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Try and be more specific on the figure you want to depict.
OK now in the second paragraph we learn it's a teenage girl. So I'm imagining you want to not be specific and then draw in closer and that's good, but again try and write that more clearly so that the reader doesn't think you're amiss.
I never knew you could snort Heroin.
I felt like this just ended. You know? Just ended. Oh God I hope our lives aren't like that. I hope we take something with us when we go. Not the money and shit, but you know, something "real".
I love the title you gave this and you got the read which is excellent. Develop this one. Here's something to get you started. The Rolling Stones did this one originally, but I think if you were on a heavy drug, it might sound like this kind of thing and that would be cool to work with.
One of my sons became addicted to he-ron the king.
We found him in a hotel room after his "friends" freaked out and ran.
His body was partially atrophied and the bile in his stomach has settled into his lungs causing permanent damage.
He was in a coma for two days. When he came around enough to talk, he spoke just like you just did. Had he had a ledge, had he not simply clipped out from a hot shot, had we gotten to the hotel 15 minutes later, I would be discussing this scripts minus one son.
In a truly honest moment he told me, dad the moment that drug touched my soul, I knew I had lost a part of it to heroin and now its all I can think about.
Through tons of prayer and support and counsel, he is clean.
You are close to showing truth, but please be careful not to try and stylize it because the truth is ugly, not angelic.
Unless you are standing over your beautiful son in a coma from the ugly influenance of he-ron green bile dripping from his beautiful stomach into a an ugly bottle. as nurses takes his beautiful 220 plus pulse while three times they bring him back from an ugly death into this beautiful life. In the case of this script or your example, this is a "you need to be there and watch your son die three times " kind of example i am giving.
The writer put out an example of a suicide by drug death. I am offering a true example for which the suicide did not work and how we were able to regain our son back from this addicition and own him once again as our son.
Ugly is when you storm into a hotel room and your son is blue and foaming at the mouth. Angelic is the moment a doctor walks into the chapel you are praying in to say " he is alive"
Unless you are standing over your beautiful son in a coma from the ugly influenance of he-ron green bile dripping from his beautiful stomach into a an ugly bottle. as nurses takes his beautiful 220 plus pulse while three times they bring him back from an ugly death into this beautiful life. In the case of this script or your example, this is a "you need to be there and watch your son die three times " kind of example i am giving.
The writer put out an example of a suicide by drug death. I am offering a true example for which the suicide did not work and how we were able to regain our son back from this addicition and own him once again as our son.
Ugly is when you storm into a hotel room and your son is blue and foaming at the mouth. Angelic is the moment a doctor walks into the chapel you are praying in to say " he is alive"
Shawn.....><
Hello Shawn,
I don't want to talk right now about the things that really disturb me-- things that are true. At the present, I'd rather write them as fiction, but l want to share with you that the feelings you describe...
Are the ones I know.
Sometimes (a lot of times) I make light of things. I joke. Take it to a hideously and unholy kind of level, but I'm only trying to relate to what's happened in my own life. Things I can't deal with on a human level. Things that I know I need to work with and the answers will come.
I imagined this as a PSA. It worked. But I'd take out Cassie snorting heroin out of her hand and replace it with her being droopy-eyed, needle tracks on her arms. We'd get the point.
The title's been used. You should come up with something original. The writing could be tightened up in a couple spots, but I like the fact that your tackling a very serious issue, as we have learned from Ledbetter's comments.
I'll be on the lookout for more of your stuff should you decide to stick around.
Not much to say about this really, is it what it is. Pretty well written for the two page duration, more of a chronicle of the final moments of someone life (literally) rather than an actual story with fleshed out characters. But then again, it is only a two pager and with all due credit you fitted a lot in there.
Not sure about the sniffing heroin as it’s usually ingested intravenously. If Pulp Fiction ever thought us anything...
Good suggestions from Screenrider in that if you show the needle marks, her gaunt appearance along with the voiceover, the reader will put two and two together.
Very serious subject matter and its good you didn't try to glamorize it in any way. But, I think you could have dug a lot deeper into the character. All of the stuff about "you're always chasing the first high" has been done many, many times before. Really, all we know about the girl is her name. I think the ending would be more moving if you crafted her into a believable character.
Maybe if you had Cassie mention that even rehab didn't help, it might have made her suicide all the more real. As it is, we don't know if she really did anything to get herself off the stuff.
Since a large number of addicts relapse after rehab, sad to say, we would feel more sympathy for Cassie because then we knew that she had truly tried her best to save herself.
On the top of page one it is better to say "the sound of loud music is thumping below". And cut out "She has been crying" the bit "Her eye liner has run down her face" is enough (show don't tell blah, blah I'm sure we've all heard it).
Apart from this I agree with the rest. Maybe the script should start with her in the club...leaving her mates then heading up to the roof all background info can be filter through there.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
While i agree that your not glamorizing heroin, this piece is over stylized and feels very shallow, you even started with quote in order to try and give it more gravitas. Drug addiction is a very serious issue. I'm sorry, but it felt like pretentious and cliched piece to me.
Also why does she jump when she has the drug and is on a high?
Sorry i couldn't say anything more positive, it's only one mans opinion, maybe it just hit a nerve with me.
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Sympathy for the Devil
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