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Pg. 1 "BACK ALLY" should be "BACK ALLEY". "Ally" is someone on your side. "Alley" is a back road.
Pg. 1 "...the nosey vibration" Noisy, perhaps?
Pg. 1 The opening paragraph is too novelistic and confusing. The slug says "BACK ALLY" [sic], yet you say we're at an abandoned shipping dock.
Pg. 1 You put in camera directions, which isn't a bad thing if you're directing this yourself. Most directors will decide what the camera is doing.
Pg. 1 You don't give an age for Jessup. He could be anywhere from 4 to 94.
Pg. 1 You use a passive voice instead of an active voice. "Occasionally checking his watch and glancing down the street." Should be written: Occasionally checks his watch and glances down the street. Plus how do we know Jessup is bald if he has a cap on?
Pg. 1 You use 14 characters to say that Kale is in his "early thirties" when you could just say he's "31" or "32". Personally, I know exactly how old my characters are. If a director wants to change their age, that's their prerogative.
Pg. 1 How do you show that Kale is a man of many vices? I understand that you're giving the reader a clue as to who Kale is, but as I watch this movie in my head, I picture a Lloyd Bridges from Airplane. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue"
That's enough for now. I'll wait for the writer to comment before I go any further.
While you have created quite a nice suspenseful story here, unfortunately for me, it kinda fell flat and bordered on the predictable side a little bit. Felt a bit rushed too. It is a revenge story using very underdeveloped characters. While I did get Kale's obvious motivation to seek revenge, I felt that I did not know much about him to aid in my sympathy with his quest. As well, the locating of the culprits felt quite rushed, and I felt there wasn't enough exposition to explain how he found them. I think this kind of story is meant for a bigger medium than a short film. I will leave it at that
Hey there! Don't have much more to say than I enjoyed your script! There are a few spelling errors here and there I would fix, though. It had kind of a Max Payne feel to me. Like to Kale had nothing but his vendetta; which I absolutely loved. I also think it could have been longer. I want to know the characters a bit better. Good work and good luck with this!