Mother's Day by Martin Cox (Chelsea) - Short, Crime, Drama - This year, Ruby makes sure that Mother's Day comes twice. 12 pages - pdf, format

Martin,

You must cringe when i'm the first to read your scripts. This one was good. I think this has the highest potential of being filmed as far as any of yours I've read.

Writing was good as always. I didn't like the third man at the end. I was kind of hoping the flashback was all made up. That Lenny would tell it as he envisioned it in his mind. Ruby fed him this story. Then it comes to be that he's the one having a hit put out on him and the whole story is bullshit. Jay walks away.

Very good characterization, which I've always thought was a strong point for you. Overall, good show. Keep on writing good man, You'll see your stuff on film soon. You may not like the result, but it will be there.

James

Hey     Martin.

James and I must be following each other around today.

Mother’s Day just in time for the holiday.

I liked this but...  now for a contrarian view.

It’s a familiar scene, two men on a park bench not aware of nothing else with little action (except for the flashback). A third man comes out of nowhere at the end and provides a foreshadowed event. Actually, the reveal was nicely setup. I was half expecting Ruby to be there.

Your dialogue was on the nose or cliche in several areas playing to stereotypes with Jay and Gina. Try and say these things differently. “Beat it old man”,“I can smell her on you” are examples. Sometimes borderline cliche is ok as the best way to cleanly get your point across. You can decide.

Word selection was odd in places. Lycra-bound, pouts, voyeurism are ones that come to mind. I did learn that gawp is the same as gawk. No big deal.

The story could have begun with Jay soaking it up on the bench. The couple of lines of location setting was not needed in the  opening. It just seems easier.

I think Jay should have been shown as fidgety from the start. Soak implies a calm man.

The line on pg 3 “why are you doing this?” set off my radar that something wasn’t right. Hit man don’t care, do they?  

For a WTF? ending, maybe the third guy arrives second.

Overall, I liked the story but it’s a pencil in need of sharpening.

        

Gary                    

Hey James.

You know me very well....yup I do cringe a little.

But when the review is good I puff up my pecs and strut around like a bantam cock!

(I'm strutting right now!)

Thanks as always for your support, comments and motivation.

Believe it or not, I was thinking about Ruby feeding Lenny the story but decided that I wanted a character who played no part in the piece to have a very profound effect on two men's (and two women's for that matter) lives. I'll take another look to see if it'd work better the other way.

Once again James, thanks. Your input is always appreciated.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Gary.

Thanks for the read and comments.

Glad you liked the reveal. I thought long and hard on that one.

Yeah I guess some of the dialog could be OTN but Jay and Gina are kind of stereotypical and I've heard woman actually say the line "I can smell her on you" to some of my buddies. (Well at least one).

As you say sometimes borderline cliche is okay...but I need to take a good look at it as I hate taking the easy route.

I know that some of my word selection is a little 'flowery' and that the first couple of lines are not entirely necessary but I like reading scripts with good visuals and I enjoy writing them.

Self indulgent? Guilty as charged but sometimes self indulgence can be good for the soul.

I'll look at bringing in the third guy earlier and believe me my sharpener is out and ready for action!

Again, much appreciated Gary...Thanks man.

Best

Martin.

Hey Martin,

Thought I'd give this one a look see, good to see you writing more.
I like the plot you weave and I agree this could be a turnkey production.
I think it would play out better if we knew who was lying to whom.
Replay that flashback, but now Gina and Jay are in "cahoots".
Gina gets a cut for playing along and then it's a triple cross of sorts.
They share a nod then both dial phone numbers to set Lenny into motion.
Because I'm a bit unsure how it actually happened, my enjoyment is diminished some.
You do play out some domestic cliches here, but its mostly in the flashback.
That actually makes sense, since to me it seems, it was mostly an act.
I agree that Lenny's on the nose dialogue makes him look weak at times.
But I suppose it also works since he's being duped.
Good work, I look forward to seeing where you take this story.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Martin,

I'm sorry, I just wasn't feeling this one.  First off, formatting-wise, I didn't have any problems with your dialogue, but I did have problems with your descriptions.  A lot of them were either awkward or overly wordy.  Normally I don't have a problem with asides to the audience, but here it was just taking up space.

Examples:

Park heaven.
-An unnecessary aside.

Chiselled features, slicked-back blond hair, knockoff Oakley shades, he chews gum feverishly
-I know you can sometimes do fragments in screenwriting, but this doesn't read well.

Beauty, pride and self esteem, all now in ’park’ maybe in’reverse’, waits
-Confusing.

Maternal? Craving physical attention? A human shield?  Three in one
-Not needed.  Show us this, don't tell us.

----

Aside from the description, I didn't really like any of the characters.  They were all pretty despicable people, which I guess was the point.

And I agree with E.D; it became overly confusing at one point and by the time Jay pulled the gun, I had pretty much checked out.  I think you just tried to do way too much with too little time, trying to cram in as many twists as you could.  In the end, I'll take a really good twist over several confusing ones.

So yeah, I'd focus on making this less confusing, and working on your descriptions.  I don't know what you can really do about the characters.

-Matt

Hey Bret.

Thanks for the read (again).

Yeah I know there are a number of domestic cliches here but Gina and Jay a stereotypes (God I moved to Vegas 12 years ago and they reign supreme there!).

With Lenny, I wanted to show that although he still thinks he's Public Enemy Number One, he's lost the plot...even with Ruby...poor lamb! And hopefully the reader finds a little compassion for him.

I'm glad you enjoyed it overall and I'm attending to your PM. I'll be finished in the next couple of days.

Thanks for the honor and for your time and comments on this one.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Matt.

Thanks for reading and I'm sorry you disliked it.

I have a style that is...well, it's me. I'm happy and have fun writing this way. I guess it's all subjective, like I love The Beatles but hate Yellow Submarine.

Never mind. I hope you'll read my next one and enjoy it.

And I really am grateful for your time and comments.

Best.

Martin.