Secret Agent Deadly Pt.1 by Scott Osowski - Series, Action, Adventure - A paradox solving omniscience power is transfered unknowingly to a group of public access T.V. "stars". A criminal mastermind group uses this power for evil and a private investigator seeks revenge on it's leader Felicia Fatale. Part 1 of a series. 25 pages - pdf, format

a more recent version http://www.mediafire.com/?mmyafmzljgj

Hello, Dr. Brain Laser. I just read the latest version of your script and here are my thoughts. Overall, I think you have a very inventive and interesting idea here but you may want to refine the story further.

I found it a little curious that you would describe Number One as a 1950s film-noir detective only to have him swear like a sailor. I assumed, from the description, he would use inventive turns of phrases and convoluted similes in the style of his predecessors instead of the blunt language used here.

I know you didn't have a lot of room to work with in terms of length but the scene where Kevin tells Mitch about his computer's odd properties seemed painfully rushed, especially when you consider how important this moment is.

Something else which bothered me was the drastic shift in tone late in the story. After being introduced to the four friends in one story arc and a stylized detective and femme fatale in another, we suddenly have Number One murder the four friends in a cold and callous manner.

The worst part about this shift is that I was left with nobody in the story to cheer for. Why should I root for Number One, after all, when the story ultimately depicts him as a foul-mouthed cold-blooded killer?

You should use more in-depth sluglines for clarity's sake. The sequence at the bottom of Page 3, for example, moves from a driveway to a kitchen to a basement all without sluglines cueing us into the changes in location. I would suggest using a new slugline for every change of location. Although there's nothing technically wrong, I'm not sure you need to use CUT TO transitions as a new slugline implies a cut.

You may want to consider using more descriptive titles for some of the characters, such as the men in jumpsuits, so as to better keep in mind who these people are. I would also suggest referring to characters in the action by the cue used for dialogue, such as referring to Number One by that handle consistently, for the same reason.

There were numerous sentences throughout the script which did not end with a period. There were also a smattering of spelling and grammatical mistakes, but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a good proofread.

I hope this helps, Dr. Brain Laser, and good luck with your script.

hey, thanks for the tips. I wrote it for a class and the limit was 25 pages, so thats mainly why everything is happening too fast. I'll probably get around to finishing it, but I have a plan for the un-timely deaths of the four main characters.