The Horrors of Babysitting by Brandon Batista (ectoplasm) - Short, Horror - When slacker babysitter Abby gets stuck looking after six year old Valerie, she realizes just how much babysitting bites. 10 pages - pdf, format

Brandon,

How do we know what Jennifer looks like?  We've never seen her.  As that kitchen scene is written, you can't get away with that.  All that banter between her and Abby, too be honest, most if it belongs on the cutting room floor.

What makes this piece stand out from any other vampire tale..?  You didn't bring anything new to the table.  Predictable from start to finish.   Maybe that's what you wanted, oh well...

Needless to say, "The Horrors of Babysitting" didn't do much for me.  But this is JMHO, others may like this a lot.

Good Luck

Ghostie

Hey, Brandon

I couldn't fault this one in terms of formatting or grammar.

Overall, a very quick and easy read.

Good job!  

Daniel

Hey thanks for checking this one out guys, to answer your questions ghost...

1. I just plain old don't like describing characters in script form to be honest with you, If someone produces, I'd like there to be no restraints to what this person has to look like, to let the character speak for itself.

2. I made the conversation to get a better grip on the kind of person Abby is.

3. Yeah, it's more of a fun little vamp story I figured could be done for cheap, nothing more, nothing less.

Aside from the Goosebumpy vibe I'm getting from the name, it's doable -- But I'd still change it.

Cut Mr. Kelson saying thank you.  It's just a back and forth, I get my turn talking spree -- enough is enough on page one.  Let the wife say "Thanks, we will."  and end it.

No need for a full scene slug if your scene, which clearly hasn't, ended.

INT. KITCHEN

or

KITCHEN

Would both suffice here... no need for continuous as we know it's a transitional thing.  One room to the next.  Not one room, an hour later, to the next.


PAge 6 was redundant.  Really?  Do you need that kind of in your face banter?  I think not.  Do away with it.

You also missed an opportunity to at least have Abby try and tell them about the bottle incident, but they cut her off or something -- I'd have done something like that than to waste time with your "Bye" "Bye" "Bye" "ok, bye" banter.

An awkward, too un-balanced pace on page 7... It just doesn't seem like it would work well on film here.  There needed to be more of a tension filled build up to this bit.

Again, don't need any of the long drawn out headers you got.

Never put a (BEAT) inside an action.  Waste of space.

The last part loses it on me... totally.  The end dialogue, no.  Cut it.  Just have her hold her neck and lay back down with a sigh of relief.

Overall, I see this working if it were longer and paced better.  I see it as a Tales from the Crypt episode.  It could work, but in the state that it's in -- I dunno?? I can't get totally into it, but I don't totally hate it.  I don't like Vampires much, but there is substance here.  

The twist isn't hanging me up because I didn't go in expecting one... If you were trying to have one, it failed.  Don't go with a twist, just go basic with it and tell a horror story since you're already on that path.

+ Some decent dialogue.  
+ Clear writing, aside from some quarks in your formatting.
+ Solid, yet familiar territory.
- Not paced well.
- Too much nonsense speak going on.  "Hi" "Bye" "No" "Yes".

I enjoyed it... but it could be much better with very little effort on your part moving forward.  

Hey Baltis, thanks a ton for your thoughts, they really help. As for the hi, bye, kinda stuff, I saw something awhile back how people in movies always awkwardly hang up without saying goodbye like normal people, so I was trying to avoid that type of thing.  

I thought is was a well told story.  Reads good and clean and at no point does it seem lost.  This would film easily.  When I got to the end I thought, "OH boy is he gonna get ripped for a 'The whole was a dream' story, but then you saved if with the holes in the neck.  Very nice!

Thanks, Steven, glad you liked it and I'll be sure to check your stuff out.

The only thing I have out there until the 7WC is the beginning of a rewrite: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1335931136/

I'd love to hear what you think.

Even though it needs work, this was a cute little short.

There is a lot of dialogue that could be cut out. Like when the parents are leaving. It could just be them saying that they would be home around eight.

You don't need to CAP Jennifer. She's on the phone and not there. We don't see her.
Her O.S. should be V.O. for her dialogue.

I'd like to see more and hear a lot less of her talking to her friend on the phone.

I'd also like to see the babysitter noticing little things about the kid and wondering if it's really what she sees. You know, what makes a vampire a vampire. Bad breath, no reflection in the mirror... stuff like that... then the fangs.

I have a similar script about a babysitter finding out she is babysitting for a family of devils, "Monster's Lullaby" is what mine is titled.

Anyway, I thought this was cute, just needs some tweaking.  

Cindy

Thanks, Cindy, those are some good suggestions and I'll be sure to keep them in mind.

Brandon, the good news is that this is much better than the last short I read of yours, but there are still many mistakes on display, that you should really address, understand, and fix going forward.

Your Slugs are very problematic.  Many of your full Slugs should be Mini's, meaning when the action moves from 1 room to another, all you need is the actual room they're now in.

For instance, on Page 6, you have, "Abby hangs up and steps into the..."  Your new Slug that follows should be a Mini - "LIVING ROOM".

Other times you didn't even use a new Slug when the action moved into a new room.  And, at other times, the action moved, but your Slug was given a line or 2 late.

Your opening Slug as well as some others are incorrect, as you're not being specific enough, when most of the time you are.  You need to be 100% consistent.

You've got a number of typos and grammar errors throughout.

Many of your passages aren't broken up properly.  Keep in mind that a passage should only contain a single thought or action - think of it as a shot - when the POV changes or a new camera location is required, use a new passage - it will give you nice white on the page and be an easier read as well.  And don't go over 4 lines.

Story-wise...well...didn't do much for me, sorry to say.  As others have noted, way too much dialogue that just isn't remotely necessary.  The long phone conversation doesn't do anything and Jennifer's inclusion in the script is a real head scratcher.  All this dialogue stuff takes away any tension you could have and should have been building.

When things get going, there is potential for tension, scares, and even "horror".  But it's not handled well.  It plays out with a teeny-bopper feel, and even though we've got a family of less than nice vampires, attacking a babysitter, it fails miserably in terms of providing any real terror or scares.

It's also extremely obvious very early on where this is going, and when that happens, either purposely or not, you have to deliver the goods for it to work.  You didn't and that's why for me, this didn't do much.

But,as I said, it definitely reads better than what I've seen from you in the past, so that's a step in the right direction.  I'd recommend proofing a little more and being very careful with your Slug use.

Hope this helps.

Thanks, Dream, I'm definitely gonna follow that mini slug format from now on. Glad you like it better than my other stuff. Sorry you didn't dig the story but thanks for giving it a chance regardless. You've given me a lot of helpful advice on all my work and I'll be sure to return the favor as best I can.

Hi Brandon. Initial thought - was it the intention of the parents to have the babysitter find out they were vamps? I'm guessing so, otherwise they might be the world's most indiscreet and shoddy vampires - what with leaving blood in the fridge and all.

Wasn't sure of the overall tone. Lines like 'This is so not worth the money' suggest comedy, yet there wasn't enough of this type of thing to qualify it for that, so I was left a little befuddled.

Other's have mentioned there's a lot of telephone dialogue that can be cut. I'd agree with that - and also that there is alot of room here for more creepy tension building.

Use all the above suggestions from the nice folk here and you could have something real nice on your hands. As it stands it seems a little thin. The 'twist' at the end seemed a bit of a cheap shot. I think I said the same thing about your zombie short. All shorts don't need to have a twist, and in this case I think this would help if it didn't.

Personally, I'd have the family drain all Abby's blood, then bottle it. Then they could wear her skin as clothing and hats.

Thanks for the read.  

Thanks, Basket, for the tone I was going for campy horror. As for the twist I don't put one in all of my shorts but here it felt like it fit. As for the parents wanting her to figure it out all along, not really, the only drink left was Veronica's so she wouldn't have drunken it anyway.