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What You Give by Simon (simonconnolly) - Short - When his daughter and her boyfriend disappear after an argument at a dinner party, Frank McDonald looks for her as he wonders if it's a coincidence, or if his actions are to blame. 16 pages - pdf, format
Jordan- How could you tell this wasn't done in screenwriting software? I couldn't tell (but I'm so new that however you could tell didn't show up for me. And the first script I posted here was written in Word and converted to a PDF and in a dozen reviews, only one person caught something not aligned correctly in one place). That said, though, screenwriting software makes the process so much easier and faster that it is worth the time to write in with those programs anyway.
I also think there's a strong story here. I like what you're trying to do in setting up the ending. The story itself seems to jump around a little. That's OK, but here the relationships between some of the characters and what exactly they do kept making me think I missed something two or three pages before...like what Frank's job was and / or his connection to the cops? I kept re-reading thinking I missed something. I didn't.
Agreeing with Jordan- your dialogue works well. It's the strongest aspect of the script.
That along with the story itself gives this potential if this some of this is smoothed out a little.
EXT - RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT Quiet. A car drives along. It pulls into a cul-de-sac.
INSIDE
is FRANK. He parks his car into his driveway. He looks at his phone, hovers over the call button contemplating, decides against it.
…or something like that.
you need to CAPS SUSAN when you introduce her. Also, there is zero descriptions for Frank, Susan or Sarah. You don't need to go too in depth with this but you should a least give us something to work with.
It should read SUPER: 3 DAYS LATER on page 5
Dialogue is believable especially from Frank, he comes across as a typical hard-nose dick of a father lol. But I agree, maybe a tiny allusion to the fact that he is a cop earlier on.
On page 12 the riverbank scene & page 15 the coastline scene, you need to trim your action lines or at the very least split them into several paragraphs instead of one long block of writing. In fact most of your action line throughout could be trimmed down.
I like the story, theres definitely something here and with a bit of work it could be very good. I actually think you should think about omitting the Hitman's flashback scene or maybe cutting it down. You could maybe just show Hitman shooting blackmailer then have him look around to see Andy & Sarah. I don't think you need to show anymore than that.
Thanks for the feedback. Was going to start cracking on a 2nd draft but wanted to get some feedback first so I really appreciate you guys taking the time out to read it.
I did type this up on Celtx so not sure why there would be issues with the formatting, but I'll take another look at that. I'll also try cut down my action lines.
I was a little worried about the ending dragging out too much, and happy to get some outside opinions on that. I had considered leaving out the scene with the hitman but left it in because I thought it was the best way of showing people what Frank did but I may take another look at changing that later.
Also glad you mentioned Frank's job not being clear. While writing it I never really decided what his job was going to be and so just didn't mention it. I was thinking something along the lines of a judge, or maybe a detective. I didn't realise that it would be a big issue for people reading it, so I'll be sure to change that in the 2nd draft.
Thanks again for reading the script guys, and for the feedback which has been really helpful.
Regards, Simon
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot. The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, each prayer accepted and each wish resigned
Give FRANK an age and at least two adjectives for the briefest of description. I would do the same for any character that speaks.
The dialogue reads a little stilted so far, too mechanical, on-the-nose.
The prose could do with improvement. For example:
“INT. CAR – NIGHT
Frank pulls into his driveway and turns off his engine. He picks up his phone and stares at it. There is a number displayed on the screen. He hovers his finger over the call button. He takes a deep breath, shuts down his phone and gets out of the car.”
- This is typical of the piece’s prose, could be rewritten as:
“INT. CAR – NIGHT
Frank pulls into his driveway, cuts the engine. He grabs his PHONE, stares at it.
A NUMBER is displayed on the screen.
Frank’s finger hovers over the CALL BUTTON...a deep breath. He snaps the phone shut, exits the car.”
- Now this is purely a matter of style and everyone should only take elements of others’ they feel works right for them, this is merely a suggestion.
Even though my version takes up more space, it’s a faster read I reckon. The capitalisation is very much each to his own, some would disagree with their use but what I do stand behind is replacing “and” wherever possible with a comma while phrasing and pacing the sentence structure by beats of action. It helps them stick out more so the reader can glean the essential details more fluently and keep moving down the page.
Also, don’t have your blocks of prose exceeding four lines at a time, three if possible.
“Frank ignores Susan’s request and returns to his drink.”
- How can Frank ignore Susan’s request (which is to be nice to their daughter’s new boyfriend) when they haven’t even arrived yet. Makes no sense.
I’m liking Frank’s no nonsense attitude, his treatment of Andy/Andrew, he certainly doesn’t hold back.
FRANK You bring home a new guy every couple of months, I play nice and then you get rid of them and I don’t see the point anymore. Save me the effort and just wait until your engaged, I’ll meet him.
- This was a particularly gratifying put down.
FRANK What do you mean what? I’m not going to sit here and let my daughter marry some fucking poet.
- And this, Frank sounds like a man on edge, things on his mind perhaps...
SARAH No, you got drunk and insulted him.
- I know you have him make a drink when he enters the house but I didn’t presume he was drunk for the dinner scenes. Maybe include an indication in the prose that he’s after downing a few, drunken body language, slurring speech, etc.
A brief reference to Andy wouldn’t go amiss here either. After all, it’s about him yet we don’t get any gauge of his reaction to the situation.
To your credit though, the dialogue has improved considerably starting from the dinner scene onwards.
I can’t help wonder why Susan isn’t a little perturbed also at how Sarah and Andy have gotten engaged since they’ve just met Andy, shouldn’t she not be expressing some concern too? If not, shouldn’t Frank be questioning her nonchalance towards the news?
“Frank picks the lock to Sarah’s apartment and enters slowly.”
- That was easy.
“Frank enters the Garda station.”
- I take it your Irish then? You’re best off using “police” instead of “Garda” if you’re posting on here as you’ll just get asked the same question over and over. Not many Irish on the boards, unfortunately.
JIM It’s been a while, what bring you here?
- Should be “brings” instead of “bring”.
I have serious reservations about the plausibility of how readily Jim openly discusses police business with Frank like that and the handing over of the Andy’s I.D. Yes its Ireland, small town, everyone knows everyone and it seems like Frank and Jim are old acquaintances from their initial exchange but the flow of conversation from Frank explaining his worry regarding Sarah to Jim divulging all this information feels rushed and unrealistic.
“Jim hands Frank the I.D.”
- An insert to show Andy’s I.D. card might be apt here.
FRANK You mind if I talk to him?
JIM I don’t think that’s a good idea Frank.
FRANK Come on, just give me five minutes with him.
JIM I’ll give you two. Jim walks around and opens the door into the back. Frank enters.
- Again, this feels like very unorthodox police conduct.
FRANK It’s doesn’t matter who I am, just know I’m not a Garda.
- Should be “It” instead of “It’s” . FRANK We already know what you did. We found Andrew Mahon. You’re going to be in a lot of trouble unless you start cooperating with us. So I’m going to ask you one more time, where did you get it?
- I’m sorry, but who-the-fu?k does Frank think he is? Can just turn on the maverick, mean cop act like that? It’s comical to a degree which I don’t believe is the intention.
The Junkie spills his guts too easily I feel.
Whoa, that massive block of prose on page 11 needs to be split up big time! Also the slugline says “RIVERBANK” but the first sentence reads “Frank drives up to the coastline”
Where are the cops during all this?
FRANK There’s a picture of his at the end. Idiot left the envelope in my office himself so I got a picture of him from the cameras.
- That was stupid alright to the point of contrivance.
FRANK I don’t care, but make sure if can’t be traced back to me. I don’t want anyone digging so make sure nobody knows it’s a hit.
- Should be “It” instead of “if”.
HITMAN So if there are witnesses...
FRANK Take care of them.
- Bit of a giveaway here, I can see the ending coming.
HITMAN Well I better get ready. Always a pleasure.
- How many times has Frank dealt with this guy!?
Unfortunately things did end as I feared through an unlikely coincidence seemingly put in there just to make the story mechanics work, however, I don’t think it entirely does. I’ll give you credit for trying to insert a few twists, keep us guessing, the dialogue for some parts was funny and surprising dinner conversation) while for the most part felt very functional, expository and direct.
Some plot points within the story as I’ve highlighted in the page by page notes above were incredulous such as the scenes in the police station, the hitman/Blackmailer reveal and, in particular, the final sequence which hampered the overall effectiveness of the piece.
Don’t be discouraged though, keep at it, read as much scripts as you can. You’ve come to the right site.
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What You Give
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