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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Forever Felix Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 31st, 2013, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Forever Felix by Chidi Felix - Series - A lady who has a daughter from a previous relationship. She falls in love with another guy...a nice guy and tries to hide the daughter from the guy during the first four months. The guy proposes to her after four months of just knowing her. 55 pages - pdf, format


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Nomad
Posted: September 1st, 2013, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Chidi,

I'll comment on your logline and the first page because there are plenty of issues you need to address in those two things alone.

Logline:  
Predicate.  Is necessary for a sentence to be complete.  You have three sentences that should be one very small statement:  A woman tries to conceal the fact that she has a daughter from her fiance, after knowing him for only four months.

Something like that would work better.

Page 1:

  • Either have a title page, or don't.  Never put the title, author, contact information, and copyright at the top of your first page.
  • Your slugline is "INT. NIGHT CLUB___NIGHT", and then the very next thing in your action line is, "In a night club".  You already established that this takes place in a night club.  You might as well have said, INT. DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT ____NIGHT ___10:00pm ____22:00 hours.
  • Same thing with Adam getting the bartenders attention.
  • You don't give anyone an age.  Are they all 12?  87?  43?  Giving your characters an age is important.
  • I've never heard of anyone asking for a beer without the bartender asking them what kind.  That would be like going to a car dealership and telling them, "A car please".
  • Camera directions such as, ANGLE ON, aren't used unless they are absolutely necessary or you're directing the movie yourself.
  • Use an active voice because you should not be using a passive voice.
  • Only capitalize a characters name when they're first introduced.  Not every time you write their name.
  • Your dialogue doesn't sound natural.  A line like, "I must admit you are looking quite great and fit.", sounds like Google Translate didn't do its job.  A better line would be:  "You're pretty like my mom."  Actually, strike that.  There's a better line, but you'll have to come up with it.


That's all for now.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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ChiboyMuoneke
Posted: September 2nd, 2013, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Jordon, i am so glad you read it. Thanks a lot. Your suggestions are appreciated.  I am still trying hard to improve on my english. It is a second language to me.
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