the best way to figure that out is to read a lot of them. Read quite a few professional screenplays and then go back over your own and give it a thorough edit and it should make a huge difference.
Cheers, Tim.
"The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows." (Frank Zappa)
You can submit your revised script the same way as you did the first one - just note it to Don when you're uploading that it's a revision.
It may take a couple of weeks, but it will be here eventually. Actually, I think if you have it hosted on another site you mention that to Don as well and he can get it up more quickly somehow.
I should clarify a couple of my points. With the continued at the top and bottom of pages, this is generally done in shooting scripts. What you have written is a spec script and they are preferably left out. So they are in the software for a reason but you would benefit from turning that function off. Other people will give you the same advice, trust me. I am not sure what the three stars thing is that you are referring to.
Scene headings should only contain basic information of what will be filmed, INT or EXT, the location, and the time of day. Something like six months in the past is a story concern, not something that can actually be filmed. So you want the people watching the movie to know it is six months in the past, and they won't know that from a scene heading as it doesn't appear on screen. So you include a SUPER and specify either present day or six months ago or whatever time period we are now in.
You can submit your revised script the same way as you did the first one - just note it to Don when you're uploading that it's a revision.
It may take a couple of weeks, but it will be here eventually. Actually, I think if you have it hosted on another site you mention that to Don as well and he can get it up more quickly somehow.
AJR
That's good news!
I already made changes in my original script. You see... when I began to write my story I had no idea whatsoever what a script was.
I'm not a writer! I'm not considering myself one and further more I don't dream to pay my bills out of scripts at all.
I, however do have a STORY to tell. It was inspiration 100%. I was sick for an entire week and the images came to me as an avalanche. I began to write them down until I decided to learn the basics on screenplays to bring it alive.
Obviously, I only learned 1/2 of the basics
These last days I looked through pages of the web and I found some good ones. So! I fixed it and even added some interesting features to it.
The entire revised story will be posted in my author's page as soon as tomorrow if time allows it.
Thanks for your optimistic advise!
God bless you!
"The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows." (Frank Zappa)
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Hathor's Lamp
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