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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Doorway To Hell - OWC
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  Author    The Doorway To Hell - OWC  (currently 2951 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Doorway To Hell by Fifteen - Horror - When a medium, who would rather be normal, is given the chance to expand her powers, she will bear the wight of the world in her decision to fight for good or evil. ( R ) - pdf, format


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Nomad
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know what to say about this one.

It was easy to read but the tone was all over the place.

::SPOILERS::
Rodney made is seem like a wholesome Disney movie until he turned out to be a bad guy who was bummed that he had to wait another year to slit a girls throat.
::END::

Everything seemed to be thrown together like there was a list of things the writer wanted to incorporate but didn't have the time to make it flow nicely.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this is quite different, huh?  I read the entire thing but I must have rolled my eyes at least 20 times over 10 pages and that's not a positive.

You have a typo in your logline and that's a big red flag waiving at us.  Your logline also has very little to do with this script, IMO.  But then again, I don't really know what all happened or why it happened.

Any time, and everytime a character says "ARGH", it's a problem...seriously, only pissers and pirate scripts/movies can get away with the dreaded and hilarious "ARGH".

I'm sorry, but this didn't work for me in any way, other than a few laughs, but it's also not terrible.  Your story is such a mishmash of nonsense and none of your characters are remotely realistic.  But everything is so whacky that I have to compliment your imagination and creativity.

Good job completing an OWC entry.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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"Hillary begins to leave, but the Old Lady grabs her arm.
"

Rather than she 'begins', replace with she 'makes'. Begins and Starts have little use in a screenplay, whenever you're going to use them ask yourself if necessary.


So why kill all the kids at the fair just to get to one woman? Also, if Rodney and Callum were setting her up all along, and she had no clue, it would have been terribly easy for either Rodney or Callum to trick her into going with him.


"Hillary tries not to open her eyes, but she can�t help it; a
white light in the distance draws her attention. She follows
it as it moves closer and closer until it�s right beside her.

Callum watches her every move with a callous smile.
"

Where is this light? One minute she closes her eyes then she opens them again, I assumed she was looking into a different plane, like a dream world. If so then it needs a scene heading. If she's looking in the same place and this light is coming, it doesn't really make much sense.


"As the white light becomes larger,
"

Messy. Perhaps: As the light intensifies... would be better?


"Rodney�s entire body begins to shimmer.
"

Why not instead, simply: Rodney's body shimmers.


"Callum watches as the
portal appears.
"

Should be 'a' portal, not 'the' portal.


I'm going to take this as though you are 15. If you are 15 this is a decent effort.

I don't see the point in Rodney being a ghost. I have no idea why they wanted to open a portal and let in evil. Even in Ghostbusters 2, the guy was doing it to let in his evil god. So his motive was that he worshipped the God. The guys in your script are doing it just because.

It lacks flow. The scenes do their job of intro'ing characters and various plot points, but they don't flow into each other. The old lady and the amethyst is extremely contrived. Nobody knows who she is, where she came from, nor where she went.

But still, if you're fifteen, then this is a decent effort and you're only going to get better as you age.

6.5/10 if you're 15, but a lowly 4 if you're not.
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RegularJohn
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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I would stay away from screenwriting tricks such as CLOSE ON and PULL BACK TO REVEAL.  Things like these destroy the illusion you're trying to build.  As a matter of fact, if you simply take them out you would pretty much have the same effect.

"Head job".  Never heard that one before.  Either way the sentence is passively written so you're going to want to keep it active.

Exclamation points represents SHOUTING!  I know every man would say no when their girlfriend asks if he want them to stop their head job but I doubt he would actually shout so save the exclamation points for situations that involve a real yell.

Dreamscale mentioned the "argh" part and I agree that it shouldn't go in anything other than pirate stories.  A curse word or some kind of visual sign of distress would work just as well.

Through to page 5.  Thus far this is reading more like a crack at comedy than horror.  It reads decently though with some grammatical errors but unfortunately the story is somewhat lacking.

Overall, I'm not really feeling this one.  The dialogue, especially from the cloaked figures, just read funny and too comical for a real horror.  It was almost like an attempt at a horror pisser which could work but I take the terms of the competition to heart and this just wasn't a solid piece.  Like Nomad, I got a funny vibe from Rodney which destroyed the horror aspect of your script.  I did like  the very end with Hillary trapped in her own eye but the part leading up to it was also a letdown.  One thing did stick out to me about them.  If they're as powerful as they say they are as a group of seven, I'm really wondering how Rodney died accidentally.  That would have been something to include in your story.

Well that's all I got.  Thank you for entering.

Johnny


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RJ
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry guys, I'm blowing my shit out of the water here, I really don't care if I'm in the running anymore or not. I had a great story mapped out in my head that i really didn't get across the way I'd wanted - except for the laughs - they were intented. Sorry And I know the logline sucks - as I said 5am - not such a good idea.

BUT...........to be insulted by someone who can't take critisism themselves - now that's a laugh. I dont mind being called amatuer. I don't mind if someone says they can't finish it or it 'wasn't their thing' or that it needs a hell of a lot of work - after all I'm still learning, but to be called 15 in the manor approached - Dustin, you can just crawl back to the hole you came from and stick that s**t up your royal f**king a** to compliment the stick that's already up there.

They say Jeff's harsh, but at least his critisism seems to have substance and he is approachable about it. I wouldn't approach Dustin because he's just flat out rude with nothing else to offer.

So, sorry peeps for the language and if I haven't gotten around to reading more, I was going to when I saw his response and I didn't think it was fair to judge others in the mood I was in. Usually I wouldn't let this stuff effect me, but I think it has because he is just such an a**hole and if people like him are going to be involved in the OWC, I think I no longer will be.

Renee

Oh, and Dustin - I will not be commenting on any other bulls**t comments that may be comming from you on this thread about it either, so good luck.

  
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NickSedario
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Relax, Renee.  I'm sure he didn't intentionally mean to insult you.   Although I'm convinced he might somehow be related to Simon Cowell.     In any event,  just take it like a grain of salt.

At least you had the courage to write and submit a script, which is more than I can say for me.

As for the  script...didn't really work for me either, but still.  Good effort.  It just needed to be fleshed out more.  Also, I would've liked to see a happier ending for poor Hillary.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Doorway...

Logline - a rather big and powerful one, perhaps didn't all the last part, but hey you're having a go

Word doc - not always a good sign. Traditionally scripts are only numbered from page 2, don't ask me why, just saying
Woman voice should be voice over VO if not on screen
Try and avoid terms like pull back, cut to , smash cut etc
But...good start, powerful, well done
Page one, a brutal killing and a woman going for it without the husband knowing - Ding dong, better than Jeff's first pages
My anniversary was on Sunday....sigh
Races inside, races to get dressed - useful to remember to vary the words used
Is rodney a real ghost, as he wears a mask this confuses - one to make sure you are very clear on, oh he is, he floats . What doesn't this script have?
Why p5 is the old woman VO
Young man would be off screen OS as he is present but not seen
Quite a tonal shift from the light hearted happy to lucky witch and her ...ghost....into skinned corpses
No...don't get that twist

Finished

To me that's two different scripts bolted together. Whilst  we needed a horror element to it the first half was more enjoyable an intriguing.

The second half just didn't work for me. No foreshadowing, I think, of the doom to follow, or the ghost's other side.

Got potential and I like good parts of it, but needs changing IMO

Grade....ooooh a tricky one. Parts were b-/c+ but then it drifted away so...

c-


Post edit - once again to prove I don't read others first I didn't see Renee comments. As said above I really liked parts of this.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RJ
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny, Silverback and Reef,

Thanks, although I do tend to think that Dustin does mean to insult as his comments always seem to be from above as if he is looking down on everyone. When he joined the site I was initially going to post something on one of his scripts (he is actually a pretty good writer), but then I saw things unravel after someone told him their thoughts and thought hell no - beware the 'wrath of Dustin'. But at this point stuff it -he has also posted on a few other entries now about the writers being children and I just think it's bad taste, specially with the very new writers - who may not be children, but just ametuers starting to learn.

And I am sorry If I have annoyed some people by revealing myself before the vote. Please dont vote for me, I don't want to 'win' the challenge. I believe the OWC's are a great idea to try to bang something out in a week and learn from it.

Also - to all new (and old) writers that may be scared that I will 'rip them a new one' if they comment on here - no, I will not. If you don't like it then say so freely, just please don't look down upon me and call me a child, as you can see, I don't take too kindly to it - specially when the person can't take critisism on his own scripts.

SILVERBACK - Damn, I would have liked to see what you can come up. I've like some of the previous things that I've read of yours.

REEF DREAMER -  Yep, agree with everything you are saying. As Jeff said earlier - bit of a mish mash of a story at the moment. Too many things I tried to incorporate into one.
Ooh, plus a quick Q: Is that why I couldn't figure out how to remove the 1 from the first page before converting it? It was always bugging me, cause I'm using Scriptsmart Gold and I have tried everything (I can think off) to remove the 1, but when I have - all of the numbers go. Maybe it's time to try Celtx?
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NickSedario
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RJ

SILVERBACK - Damn, I would have liked to see what you can come up. I've liked some of the previous things that I've read of yours.


Thanks.  I had a good idea for this OWC, but not enough zeal to bang it out.


Quoted from RJ

Maybe it's time to try Celtx?


Definitely.  You'll love it.
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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I've read about 25 scripts, and this is the first writer to succeed at giving the main character some personality. To get us to care what happens to them. This writer gets it. So far, 25 other writers don't, myself included.

There are many flaws in the actual execution of the story. And in the story itself.

Let me start with the fact that I hate when writers make the stakes some kind of weird end of the world scenario. It's too over the top.

And you don't need to do this! You made us care about the main character. How? She was giving her man head for their anniversary! And all jokes aside, that was brilliant! It really was. Please don't think I am trying to be a smarta$$, it is a really brilliant way of making us bond to that character. Not only because she is doing something to please someone else, and because we see she cares about her boyfriend...but because when he wakes up surprised, we almost get a sense of her vulnerability. That is the key to making her dimensional. And this vulnerability is confirmed by the list she keeps. This is a master stroke in story technique. It's probably the only important thing I've learned so far from the OWCs and I'm about half way through. Thank you for that.

Hillary always seemed alive on the page. More than any other OWC character I've met yet...and I've met a lot.

I thought the first page was very well done also.

The writing itself needs work...but that's ok. Keep working at it. Writing can be learned. Instinct for three dimensional character is much harder to gain.

The biggest problem was the over the top stuff: the fortune where the girl cuts the guy's penis off; the witch warning that the end is near and only she can stop it; and the whole portal thing.

Get rid of the over the top stuff. Stick to what you have real, real, real talent for: building dimensional characters. Make us care about them, then just put them in trouble. And you'll see people really respond to your work next time. That's my prediction, and I'm sticking to it!
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James McClung
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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- Slap a V.O. on this opening monologue and give this character a different, more inspired name. None of this WOMAN'S VOICE business.

- LOL at "head job." Fix, please.

pg. 3 - Think the physics of this ghost could be explained just a tad. Based on her walking through him, I'm picturing him as the see-through variety but another sentence or two might give a better idea.

pg. 5 - The old lady's prophecy is mad on the nose. I'd find a different way to relay this information or leave it be if it's to become apparent later. Also, what's up with the V.O.? Seems she's right there to say it herself.

- Man, this story escalates fast. Very jarring.

pg. 9 - On the nose once again.

Wasn't a fan of this one. I thought the opening was promising and the setup of the characters wasn't too bad. I do feel like one of the biggest problems though was an inconsistent tone. I was expecting something darker and more gruesome and indeed that comes back in the end but a lot of the script reads like something more safe and young adult. The tonal shifts are jarring as a result.

I also feel like the story meanders at times (two pages spent on carnival activities) and then rushes others, making everything feel even more jarring. The main story comes mostly from very hasty exposition and considering the time spent building up some of the elements earlier on, I'm wondering if the page limit wasn't an issue and everything had to be crammed in before hitting the dreaded 10.

That or perhaps the backstory is too big and leaves too much to be established in a 10-page script where other things need to be established as well.

The end result feels very disjointed and overblown. There were certain elements I liked (the opening and the ending among others) and I think with a more open page length, this could've been executed better. But as of now, it feels very strained and uneven.


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nawazm11
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Page 5 so far, the writing and dialogue aren’t terrible but they definitely don’t feel right. It’s hard to pinpoint it at the moment but a few moments really take you out of the read, like the random ghost popping up, the head job thing, the time jumps, the list goes on.

And the strange moments keep coming and coming, there doesn’t seem to be much flow or pace to the script, which is strange since we’ve got a very obvious goal going on here with her crossing things off the list. I’m not getting a horror vibe either.
Dialogue on page 9 doesn’t work at all, we’re basically being slapped across the face with exposition.

The ending isn’t the best way to end the script, sorry to say. Regardless of the fact that it’s a little comical and majorly cheesy, the audience can’t derive any sense of satisfaction from that. The script’s beats are also cheesy and feel sudden and a little comical. But there’s enough talent for me to finish the script so that can’t mean it’s all bad. You have potential but it’s not really shown in this script.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The doorway to hell

Hello.

Difficult. There was many good and some bad things for me.

I liked the start. It was a bit pathetic but also a very philosophical, serious scene. We start in the usual world, nice. The ghost comes through the wall. I can't really imagine that ghost not being funny like comic. Because there wasn't any ghost IMO shown seriously dangerous in movie history. These shiny -not there- thing is just too fictive for us as we take the situation serious.

So what I mean: It changes the mood in your script. It's just no clear impression concerning to the first scene. The ghost follows to the magic shop just to leave there. Ok.
I enjoyed the next parts and notices/feel better now about the fictive mood in that script. It's good established now. The light blizzards etc.

Just one line. "I’d say here kitty, kitty, but it’s so cliché. Don’t you think?"

Yes, I think so. Please let it be. In some scripts it doesn't mind me because of a little lower level. For you: No. Don't fit to your craft. It's not as clever as you think. Even the opposite.

The twist is good. You got also a nice heroes journey. I didn't get it with the to-do-list. I think it was a agreement with Hillary and Rodney. And the end. Well it was disturbing. I felt sad about her. What a sh... So you done this very good, if it touches me see her blind. Was it just her personal hell, to be blind in a room? Hmm. Interesting stuff at all. Good work

+ Would like to see what you would have made between first and last scene without irony, headjobs, ghosts and blizzards. Real deep and horrifying. I think it would be better...




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PrussianMosby  -  October 24th, 2013, 4:50pm
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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So what's up with the list?

Very cool beginning, and it ties in with the eyes.  So the eyes are not the doorway to the soul, but the gateway to hell!  Considering the title, I think your image of hell is eerie.  Alone in darkness.  I can see all the others in their own eyes, pleading for escape.  

But did she deserve her fate?  I think most would ask the same question if they wound up in that place, so I guess it's all subjective from there.

Writing was to the point and clear.  I'm not totally sure how it would comes across immature, it was solid IMO.  It did have some youthful settings, I don't know whatever.

"Yep, he’s gonna cheat on her and she’s gonna cut off his wiener,  but how do you tell somebody that?"  LOL!  Good one.  That works.

I thought the cloaks came out of nowhere, even though I knew they where coming.  Haha, consider me amazed and confused at the same time.

Good job!  Solid work.

Johnny
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