Hi Christiaan
I have a lot to say about this one. I want to start off by saying that I really liked the idea behind the script. You told a great story very well, indeed
I think it does need some work on the smaller things, if you want to get this script perfect. There are a few typos and there are some things that did annoy me (Which I am about to go into).
I agree with justwrite with the logline. It doesn't match the script that you showcased...
At one stage in your script, you say "Pain is visible through Peter's facial features..." Great! You know your character's emotions! Personally, however, I'd rather that you specify HOW the pain is showing on Peter's face. Pain is an abstract noun, which means the only way of showing us this is through the characters expressions or reactions.
You have a tendency to use on the nose dialogue such as "A good doctor wouldn't let this happen..." or "Don't give up hope." Try to stay away from those.
Your excess use of parentheses is annoying, sorry to say. It distracts your audience from the conversation, breaking any flow you might have developed. Only use a parenthetical when absolutely necessary.
You also have a nasty habit of telling rather than showing. I'm assuming you know what this means.
On page 43 you have a chess game going on, which is fine. You don't need to show us every move that the characters are doing, though.
On page 74: "He takes a sip, it is still too hot" - How do we know the coffee is hot? Show Edward's reaction to the hot coffee instead.
Page 76: "A faint smile betrays Kate. " - What does that mean?
Page 92: You are overly descriptive of the board game. We don't need to know what's happening outside the conversation.
Page 93: "Edward gives him a pat on the shoulder. Peter shakes at the sudden jolt." - If it was just a pat, Peter wouldn't have jolted... Just saying.
The dialogue between Kate and Peter when they first meet each other again is terribly cliche, sorry to say. You might want to have a look at that.
Page 97: "He is clearly angry and yelling something at Kate." - I love the use of a flashback here and I think it's incredibly effective. Having said that, I think this scene could be more effective if we could hear what Peter is saying/shouting.
On Page 99, Kate says "I haven't been happy since she died." - I'm not sure if you intended for it, but it sounds like Kate was happy when her mother died...
Page 101 I actually laughed out loud the way Trent dropped the adoption on the two girls. It just seemed like such a random way to say it.
Page 113: "Kate's face is filled with mixed emotions" - I've heard of feeling mixed emotions before, but how can you possibly show that on screen?
I hope you took all of that as constructive criticism. I really did enjoy this script. If you are hanging around somewhere on these forums, feel free to pm me with any questions that you may have.
Keep up the writing!
Daniel