The Realization of Michael Jones by Jeffrey M. B. Hibbard - Short, Drama - Michael Jones has everything he could ever have wanted until life got in the way and broke him down to wit's end. Michael soon realizes the choice will make may not end up being a good one… 28 pages - pdf, format

Hi Jeff
I feel hypocritical to say this, considering my formatting is not great, but your format is off.  You may want to check out some screenwriting software.  This is a fairly long short so getting the formatting right will help this get read.

That said, formatting alone is not enough to stop me from checking out a script.  However the way you seemed to shift between present and past tenses in within a single block of action did stop me in my tracks.  Stick to present tense, whether it's a flashback or not.  

I did finish the script, but i think the best piece of advice i can give at this point is to check out a couple scripts on this site, learn the formatting and give it a rewrite.

Leon

  

Hey Leon,

  That's quite okay, thank you so much for your input on the format. I did however took that into consideration and went ahead to re-format it and it looks so much better so now I know what you're talking about. I will repost it soon for you and others to review it and hopefully get better praise for it.

I do however have a question about what you thought about the story itself rather than the format since it's already done. What's your input there? Just so I know and that qay I can make some changes to correct the mistakes before I dare repost a new copy.

Thanks,

Jeffrey

Jeffrey, Whatever it is you think you have written here, it is not a screenplay. A screenplay is a blueprint for making a film and it must only tell what can be seen and heard on screen.

'smell of beer...stinks up the room'. If you were filming this, how would you go about that? Sure, we have 'empty bottles and cans' so we can assume that there is a smell of alcohol but you can not film it.

Then, the way you describe a scene needs to be accurate to help get across just what you have in mind. You put the empty bottles and cans 'lay lifeless'. What does that mean? We already have 'empty'; 'lifeless' adds nothing helpful here and belongs more to poetry or postmodern literature than screenwriting.

You ask for input on the story. To read closely thirty pages and hope for input is a big ask when it is obvious that you have not bothered to read for yourself even the most basic guides on your chosen subject. Try some reviewing yourself and see.

I really do wish you all the best in your future writing as does, I'm sure, everyone else on this forum. And I do look forward to reviewing the results of your informed labours. By the way, I'm a rank beginner also. We both have much to learn.