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That was an evil little story. Evil in a good way. I think you developed the story nicely. I think you could maybe trim in some places earlier on but otherwise it hit the right buttons at the right time. Well done.
That story wasn't too sh!tty at all. You definitely earned brownie points with it. There's a cr@p-load of errors in it, though. If you want the full poop on what to fix, I won't waste your time with too much feculance. Drop in, will ya?
Chris will be around Ray. He's been a member for a long time and while he might not have shown up much after you turned up...he was around quite a bit before that.
Before I get to your comments, I want to give a little background on this script, as the concept has been in my head for the past two years, and I feel it’s owed at least a few words of commentary. (For those lurkers who read the comments before the script, please do not read any further if you have not already read it.)
This was originally written as an unpublished short story called “Droppings.” It was a very different story then, very tongue-in-cheek, almost to the point of straight satire, but the concept was generally the same.
In the original, a man gives his dog a pill to treat coprophagia. They go for a walk. The dog relieves himself. And just as the dog leans in to eat it, the shit bites back. Literally.
I shopped the story around, and nobody wanted it, not even the really underground magazines. I think the idea worked, but the execution didn’t. For this reason alone, and despite the many rejections I received the first time, I felt encouraged to try writing it again. I guess I can be pretty damn stubborn.
When I ultimately decided to turn this into a short script, I opted to take it a little more serious, but still keep the tongue-in-cheek undertone. I took out the carnivorous shit and exchanged it for something a little more psychological (although I have to admit the temptation was there to just rewrite the original -- who wouldn’t want to see a pile of shit with teeth?).
Looking back, it seems like entirely too much creative energy went into this story.
I don’t know if the story works or is even slightly interesting -- it nearly defies genre classification -- but I hope it does what I originally set out to do: create a story that's as twisted and fun as it is completely revolting.
Oh, and if anyone has a suggestion for a logline, I’m more than willing to hear it. The one I have now is basically me saying, “I don’t have a clue how to sum this up.” So if you’ve got one, throw it at me and we’ll see if it sticks.
Quoted from mcornetto
Hey Chris,
That was an evil little story. Evil in a good way. I think you developed the story nicely. I think you could maybe trim in some places earlier on but otherwise it hit the right buttons at the right time. Well done.
Thanks for reading, Michael! I appreciate your comments. If there's anything you'd like me to read for you, please let me know.
That story wasn't too sh!tty at all. You definitely earned brownie points with it. There's a cr@p-load of errors in it, though. If you want the full poop on what to fix, I won't waste your time with too much feculance. Drop in, will ya?
RayW, you are awesome.
Yep, I'm definitely here and more than willing to hear all of your comments (I expected there to be a few errors, but hopefully they didn't stink up the whole script).
Dr. Williamson reaches around and opens a cabinet. He retrieves a stark white medicine bottle and turns back to Jeff. We can figure that he reached for it. We can figure that he would have possibly opened the cabinet. Stark? Doesn't matter. White's white unless you're picking paper samples for stationary. Pretty sure Doc would turn back to Jeff rather than Buddy. Consolidate to: Dr. Williamson retrieves a white medicine bottle from a cabinet.
Economization is a hard lesson for me to learn. Still working on it, in fact.
DR. WILLIAMSON This isn’t an unusual case of coprophagia, but I’m going to recommend something a little unorthodox. I get beaned a lot on my vocab, which amazes me for an industry replete with English majors, so I already know 'coprophagia' is going to require Doc giving Jeff a brief layman's def of the word. For both the reader and audience's sake.
DR. WILLIAMSON I think both of you are perfect candidates. That was my headzup that Doc was up to something sh!tty.
A dog dish sits on the counter. Jeff stands in front of it, holding the bottle of Merdapin. He unscrews the lid, removes the large cotton ball from inside, and looks at the pills. He shakes one out, examines it, and places it in the dog dish. He sets it on the floor. Gotta hit your 'Enter" button pretty much after each sentence. There's a bunch of "white-space-a-holics" around here. They can't handle reading all that type without getting their eyes all choked up (as I roll mine).
First, consolidate. Second, break it up.
Jeff stands in front of a dog dish on the counter.
He unscrews the the bottle of Merdapin, shakes one out and examines it.
He places it in the dog dish then sets it on the floor.
Buddy has defecated on the grass. No need to underline anything in the action lines. Underlining is pretty much just for accenting a word or two of dialog requiring emphasis.
Throughout the story are lines like: Jeff removes a baggy from his pocket, positions it over his hand, and bends down to clean it up. We know he has to position the bag[gie] over the his hand. We know he has to bend down to pick up the poop. Economize down to: Jeff pulls a bag from a pocket and cleans it up. or: With a bag from his pocket, Jeff cleans it up.
Pg 5 phone conversation should probably have a few... ellipses in there to... denote conversational... pauses.
Jeff has just gotten out of the shower. He buttons up his shirt and suddenly freezes. He looks down. Then up. Shirt's not relevant. Buttoning's not relevant. Avoid 'modifying adverbs'.
Jeff dries off from a shower then freezes.
or, if you insist: Jeff steps from the shower
MOMENTS LATER
He freezes as he buttons his shirt.
He looks down then up.
Enough with the nit-picking!
- How does Rachel know those are cr@p bags scattered across the lawn in the morning?
- Rachel needs to quickly apologize for her runny nose issue and openly state she's trying a new decongestant that isn't working. Otherwise, WTH she's constantly doing is odd and the readers are often too stupid/lazy to figure out these things.
- The page 9 wine chug thing is weird and not relevant. No pay off in it's action. Story moves along just fine without it.
Inside the refrigerator is the missing Piggly Wiggly bag MISSING bag? WhenTH did he ever put it in there? Just after the page 7 observation the bag is nowhere to be seen (and if Rach has seen plenty of them scattered across the yard, why does Jeff zero in on the one bag's absence?) have him remark and mutter something about it. A viewing audience is unlikely to note the absence of the Piggly Wiggly bag amidst household garbage strewn across a yard.
Pg 10 - Is Buddy the only dog in the neighborhood? Can't be. Doc's feeding his Somali Sh!t Gobbling pills to everyone with a dog or cat, right? And even then, he's only giving these to people with sh!t eating critters. Everyone with a compelling taste for dog sh!t obviously has their own dog or cat. WhyTH are they in Jeff's back yard?
Pg 11 - Rach can't dry heave, she's got beans to toss. Green beans.
Pg 12 - She doesn’t move as they close in and circle around her. WTH? Why doesn't Rach run from the sh!t-zombies?
- No rational guesstimation why Mrs. Carmichael would return in three weeks when Doc's got the whole hood eating dog poop. Surely the media will pick up on this soon, go national in a few days. Three weeks (with or without an explanation) won't do Doc any good with whatever cockamamie plan he has cooking.
Amusingly goofy story though. It inspired me to try one where a couple unabashedly share a mutual love and appreciation for consuming each other's feces. The audience should wretch. BOB What is this? Peanuts? And corn?!
JANE It's sweet corn, Baby. Happy Valentine's Day!
The subject itself - coprophagic dog - is promising. I really liked the beginning of it. But I did not understand why he was affected by the dog's medicine. He didn't try it. Maybe I missed something? I actually checked.
In the end it's all about the doctor - I like that too but I do suggest that he has a reason for it. --which is easy, he needs his practice going - this is implied but I somehow want to hear him making evil plans. Maybe if you have a little more of him in the beginning...
So mainly it's the middle part that doesn't work for me. Unless I'm missing something.
Congrats on putting together a rather unusual short script. Your subject matter makes this stand out from the crowd. I don't feel the execution capitalized on an interesting premise. I like the opening with the doctor and exposition, solid start. In the end, it felt like a zombie flick with poo subbing in for gore. Which is okay, but doesn't really do your good idea much justice. The mid section here is pretty pudgy, long action chains and the date. Jeff goes through several instances of the effects, but takes up a lot of pages for it. You could montage a percentage of this and use that space to expand your story.
We spend a lot of time with the date for a small pay off that could be any woman. Not to mention, the end doesn't make much sense. Is the condition contagious? I was disappointed by dovetailing the neat premise into an "outbreak" ending.
With such an stand out idea, you can go in some equally stand out directions... Keep playing that humans carrying out dog behavior trend, it's strong. How you say? Perhaps a trip for Buddy to the local dog park. A casual chat about dogs with a group of neighborhood guys... The "condition" their dogs have comes up...a night of poker between the guys... Guys playing poker = dogs playing poker cheesy velvet art satire. And then, the "menacing dogs" terrorizing trash is revealed! Our dog park poker playing buddies go on a "bender" in the neighborhood. This grouping is much more interesting than the zombie horde scenario. And it's also plausible in a wicked subversive social commentary sort of way.
To me, something like that is the kind of fun you can have with this idea. You've got the satire, "guys night out" twisty fun, the werewolf like amnesia about it. There's a bunch of ways you can capitalize on your neat idea. As it stands, it's a decent effort, but there's so much room to play with this one.
Thanks for posting and keep writing and rewriting!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Dr. Williamson reaches around and opens a cabinet. He retrieves a stark white medicine bottle and turns back to Jeff. We can figure that he reached for it. We can figure that he would have possibly opened the cabinet. Stark? Doesn't matter. White's white unless you're picking paper samples for stationary. Pretty sure Doc would turn back to Jeff rather than Buddy. Consolidate to: Dr. Williamson retrieves a white medicine bottle from a cabinet.
Economization is a hard lesson for me to learn. Still working on it, in fact.
A dog dish sits on the counter. Jeff stands in front of it, holding the bottle of Merdapin. He unscrews the lid, removes the large cotton ball from inside, and looks at the pills. He shakes one out, examines it, and places it in the dog dish. He sets it on the floor. Gotta hit your 'Enter" button pretty much after each sentence. There's a bunch of "white-space-a-holics" around here. They can't handle reading all that type without getting their eyes all choked up (as I roll mine).
First, consolidate. Second, break it up.
Jeff stands in front of a dog dish on the counter.
He unscrews the the bottle of Merdapin, shakes one out and examines it.
He places it in the dog dish then sets it on the floor.
Throughout the story are lines like: Jeff removes a baggy from his pocket, positions it over his hand, and bends down to clean it up. We know he has to position the bag[gie] over the his hand. We know he has to bend down to pick up the poop. Economize down to: Jeff pulls a bag from a pocket and cleans it up. or: With a bag from his pocket, Jeff cleans it up.
Jeff has just gotten out of the shower. He buttons up his shirt and suddenly freezes. He looks down. Then up. Shirt's not relevant. Buttoning's not relevant. Avoid 'modifying adverbs'.
Jeff dries off from a shower then freezes.
or, if you insist: Jeff steps from the shower
MOMENTS LATER
He freezes as he buttons his shirt.
He looks down then up.
Thanks for these, Ray. I guess I've been writing so many short stories lately, I forget how stripped down screenwriting can be. I'll go back and narrow it down some.
DR. WILLIAMSON This isn’t an unusual case of coprophagia, but I’m going to recommend something a little unorthodox. I get beaned a lot on my vocab, which amazes me for an industry replete with English majors, so I already know 'coprophagia' is going to require Doc giving Jeff a brief layman's def of the word. For both the reader and audience's sake.
This was tricky for me. I didn't want the vet to blatantly say "Coprophagia is when you eat shit" or something on-the-nose like that. I assume, and hope, most of my readers are smart enough to connect the lines "Dogs eat their own feces for a number of reasons" and "this isn't an unusual case of coprophagia." If the majority of my readers end up having an issue with it, I'll gladly go back to fix it.
- How does Rachel know those are cr@p bags scattered across the lawn in the morning?
She doesn't. At this point in the script, she has absolutely no clue what has been going on with Jeff or his dog. The line she says ("Eating crap out of the trash?") is something many people would say casually about a pet, and Jeff (and readers) only take it seriously because that's literally the case.
- Rachel needs to quickly apologize for her runny nose issue and openly state she's trying a new decongestant that isn't working. Otherwise, WTH she's constantly doing is odd and the readers are often too stupid/lazy to figure out these things.
I'll take a look at it. Don't forget her nasally voice is one of the first things you learn about her, so being sick and congested could be somewhat commonplace for her. Jeff could be used to it by now. Again, I'll take a look at it.
- The page 9 wine chug thing is weird and not relevant. No pay off in it's action. Story moves along just fine without it.
I can see what you're saying, and you're right to an extent. No, it doesn't need to be there.
My reason for Jeff chugging the wine at this point in the story is because he smells the shit (either the fresh pile outside, or the Piggly Wiggly bag in the refrigerator). He's confused and nervous, and he downs the wine to get a clear head.
I'll read it over a few times and see if I can find another way for him to smoothly transition from the table to the refrigerator.
Inside the refrigerator is the missing Piggly Wiggly bag MISSING bag? WhenTH did he ever put it in there?
In the middle of the night. He dug through his trash, pulled out the bag of shit, stuck it in the refrigerator, and went back to bed. He has no memory of any of it because the scent of the shit gives you a sort of "out of body" experience.
Just after the page 7 observation the bag is nowhere to be seen (and if Rach has seen plenty of them scattered across the yard, why does Jeff zero in on the one bag's absence?) have him remark and mutter something about it. A viewing audience is unlikely to note the absence of the Piggly Wiggly bag amidst household garbage strewn across a yard.
I get what you're saying.
Keep in mind, there's only one bag of shit in the story. The rest of the trash is just that -- trash. When Rachel says "I saw a bunch of it scattered across your lawn this morning," she's not referring to bags of shit. She's just talking about garbage.
Pg 10 - Is Buddy the only dog in the neighborhood? Can't be. Doc's feeding his Somali Sh!t Gobbling pills to everyone with a dog or cat, right? And even then, he's only giving these to people with sh!t eating critters. Everyone with a compelling taste for dog sh!t obviously has their own dog or cat.
Buddy is not the only dog in the neighborhood. But other dogs don't really matter, as it's highly unlikely they all have the same vet anyway.
Dr. Williamson doesn't give the Merdapin to anyone and everyone. There's a line in the story where Rachel says to Jeff, "If I recall, his last checkup wasn’t so harmless. You said he bit the guy, right?"
Later, in the epilogue, the Jack Russell Terrier bites Dr. Williamson, and Mrs. Carmichael angrily storms out of the vet's office. Dr. Williamson looks at the box of arriving Merdapin and says, "She'll come back. We'll be ready when she does." This is supposed to indicate an emerging pattern of who gets the pills and why.
Because they smell the shit, plain and simple. It's appetizing to them. The whole concept of this script is that the dog pills have the adverse effect on humans. The shit smells horrible to dogs and so good to humans, and the only reason Rachel doesn't go bat-shit, white-eyed crazy is because she's so congested.
- No rational guesstimation why Mrs. Carmichael would return in three weeks when Doc's got the whole hood eating dog poop.
Simply because he wants her to come back. Dr. Williamson could have his receptionist call her on the phone and offer something free to her, and Mrs. Carmichael -- being the type of person she is -- would hurry back like nothing ever happened.
Surely the media will pick up on this soon, go national in a few days. Three weeks (with or without an explanation) won't do Doc any good with whatever cockamamie plan he has cooking.
This was tough. I had an idea in mind where the receptionist at the end is reading a newspaper that says, "NEIGHBORHOOD DOGS KILL NURSE, NEIGHBORS SAY." Which would not only account for what happens to Rachel, but also what the neighbors did when they finally snapped out of it. I mean, really, how do you tell the police you accidentally killed your neighbor while trying to eat the shit on her arm? I think you'd avoid admitting it and just make up a story.
Amusingly goofy story though. It inspired me to try one where a couple unabashedly share a mutual love and appreciation for consuming each other's feces. The audience should wretch. BOB What is this? Peanuts? And corn?!
JANE It's sweet corn, Baby. Happy Valentine's Day!
BOB Aww... you're so good to me.
JANE Nothing butt the best for you, Baby!
BLECHT! I'm making myself sick. LOL!
Thanks so much, Ray! I'm glad you liked it for the most part. I really appreciate your thorough feedback and will definitely use it in my next revision.
The subject itself - coprophagic dog - is promising. I really liked the beginning of it. But I did not understand why he was affected by the dog's medicine. He didn't try it. Maybe I missed something? I actually checked.
There is no clear reason why he is affected by the medicine. Only that the pills make the dog shit repel dogs and entice humans.
In the end it's all about the doctor - I like that too but I do suggest that he has a reason for it. --which is easy, he needs his practice going - this is implied but I somehow want to hear him making evil plans. Maybe if you have a little more of him in the beginning...
So mainly it's the middle part that doesn't work for me. Unless I'm missing something.
I would definitely glance through the response I wrote to RayW. Hopefully it can give you a better understanding of the story.
Just wanted to chime in here and say I thought you explained coprophagia quite well without giving an on the nose explanation. Also, I did not have any trouble following what was happening and I did not have to reread to figure it out. I do agree about the tissue being a bit weird but I did get it, though I do think you could probably just flat out say what's up with her to make it clearer. And I do agree that the actions could use some trimming.
Nice, nasty little story here. I quite enjoyed it. Like Cornetto, I got what happened from the first read. I think you could trim some of your action as well. I agree with Ray that that block should be broken up a bit. Needs some spaces.
I would have liked a bit of foreshadowing from the vet in the beginning. Or actually show Buddy bite him, then Dr. Williamson gives Jeff a scalding for not handling his dog. He is very sinister after all.
Rachel's nose thing could be better if, when offered red wine, she says "I don't care, I can't taste anything anyways. "
All in all good short. When I read the logline, I had to read this. Where's Screenrider? He'd absolutely love this!
Congrats on putting together a rather unusual short script. Your subject matter makes this stand out from the crowd. I don't feel the execution capitalized on an interesting premise.
Glad to hear you like the idea. I thought I was going crazy when I first thought of it and actually got excited. I swear, I feel like I could use this script as an application to a mental hospital.
Sorry to hear you didn't like the execution as much as the story.
We spend a lot of time with the date for a small pay off that could be any woman. Not to mention, the end doesn't make much sense. Is the condition contagious? I was disappointed by dovetailing the neat premise into an "outbreak" ending.
I would definitely refer to the response I gave RayW.
The entire concept of the script is this: after the dog takes the pills, the smell of its shit repels the dog and entices humans. That's why everyone in the neighborhood loses it at the end. They all smell the shit (except Rachel, who can't breathe out of her nose), and they're all fighting over it.
It seems like half of my readers are "getting it 100%" and the other half aren't. I can't decide if it's because of my writing (which I admit is blocky, but hopefully clear) or if it's because my readers are just going through the script too quickly. I'm hoping the latter, but if it's a problem on my end, I definitely want to work on it and am open to suggestions.
With such an stand out idea, you can go in some equally stand out directions... Keep playing that humans carrying out dog behavior trend, it's strong. How you say? Perhaps a trip for Buddy to the local dog park. A casual chat about dogs with a group of neighborhood guys... The "condition" their dogs have comes up...a night of poker between the guys... Guys playing poker = dogs playing poker cheesy velvet art satire. And then, the "menacing dogs" terrorizing trash is revealed! Our dog park poker playing buddies go on a "bender" in the neighborhood. This grouping is much more interesting than the zombie horde scenario. And it's also plausible in a wicked subversive social commentary sort of way.
Some really good ideas there, E.D. Thanks for the suggestions and feedback! I appreciate it!
I would have liked a bit of foreshadowing from the vet in the beginning. Or actually show Buddy bite him, then Dr. Williamson gives Jeff a scalding for not handling his dog. He is very sinister after all.
Good suggestion, but I prefer Dr. Williamson being a more "reserved" kind of evil. The kind of guy who smiles rather than fumes. I find that more unsettling for some reason. The foreshadowing thing I can definitely work on, though. I'll think about it.
The entire concept of the script is this: after the dog takes the pills, the smell of its shit repels the dog and entices humans. That's why everyone in the neighborhood loses it at the end. They all smell the shit (except Rachel, who can't breathe out of her nose), and they're all fighting over it.
It seems like half of my readers are "getting it 100%" and the other half aren't. I can't decide if it's because of my writing (which I admit is blocky, but hopefully clear) or if it's because my readers are just going through the script too quickly. I'm hoping the latter, but if it's a problem on my end, I definitely want to work on it and am open to suggestions.
Ahhh, I totally miss that part. To me it seemed as if others in the neighborhood had been treating their dog, I didn't get that it was an area of affect thing. I think you could have some fun with the dog park scenarip I mentioned. To me, that makes a whole lot more sense and has lots of reversal type mischief. The people are "sniffing" each other as well at the dog park. Through that they can identify the others that are "on the pill". Still, it's a pretty stand out story as it lays. I did not skim the story, I read it straight through.
Good luck with your writing and rewriting! I'm down for a second draft of this one.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
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