Visit by James S. Ryan (jryan) - Short, Drama, Family, Kids, Friendly Ghost Story - The night before his birthday, a boy is visited by the spirit of his unborn sister. 18 pages - pdf, format

I'm pretty sure that you are one of the perennial posters that never appears on the boards, so any feedback's likely to end up on some deaf ears.

Issues with the script are aplenty - but I'm happy to heave 'em up if you're around.

First of all, I'm a newb lolz... This is my first script, very first one. I wrote in word doc., used Tap key and saved as pdf. I have zero experience of writting script but I have read a few, though before I started writting it. Now I can't seem to stop, I do when I can and I hate it when I can't spare time to write. I'm working on the full version of this script and I want to finish it by fall before my school starts in Sept. I want to have this script done in a proper way like pro so, it could appear on the boards. When you have wrote something like that, you want it to be read so, you can get feedbacks. Correct me if I'm wrong, that's what we all feel.

I already knew there are plenty issues in it. Like I said, it's my very first script. Again, don't get me wrong, I love feedbacks. I'm all ears. In fact, I can't wait to hear(read) it(s). Please do so as you said. The more feedbacks, the better. I am thrilled.

Hey James,

Welcome to SS.

The way it works around here is that once you have reviewed other writers work then you will get reads, so if you would like to stick around and learn, like i do, then best start off with some reviews.

One other tip is to use the portal button at the top, in case you don't know, as this shows all the latest activity. What's being reviewed etc

If you would like to start with a script swap I have one called Inner Journey, on the portal, I would appreciate your thoughts. I will then return the read.

I opened your script and the first thing that jumped out at me was the CUT TO and instructions for camera. These are generally avoided in spec scripts. The camera directions,  I understand, come in more when going INTO production.

All the best.

To start off with the story is riddled with typos. You need to get in the habit(and I do too) of proofing your work before posting it.

All the camera actions and shots...maybe you've been reading shooting scripts instead of specs? My advice is to read a lot. Read here...there..wherever you can. I am saying this to myself also.

Characters--Not sure that I dig the intro of your characters. I don't really 'feel' for them at all.  I'd have liked to have at least seen the young boy intro'd before the night visit from Nathalie. You could've done it simply by using a scene with him and his pregnant mom....a touching scene so that we start off with a like or interest in your main character.

Story--I honestly like the story up through the middle where I stopped. It has potential. I like the idea of reincarnation, I'm not sure I would have used 'ghost' to describe Nathalie as it's so cliche' and as a reader, I'm tired of ghosts. But the story you're after here, is not bad.

I think first, if you are serious about giving this a go, I'd download Celtx, a free script writing software, I'd read some shorts in here, I'd get ready for a rewrite on this story right here and fix it--make it work and repost it.  

IMO it has potential. Best of luck and if/when you repost, I'll be glad to give it a read. Keep working and don't get discouraged. This is a great place to learn.

pale

Quoted from JR First of all, I'm a newb lolz...

Okay - I apologize for my numb-nuttedness.

I'd echo Reef Dreamer, but I'll also give a little feedback considering my display of foot 'n' mouth.

Hope you read some scripts up here as well though ...

Right. That read didn't take too long ...

I find it really difficult to get into any script story where there's bags of formatting issues - once they're ironed out - it's easier to read and the story can be tackled ... so I'm ignoring the story for now, and I hope you'll do a bit of a re-write format-wise.

Here's the bits that bugged me - but hopefully you'll get feedback from other too:

Interesting introduction - as an idea, but I got a little distracted by the CAPS - not sure what they were doing here, as if said with an (implied) emphasis - it doesn't really make sense ... but good to see you getting right to the heart of thing nice and early - that sometimes works really well in a short.

### From behind, a YOUNG GIRL, 13, shoeless, WHITE DRESS few inches above her knees -- Stands looking upwards at the window of the house.
-- Visually, I think this works quite well. My problems with it were:
1. From behind what? (I'm assuming the post box).
2. I'm a bit unsure about the CAPS on the white dress.
3. -- Stands, should be -- stands.
4. Irrelevant detail - does the dress HAVE to be inches above her knees, and do you HAVE to mention it? If it's superfluous, consider dropping it ('short white dress' is as good).

## CAMERA GLIDES TOWARD window -- passes the window glasses.
-- Camera directions are generally frowned up in spec scripts - it's good to try and do the same thing using a bit of creativity - again, if it's essential, then good, but maybe ask if there's another way to describe it without the camera directions.

## CUT TO BLACK SCREEN.
-- You have the above, but then follow it with another transition - I've not seen that before, and I'm not sure what it actually does to things.

## We see the ROOF of the house
-- 'We see' can divide opinion - most people are okay with one or two, so you've gone with your quota on the first page ...

## CAMERA MOVES down, we see a YOUNG BOY, DAVID, nine years
1. Camera directions again
2. We see, number three.
3. nine years, after using 13 for the age of the girl - consistency often gives the impression that you have a method of doing things, and therefore a knowledge of doing things - and it looks better.

So that's my take on it - if these things are cleared up, then you could have a good story on your hands.

Best of luck with it.

Consider it done. I mean, it's already done. Now do I have to request to remove the old one before reupload the new one or I can just upload it?

But I have it done before reading your post, Sicoll007. I haven't change the "few inches above knees" yet. But I will do it all one time for the next fedback(s). ANd to pale yellow, I have added the first scene as you've given me the thought. The birthday party scene. Also, I have taken off all the phrases that related to the shooting. I've wrote it in final draft demo. There are watermarks. SOrry, I can't afford the full version software yet.

Can't wait for the next feedback(s). Thanks!

Hey James

First off, welcome to SS. It's a great learning tool for scriptwriters so long as you keep contributing. Already, I've learned so much and I hope you find similar results.

I didn't really like this one, sorry to say, just because the story wasn't for me. That's not something you can control. Sometimes, your story will only work for different people.

It would be unfair to leave this without leaving my thoughts, so here they are...

Right from the start I noticed your use of camera directions, something I despise if I'm not the director. In terms of format, that was the only thing that didn't quite work for me, but different people have different tastes, I guess.

There were a few typos... Nothing that can't be eliminated in one go.

Overall, it was well-written, just the story wasn't for me.

Keep writing and posting and you're bound to learn heaps.

Daniel

Quoted from JR I've wrote it in final draft demo. There are watermarks. Sorry, I can't afford the full version software yet.

These are both good pieces of software that are free:

http://www.trelby.org/

https://www.celtx.com/app/studio.html#/downloadsTab

Thanks for the links.

Why is it so hard to remove and reupload the script, I wonder. Why it has to take days or so to do that? Anyway, I have just made correction to my script.

All camera instructions and transactions are gone.
Added David's birthday party scene at the beginning.
Removed and edited some non neccessary phrases.
changed and edited to some dialogs.
Established full 15 pages script.

Now you can enjoy reading it peaceful as a spec script. First, I need an answer for the removing and reuploading of script.

Hey James  

To re-upload a script just send in a new one and in the 'comments' section say that it is a re-write.

Daniel

I don't know if this is convenient, I have decided to cut out some scenes from the full version of this script. The below is a half of one scene that I cut because I thought It's too acessive.

--Sarah’s eyes close, mouth opens and gently moans as David’s body moving back and forth on top of her. Her both hands drag around feeling David’s chest and abs. Both of her legs over on both of his.

Both roll over again; Sarah backs on top of David. She bites her both lips but continues moaning. Both sweat like they just walk right out of the shower.

David’s hands on both of Sarah’s chest and her both hands on top of his. Her body dances around him, she moves back and forth, right and left, then she drops her both hands on the floor both sides of David but the body still moving to all directions.

David holds Sarah’s waist, pushes her up a little to stops her from moving, then she trembles as David shakes her from below. She looks at David and moans louder.

Thanks.

Ps, the full version of this script is about David's grown up. This script is only a flashback that David tells it to his girlfriend.

My tip is to read and review other scripts first !!

I killed David's parents in full version of this script. I feel like an asshole. Now I want to kill one of his friend so I can create a connection between David and those spirits but I can't come up with an idea. Lolz... my idea keeps jumping to the parts that I don't want them yet to happen.