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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Heed The Slighted - OWC
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  Author    Heed The Slighted - OWC  (currently 2766 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Heed The Slighted by Nine - Horror - Sam was tired of following the Golden Rule. (PG) - pdf, format


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jayrex
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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This is different, not sure what to make of some parts.

I think you can easily chop 4 pages off and still maintain the essence of the story.

A lot of the chit-chat in the office can be cut.  I see the theme of light/fire going on a lot here.  It's good that you've got Sam to conduct his revenge as such on the drill day, something I've thought of before.  But it didn't feel like a complete resolution of a story.  I think there should be more contact with the people he doesn't like rather than the people that likes him.

All the best,


Javier



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jayrex  -  October 21st, 2013, 5:08pm
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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I got I to it this one! It has that offbeat, quirky feel to it, bordering on satire.

The action paragraps at the start ad a bit awkward but the dialogue flows, and the office exchanges were done well.

Yeah, so overall, good effort!



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Ryan1
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Carrie meets Office Space.  I like the idea of Sam giving his co-workers the full blast, but -- spoiler here -- didn't understand why he felt the need to kill himself.  Thought he had made some kind of connection with Julie.  Maybe he was so incensed by her engagement, it set him off.  But I never felt enough emotion from Sam to root for him in any way.  Also, I may have missed it, but who is Jan?  The name is mentioned twice, but I didn't get the reference.
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Carrie meets Office Space.  I like the idea of Sam giving his co-workers the full blast, but -- spoiler here -- didn't understand why he felt the need to kill himself.  Thought he had made some kind of connection with Julie.  Maybe he was so incensed by her engagement, it set him off.  But I never felt enough emotion from Sam to root for him in any way.  Also, I may have missed it, but who is Jan?  The name is mentioned twice, but I didn't get the reference.


RL,  I think the Jan is just a rhyme with hand, a bit of humour.  The author could be an Aussie perhaps as there was a well known ad on TV a few years back, and this lady is pissed off cos she didn't make the Yellow pages listing deadline. And she says 'Not happy, Jan'. It became quite popular and everyone said it, lol

You Seppos sometimes miss the joke, don't ya? Lol



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Ryan1
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, reread it and didn't realize that Sam actually overheard Ryan when he made the joke about Jan being the name of his right hand.  Kinda doubt the author's an Aussie, considering the Massachusetts address on the title page.  But thanks for the insight Stevie you feral root rat.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Very odd writing style here that sure doesn't work for me.

This is so overwritten, but not so much in terms of details (yes, it is overwritten with unnecessary details), but moreso based on "the voice" being used here.  Some may enjoy this, but I detest it, sorry to say.

Orphans, typos, poorly broken passages, too long passages, etc.  Not my cup of tea at all, sorry to say.  I'm out.

Congrats on completing a script for this OWC.

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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Heed the slighted

Logline - bit short, lacks bite, but at least it's not a load of waffle

I did laugh at the lack of name but the address is there

First line....'but wait'... Got me chuckling as well
Oh my giddy aunt you had me laughing.... 'We spread wide'  oh boy not sure I can take much more of this
Older... Than what? Is his the voice, then just say so

If you 'insert' you need to 'back to scene'

Finished

The end didn't quite work for me. He is bullied, feels remote but has a friend in Julie. He decides to kill them, and himself - not sure on that one - as revenge. What's up with his mother?

Why a fire at work? A few things left unresolved.

Grade d+/c-


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SilvaSly104
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting read. I am curious though what your logline means by "following the Golden Rule". The plot itself was quite interesting...but I do agree with some of the comments above that your descriptions could be parred down quite a bit. Nonetheless, it was an interesting direction you went with. Says quite a bit about Sam's character and his relationship with Julie. Script still needs work, but a decent read nonetheless
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RadioShea89
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SilvaSly104
Interesting read. I am curious though what your logline means by "following the Golden Rule". The plot itself was quite interesting...but I do agree with some of the comments above that your descriptions could be parred down quite a bit. Nonetheless, it was an interesting direction you went with. Says quite a bit about Sam's character and his relationship with Julie. Script still needs work, but a decent read nonetheless


Silva Sly - I believe the golden rule taught in many religions in some form or another is “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”.



“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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SAC
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This is obviously well written. Your action got a bit wordy but I stuck with it. And I liked your dialogue, especially the "goodnight, Jan" line. Your use of asides got a little annoying, as there were many of them, but some of them seemed to fit, actually.

However, I'll take a pass on this one regarding the challenge. No horror to be found here.

Congrats on entering, though!

Steve


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EWall433
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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The over abundance of asides really held me back here. It got to the point where it seemed like unfilmables were occurring on a paragraph by paragraph basis. I get that there’s having a ‘voice’, but this is too much by my estimation.

On a positive note a lot of your dialogue worked well. It was a breeze to read through compared to the action lines. I liked the idea of everyone ignoring the fire alarm because of the test notice. But even there, the significance of that is only stated in an unfilmable aside at the end. It would show up nowhere if filmed.

I don’t mean to sound too harsh, it was just a major hurdle for me.

Good luck going forward and congrats for completing the challenge.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
But wait, it’s not alone.


Wait...why not just write me five candles?


Quoted Text
"As..."


Okay. If nothing else, the As so-and-so does action thing is a bit too much. All you need is said character doing such action in the present tense, and other characters doing thier thing. Way too many "as's" It's pulling me out all too quickly.


Quoted Text
The room is dark compared to the rest of the building. Could
be the addition of the cheap blinds on a smaller window.


Overwritten.
Cheap blinds darken the room. or something to that effect.

How old is Amanda? (p6)


Quoted Text
A nearly 10" flame bursts upon the wick,
before retreating to its normal, tamer, 1" height


Now you tagged my number one pet peeve, and despite the inventiveness of this concept you have, I'll be darned if I let it slide. If you are going to write, STOP using shorthand, abbriviations and in the above quoted, write out the words instead of (shorthand) symbols. In this case, the word inch.


Quoted Text
but those, unwilling, victims on the upper floors find out
too late; this is not a test.


One too many commas and semi-colons. This causes pauses in the read- even if it is at the end - and it looks awkward.

I didn't hate this, it was fair. Should you keep it around and improve on it? Without question. But this screamed to be much better. Nice effort in a OWC though.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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RJ
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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There were parts of this I liked and parts I didn't. I agree with the others on the writing - it's good, but way overdone with asides.

This felt like a disturbing little tale you wanted to write about Sam and I liked that, and the revenge thing, but something in the story just felt off for me. Whether it was the killing himself or how magic tied into it, or maybe my expectations on witchcraft tying into it to make a bigger bang since Sam had obviously stated to the others that he was a warlock.

Plus when it comes down to it, this really didn't play out as a horror at all. The intent was there with the fire, but it never actually happened.

Good effort though.

Renee
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Neighbour
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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As said earlier, some of the writing in the beginning is a tad awkward and hard to read.

Only stopping my reading to make one comment: subconsciously twists her ring...This really irks me. It should be unconsciously. The word subconscious should basically never be used. (sorry Psychology major coming out in me)

Wow I thought the writing in this was excellent. This is definitely another contender. The writing got better as it went along. A lot of unfilmables, maybe a bit too much, but for the most part I thought they helped the flow and understanding of the story.

The ending was excellent. Mostly the ending and how the fire alarms tie in together make this a contender for me. This was great.


A bad writer, trying to become decent...

Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.

Practice will hopefully pay off for my writing.
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