A  Winters Mirage by Liam Sheppard (liam197199) - Short - A short about a family. 5 pages - pdf, format

A noble effort.  Very clean writing.   Dialogue was real.  Story-wise, it seems it could've had a little more dimension.   Maybe another twist on top of the twist.   Or something.

Well done.  

Touching, nicely written, but as Screenrider said, it needed more in terms of plot. Once we're at the church, we know what's going to happen. I think if you used the same device through out the script, showing Joanna in various rooms and giving the illusion that she is alive? As, she leaves the kitchen, Simon enters, and he might say he wants his mother to help him him put his shoes on, only to be told he'll have to do it himself etc. Just a suggestion.

I personally think the twist worked, I didn't see it coming.  But then again, I'm famously bad a guessing twists.  In terms of writing, your description was adequate, but I found the dialogue to be a bit to soap-opera-y.  The first few lines sound like they're straight out of 'The Bold and the Beautiful'.

As the other fine people have posted on this page, write more next time.  These are serious topics and deserve to be fleshed out.

I dunno... It was dull and drawn out.  Nothing seemed to work for me.  The pace, even for 5 pages, seemed to drag on and on; never reaching the stops on time.  Like, each page has certain things to accomplish and while you did accomplish them at some point in the script you just never did it on time.

I also don't think "Simple Minds" would be an ideal song to play at a ceremony such as this, but again... Stranger things have happened.  Could work, but it kind of lends credence to "DON'T NAME SONGS" in your scripts.  Another thing that didn't jive well with me was the wording

"They could do with a polish"

Maybe, perhaps ...

"They could go for a polish"  or  "They're due for a polish, that's for sure"

The dialog chains just seem lacking in soul.  Everyone talks and it all kind of feels the same.  The story has a destination, we just don't get there in time and when we do we question what else we missed along the way.

I do think you write very clear and distinct, though.  Very polished formating.

Hey Liam,

This was kind of so-so for me.  I think it was written nicely enough, but as some others have already pointed out, I think you need a bit more of a plot here to successfully pull off the ending.  

***SPOILERS***

I kind of suspected something was up when, on the first page, we are introduced to Joanna and Liam doesn't seem to be paying any atention to her.  He doesn't answer any of her questions.  

The other issue I had was that Liam and Simon seemed so blase about things as they are getting ready.  This is particularly true when we get to the ending.  I realize that you were going for a head fake here, but I think you need to find a way to make them a little more somber.

Anyway, it was a quick read and I think it has some potential, but as some others have said, I think you need to find a way to give this one a little more backstory.

Best of luck.

Craig

Liam,

Thanks for posting your short script.
I like the idea and your formatting skills are crisp and clear.
I didn't care for the twist at all. The title gives it away.

**SPOILERS**

At first I wasn't sure if it was a wedding or a funeral.
The dialog is so ambiguous I'm adrift in your story.
I understand why it's that way, to preserve the twist.
However, it comes at the expense of me caring about your characters.
Why not reveal the funeral right away? Joanna inspiring them to get ready.
"Come on now, no long faces, its a special day to honor those we love."
I much prefer to be brought into the fold than alienated for the sake of a twist.

A fine effort and I look forward to more your stuff. Cheers.

Regards,
E.D.