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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Samhain, Romanian Style - OWC
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  Author    Samhain, Romanian Style - OWC  (currently 8673 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Samhain, Romanian Style by Eleventy-One - Horror - An American foreign exchange student in Bulgaria learns firsthand that witches are real and Halloween isn't just for kids. (R ) - pdf, format


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big lew
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. I liked the world of the story - a Halloween ritual in Bulgaria. Much more interesting than in somebody's basement.

I wondered if there was any factual foundation for the Romanian Samhain ceremonies, and Google said, "yeah, man." So kudos to the writer for doing the research.

Excellent dialog, very good layering of the action, and while I anticipated some of the story turns, there were a few surprises that caught me at the end.

Nice work!
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah this was pretty cool! The author did some serious research and he handled the accents and East European feel pretty well.

Had a good flow to it, so well done!

One query? How did they know James had never a root? Lol



I gotta head to work guys so will read more tomorrow which will be Monday. If u want me to read a specific one anyone, just PM me, ok?



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Eoin
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Haven't read it as I'm just back from a night out (read a 'few' on board) but Samhain is a Gaelic word for Halloween and this set in Eastern Europe. Wondering how that all ties in. Anyway, minor quibble. Will read during the week, time permitting
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irish eyes
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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A Romanian Samhain... everybody steals from the Irish celts

This is my first read and I liked it, especially the nudity

It was well written from start to finish for me and pretty intriguing ending.

Well done for entering

Mark


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Samhain

Don't know why but I don't like this title

Logline. - actually better than I expected. See you switched from Bulgarian


Built like a line backer...I'm guessing American writer, I'm clever like that
What's type o 1 negative etc
Euro's rain -took me a while to get it, they're from the punters. Maybe one to make clear.

Finished

Tidy writing, decent pace. I would have a guess at the writer of this.

Was I hooked by the story? Well, yes and no. A mysterious new dancer, an invite to a Samhain party in Romania is all solid stuff.  

Not sure why the boy and the girl are in a bar like that, seemed a tad off for an exchange student, but then again.
I liked the fact they lure him to kill his girlfriend, but...I suppose I didn't feel too much. I hadn't connected with him, for some reason, so the what happens doesn't affect me. I'm cold like that!!

When you read better scripts I also expect more. More depth, more theme, more intrigue and in that regard it could be enhanced. If it is random, stress the random. If it is him for a specific reason give it theme.

Funnily enough, I could picture Gregor organising the student and joking they love it so much they often don't go back, a foreshadowing

Having said that, a solid entry.

Grade b-



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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Still picking the scripts from the bottom on up.

Page 1.   I've actually been to Sofia. Back in my wilder days when it was still communist.  

I would suggest calling the people from there with heavy accents, Bulgarians instead of foreigners. They are in their own country. James is the foreigner.

Page 2.   You seem to enjoy writing this…

Quit taking notes at page two. The writing is solid and and the story works. It took me awhile to realize James was a virgin. If he is, would he really go to a club like that? The dialogue was good, but on occasion, it felt like two different accents.

I don't really have much as far as suggestions go. I think it works as is.

Good job on a weeks worth.  


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khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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It feels like it could use another ending. Something should happen at the end - a twist maybe.

It's well written and was overall a good read. Though I think you could get into the story much later. I was on p6 when they all went to that Samhain party.

I think we need to see that James is a virgin from the very beginning. If you did point that out - then I'm sorry, I must have missed it.

Some matter-of-factly dialog can be cut, I think. (like "You like?" "I like"...)
Otherwise, it's good - bloody and scary.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Gosh, this is pretty enjoyable.  Great sentence structure, translates to some great visuals.  I loved when he pulled the machete out when he was drugged.

Dialogue was good too, felt like the real thing.  Good settings and slugs, not too much to complain 'bout over here.

Well ...the ending was pretty solid, but I didn't like how they used the camera to cover their butts.  Can't they just not give a crap?  Not to say I didn't like the camera, adds the weirdness and fun of it.

Great entry, so far this OWC is awesome.

Johnny

Oh yeah, good song selection on the Type-O, lol!
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, thank you, writer!  Another one that's an easy read and pretty much mistake free.

I like the settings but didn't care much for the main Protag, James - not much character to this character. The other characters were good, and dialogue was a strong point.

Nice twist with Rayna's downfall, and I like the video camera idea, but it seems a bit rushed here.

Seems like the writer may have run out of space or time, as the finale seems rushed and/or short, but the very end is rather wicked and cool in a sick way.

Easily one of the better entries.  Great job!
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Why why why would someone bring a real machete to a costume party?

Except that it happens to be convenient to the story. We need to allow stories some conveniences, I understand that, but people don't take machetes to costume parties. Especially virgins!

And then this virgin dude, who has shown up til now no reason for us to think he is in any way heroic, suddenly becomes a mighty demon killing warrior wielding a real machete...beheading demons no less!

I'm sorry, the Patriots just lost on a bad call, so I am perhaps being unkind.

The writing is fine. It was clear, easy to read. No problems there.

The dialogue...well, if this is a relatively new writer, you've done pretty well. If this is a veteran, I am disappointed.

And Samhain of course is Celtic. I think the Celts rolled through Romania maybe 3000 years ago, and there has been no sign of Celtic culture there since the Romans, Germanic tribes and Slavic people left their mark.

As OWCs go, it's a decent effort, the writer put in some time, thanks for that. Good luck!
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Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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This one is leading contender for Most Nudity prize.  Other than that, didn't care for it.  I saw all the "twists" coming up Main Street.  It instantly had a "Hostel" feel with the American student in Eastern Europe, which isn't bad, but hardly original.  The setup for the Samhain party took too long, IMO.  Felt like we should've been there by page 3 or earlier.  

The use of the subheadings was fine, but I think I would have bolded them to make them read easier.  Also, why go back to a full slug on page 3?  The dialogue was serviceable, nothing great.  The Romanian "missing words" accent got a little old, though.  

Didn't understand the line on page 6 where the cars in the lot vanish one by one?  Why, exactly?  James belting down the strange drink from some weirdo at a Romanian pagan party...great idea, bro.  This is again where the script had a rote feel to it.  It was obvious he was being set up from the get go.  Only thing that surprised me, and frankly stretched believability is that this guy is a virgin.  He's a linebacker, beer chuggin dude who ogles naked chicks in bars, has a steady Bulgarian girlfriend and brings freaking actual machetes to parties.  Not really clear how the witch knew this guy was a virgin, either.  Was hoping for some kind of wild twist at the end with some secret reveal about James, but didn't happen.  

For the most part, this was clearly written with only a couple typos, so at least it was a quick read.  

    
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NickSedario
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't really do anything for me.  And frankly I can't even tell you why.  It just didn't.   Sorry.   I didn't like the broken english I know that much.  
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stevemiles
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Well, I could certainly think of worse satanic rituals to find myself an unwilling part of...

Feels like a steady hand put this together and I appreciate the setting for something a little different.  Held my attention throughout and I enjoyed the build-up with its balance of sexual tension and menace -- you just know some-one’s wildest dreams are about to take a nasty turn.

Whilst nothing groundbreaking it’s certainly an enjoyable and functional story.  I can’t help but think there’s a slightly tongue in cheek tone to all this -- though in compliment to the story and not to its detraction.

I would have liked an idea of Jame’s fate beyond the all-nighter.  Think there would have been a extra sting in the tail were he to learn of some darker fate beyond doing his bit in the old man’s name...  

Wasn’t always buying the ‘accented’ dialogue, but it worked to separate the characters and imply a sense of setting.

That said Grigor’s dialogue on p.10 was a little OTT, at that point it seemed to be played for laughs.

p.6 -- the machete came out of nowhere.  Think that could be tweaked.

Overall I sat back and just enjoyed it for what it was.  Machetes and naked pagan weirdness.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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"JAMES
Dad, I've only known her a few months.
(beat)
The right girl? We'll see soon.
(beat)
I love you too. Talk soon." This is probably the worst way possible to show exposition.

"James, my favorite American exchange student." Did he just actually say that?

"He my handsome American man." lol

Machetes can't chop bones clean, can they?

Unintentionally funny, at least for me. Sorry, but I don't think this came across the way you wanted it to, even though it seems you did some research. The dialogue was just laughable and the accents made it worse. I'm not really sure how to respond really. The story was just outrageous to the point where I think that this might be a pisser. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me. I'm a bit surprised at the responses as well but everybody has different tastes.

Grade: D-
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