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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy  ›  Rally Point Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: March 14th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rally Point by Jason Earle Helgerson (TattooGigolo) - Comedy - Josh's plans to become a successful Rally racer get sidetracked by a manipulative hottie.  96 pages - pdf, format


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c m hall
Posted: March 20th, 2010, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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There's going to be a sour tone in this review -- it might be just a result of envy, fatigue or a bit of undigested gruel.

Although this script shows you've got writing skills -- to me it seemed  like it might have been an assignment; write a comedy and use a lot of gags.  Maybe on the screen, with really attractive actors this could be entertaining, but I didn't even smile, reading it.  

Again, you've got skills -- most of the scenes are set up well, there are clever bits of action, and some quick, mostly bright dialogue, but the characters... nothing much to care about, one way or another.  






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TattooGigolo
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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@c m hall

It actually was an assignment, but there were no guidelines. So there is no one to blame for how it turned out but myself.
I was pretty happy with the friends, but I know I need to work on the protagonist and the antagonist. Was just hoping for a few ideas... I have some of my own, but more is good.
I hope the gags pertaining to Bill felt in line with his character. He was meant to come off as a bit immature and try to drag the others down to his level.

Thanks for the compliments on the technical aspects. The characters are definitely the focus of future rewrites.  

My main reason for putting it up is that I am trying to decide if I should work on a rewrite or set this aside for a while and start the next one.


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c m hall
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Whether you rework this script now or come back to it later, my thought is that you have the ability to make this a first rate comedy.  

My further two cents: the scene with Josh taking the order for pizza and the skittles... in just a few lines you put together a good zany scene --  I don't mean to sell that short, for a minute.

















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