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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Guitar Dances
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SimplyScripts
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Guitar Dances by Steve Burton (steveb) - Short, Drama - Beverly, a choreographer, observes Joe as a stranger with a walking disability and then discovers his musical talent which leads to mutual inspiration. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SimplyScripts  -  January 19th, 2017, 5:58pm
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justwrite
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Steve, I attempted to read a page or two.  What I can say as of now without saying anything else is, your format is way off.  I would like to recommend two things.

1.  Screenwriting software "it's free", called "Celtx".  It's what I'm using, and I have no real problems, or if you have the extra cash, go for the gold and purchase Final Draft, I hear it's the best.

2.  The Screenwriters Bible by David Trottier.  It was my first screenwriters book I purchased (from Amazon), and one of the best IMO for beginners.

I hope that helps,

Dawn  


"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
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irish eyes
Posted: December 29th, 2012, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Sorry Steveb

I have to agree with justwrite...

First off, you have to set the scene, describe what we 're looking at to give us a sense of your story.

INT.Day is not a slug.... IN where exactly... example INT. Beverly's Bedroom - DAY and then describe the bedroom.

BEVERLY, a young woman, and SAM, a young man... You gotta give better descriptions than this. Are they teenagers? twenties? maybe what do they wear? something about their character.

Also the dialogue is very on the nose and unrealistic and it also seems way off center.

Read a lot of scripts, maybe pick up a book or two. But don't stop writing.

Good luck

Mark


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Ledbetter
Posted: December 30th, 2012, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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One thing to add...

If you're using Celtx, PLEASE try TRELBY instead.

It's 10 times better than Celtx.

Trust me on this one. Try it!

http://www.trelby.org/

Shawn.....><
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PersisShanker
Posted: September 3rd, 2013, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Dear Steve,
Thanks for sharing an intimate part of your writing with the world. It isn't easy I must say. I read the script and far from the format, I felt the story didn't click somewhere.

I felt the first dialogue between Joe and Beverly wouldn't be dialogue one engages in after a moment of passion.

The poetic mode Beverly goes into is also not realistic. Not when Beverly wasn't established as a poetic person in some form or the other. Seems the drivel she spews after seeing Joe is too much, ya think?

The introductory conversation she has with Joe in the park also feels too easy. Are disabled musicians that friendly or is it just Joe?

The gist of the story is there, it's just that there needs to be a few scenes more to be included to tie the scene from where she first sees him on the street to where she actually converses with him at the park. Perhaps a conversation at the street itself - eye contact - maybe a greeting -perhaps she felt sorry that she turned back to give him a few bucks for his busking efforts....


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