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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Flicker of Hope Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Flicker of Hope  (currently 542 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2011, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Flicker of Hope by Larry A. Jaggard - Short, Drama -  Normally uncooperative nursing home employees must band together in order to save the life of one of the home's residents during a storm that was not forecasted. 9 pages - pdf, format


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rc1107
Posted: May 25th, 2011, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey Larry.

The logline is what drew me into this one.  Excellent logline in my opinion, although you could probably drop the word 'normally' and it might read even a little bit better.

The story for this one was good, uplifting.  I like stories that come together like that and give a positive energy.

However, during a lot of it, and I'm talking mainly about the dialogue here, it comes off a little bit stale and forced, and characters are saying things that no one would actually say in real life.  It's very easy to tell that they're just speaking to move the story along, and it takes the natural feel out of it.

I don't know if you're on the boards and reading this or not, but if you need a couple of examples of what I'm talking about, just let me know and I'll point them out for you.

Other than that, you have a pretty feel-good story here.  Just work out the dialogue so it's not so on-the-nose and it'll make the story all that much better.

- Mark


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