SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 2:47am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Murder of Crows Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Murder of Crows  (currently 6628 views)
Don
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 10:26am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Murder of Crows by Dustin Bowcott - Horror - A freelance wildlife photographer and her young son must fight to survive when their village is besieged by millions of flesh hungry crows. 99 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 7th, 2015, 5:01pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
NickSedario
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 10:56am Report to Moderator
Guest User






A nod to Hitchcock's 'The Birds".  Okay, that's cool.  But the title's been, the writing is dense and it's a 123 pager.   Not a good sign.   With as many scripts as you've banged out it seems you should know better by now.  Sorry to be harsh, but at a first glance, I don't think I'll be plodding through this script as of yet.

It's overwritten.  Needs work.  Hope this helps.  

On a positive note, using Celtix makes your script much easier on the eyes.   Good job on that.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



More a nod to du Maurier, although Hitchcock and McBain get a nod too.

I'm not sure what you mean by the title's been. I did an IMDB check on it and there is only one film with a similar name... A Murder of Crows. This script drops the 'A'... and there is nothing else that I could call this script. This script is far more deserving of the title than the 1998 film starring Cuba Gooding Jnr and Tom Berenger. I'm not sure what else I could have called this script. It screams to be called 'Murder of Crows'.

The writing looks dense because there isn't any dialogue for the first page and a half, there are also two tells on the first page... decadent, I know. 123 pages is maybe a few too many pages but this is a first draft so there will be doubtless things to cut should anyone be interested in making it. By first draft, I of course am referring simply to the first draft of a story that works and not the initial vomit draft.

Thanks for looking in though Silverback, if anything it's a reply.

Thanks for listing this script at your site, Don.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 28
NickSedario
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
Guest User







New title suggestion:  "Empire of the Crows"

This one's free of charge.  Next time I'll put it on your bill.      
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 28
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7959
Posts Per Day
1.36
I actually like the title. Caught my attention right away.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
NickSedario
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Grandma Bear
I actually like the title. Caught my attention right away.


It's been used; Murder of Crows/ "A" Murder of Crows, same thing.     C'mon!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 28
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7959
Posts Per Day
1.36
C'mon! What? The title caught my attention right away. I've never heard of the other 15 year old film that is about something completely different. Maybe there's a better title for this, but I don't like Empire of the Crows at all.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 28
NickSedario
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
Guest User






Empire of the Crows is an awesome title and you know it.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 28th, 2013, 2:52am Report to Moderator
Guest User



This script is actually kept in a folder called 'Old Crow'... as the original antagonist was a grey, aged crow and not a white one. So that was the original title. However, Murder of Crows is the most fitting title this script could have.

Here is a list of well-used film titles:

http://blogs.amctv.com/movie-blog/2009/11/the-box-now-an/
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 28
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: October 31st, 2013, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
92
Posts Per Day
0.02
Murder of Crows is good,  but if you call it "Murder Crows" I'll be compelled to read the whole script tonight just based in how awesome the title is. (Nice imagery on the opening by the way)
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 5:10am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat
Murder of Crows is good,  but if you call it "Murder Crows" I'll be compelled to read the whole script tonight just based in how awesome the title is. (Nice imagery on the opening by the way)


Thanks.

I think many writers these days are forgetting that it takes words to create good imagery.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 28
Nomad
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 11:13am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
721
Posts Per Day
0.15
Dustin,

A few thought as I go:


  • Pg. 1 - No "FADE IN:".  Personally this doesn't really bother me but I've heard it too many times from different people in various roles in the industry that it's needed.  So I put it just to make them happy.  If your intention was to jump straight to a shot of the town, then I'm on board.
  • Pg. 1 - Your first slugline is overwritten.  You don't need to say it's DUMAURIER because you state in your action lines that it's, "THE VILLAGE OF DUMAURIER". Your opening slug should just be, "EXT. VILLAGE - MORNING".  Stating that it's an establishing shot isn't necessary because...well...we know you're establishing where we are.  Unless you're writing this for a director and he needs to know that this is an establishing shot, it's not needed.
  • Pg. 1 - You state that part of the scene is, "Eastwind Wood".  How do I know what that is, or where it is, or what it looks like?  You could add another sign to the, "Welcome to the Village of Dumaurier" sign that points to the left and reads, "Eastwind Wood".  It's visual and kills two birds with one stone.  <--- Get it?  Two birds...one...never mind.
  • Pg. 1 - Look...I know what "cum" means.  But just to avoid any confusion, use "with".  You have the room on the line.  I'm not sure how many people know Latin phrases, but I'm sure there are more people who know slang for "sperm" or "ejaculate".
  • Pg. 1 - How do I know it's a church if it's nondescript?  How does it being nondescript make it inoffensive?  How do you SHOW that it's inoffensive?  I'm sure this will come into play later in the script, but right now, it's unfilmable and novelistic.
  • Pg. 1 - Your second slugline, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING" might be a bit too long.  Maybe.  I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah.  It's too long.  I'm guessing that there are other scenes that take place in the various parts of Daphne's house, but you could just write, "INT. BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING".  After Daphne leaves the shed and walks through her garden to her house, you can add those slugs into the script.  You don't need to be so specific with your slug.  Is the BACK GARDEN enclosed?  If it's not, then your slug goes from inside Daphne's house, to outside in the garden, back to inside the bird watching shed.
  • Pg. 1 - I looked up "wax jacket" and I found a bunch of stores selling "waxed jackets".  Maybe it's a cultural thing or maybe it's a typo.  Just wanted to point it out.
  • Pg. 1 - You use INSERT when it's a POV shot.  Insert is used when zooming in on an item.  POV is for looking through someone's eyes.
  • Pg. 1 - Daphne's a bird watcher.  She should already have a telephoto lens on her DSLR.  I'd remove the part about her changing the lens, and initially describe the DSLR as having a telephoto lens on it.
  • Pg. 2 - What does an 8 year old sound like when they wake?  How does it differ from a 9 year old or a 7 year old?  What does it sound like when said 8 year old heads to the bathroom?  How does it differ from heading to the kitchen or to the living room to watch TV?  This is too novelistic.
  • Pg. 2 - Daphne walks through the, "EXT. GARDEN" on her way to the house.  Is this the same as "BACK GARDEN"?  It reads like it is.  So your earlier slug is wrong.  You wouldn't say, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - MORNING"  You would need it to be EXT.
  • Pg. 2 - Describing Finlay as "intelligent" doesn't work.  Intelligence needs to be shown in actions or dialogue.  As it's written now, it's novelistic.
  • Pg. 3 - Finlay's line, "You warn me about lying with a lie.", shows intelligence.


That's enough for now.  I'd like to hear your thoughts on my comments.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Nomad
Dustin,

A few thought as I go:

[list]
[*]Pg. 1 - No "FADE IN:".  Personally this doesn't really bother me but I've heard it too many times from different people in various roles in the industry that it's needed.  So I put it just to make them happy.  If your intention was to jump straight to a shot of the town, then I'm on board.


Yeah very much so. I feel that FADE IN has now become outdated. So I've stopped using it. Producers don't care about that. Maybe in Hollywood they do but this script is for the British market.


Quoted from Nomad
[*]Pg. 1 - Your first slugline is overwritten.  You don't need to say it's DUMAURIER because you state in your action lines that it's, "THE VILLAGE OF DUMAURIER". Your opening slug should just be, "EXT. VILLAGE - MORNING".  Stating that it's an establishing shot isn't necessary because...well...we know you're establishing where we are.  Unless you're writing this for a director and he needs to know that this is an establishing shot, it's not needed.


Yeah thanks, I'll need to clean those up.


Quoted from Nomad
[*]Pg. 1 - You state that part of the scene is, "Eastwind Wood".  How do I know what that is, or where it is, or what it looks like?  You could add another sign to the, "Welcome to the Village of Dumaurier" sign that points to the left and reads, "Eastwind Wood".  It's visual and kills two birds with one stone.  <--- Get it?  Two birds...one...never mind.


Yeah good idea. Thanks for the tip.



Quoted from Nomad

[*]Pg. 1 - How do I know it's a church if it's nondescript?  How does it being nondescript make it inoffensive?  How do you SHOW that it's inoffensive?  I'm sure this will come into play later in the script, but right now, it's unfilmable and novelistic.


Nondescript means that it isn't distinctive. You can still tell that a nondescript church is a church. It's inoffensive by being nondescript. You're right though, they both kinds say the same thing. I like the slight novelistic approach and it's only in the establishing pages. This is fine in scripts... again, this isn't for Hollywood.


Quoted from Nomad
[*]Pg. 1 - Your second slugline, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING" might be a bit too long.  Maybe.  I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah.  It's too long.  I'm guessing that there are other scenes that take place in the various parts of Daphne's house, but you could just write, "INT. BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING".  After Daphne leaves the shed and walks through her garden to her house, you can add those slugs into the script.  You don't need to be so specific with your slug.  Is the BACK GARDEN enclosed?  If it's not, then your slug goes from inside Daphne's house, to outside in the garden, back to inside the bird watching shed.


Yeah, I agree, I need to make the slugs work better.

Quoted from Nomad

[*]Pg. 1 - I looked up "wax jacket" and I found a bunch of stores selling "waxed jackets".  Maybe it's a cultural thing or maybe it's a typo.  Just wanted to point it out.


No, not a typo. They're called both wax and waxed jackets in my country.

http://www.countryattire.com/b.....WcxLoCFS_KtAoda0UAmg


Quoted from Nomad
[*]Pg. 1 - You use INSERT when it's a POV shot.  Insert is used when zooming in on an item.  POV is for looking through someone's eyes.


I'll clean those up.



Quoted from Nomad
[*]Pg. 1 - Daphne's a bird watcher.  She should already have a telephoto lens on her DSLR.  I'd remove the part about her changing the lens, and initially describe the DSLR as having a telephoto lens on it.


Thanks for the information. I didn't consider that. I'll definitely use it.


Quoted from Nomad
[*]Pg. 2 - What does an 8 year old sound like when they wake?  How does it differ from a 9 year old or a 7 year old?  What does it sound like when said 8 year old heads to the bathroom?  How does it differ from heading to the kitchen or to the living room to watch TV?  This is too novelistic.


A three-year old would murmur or make other noises. I wanted to avoid any confusion.


Quoted from Nomad

[*]Pg. 2 - Describing Finlay as "intelligent" doesn't work.  Intelligence needs to be shown in actions or dialogue.  As it's written now, it's novelistic.
[*]Pg. 3 - Finlay's line, "You warn me about lying with a lie.", shows intelligence.



I believe that a little bit of tell in a character description is fine.

Thanks for your thoughts, Jordan, many of them have been very helpful.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 28
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
92
Posts Per Day
0.02
The first page or two were thick with action description, but other than that the script isn't overwritten in my opinion.

I know it's a stylistic transition to move from action into the slugging, but sometimes it works well, other times it feels awkward to me. I liked it when you had:

"...walking into the

HALLWAY

And opening the door"

But was thrown off when you say:

"Alan climbs into his

INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"

Page 8: crow " chicken curry". Hah, gross. I've heard of restaurants using rat meat too...

Page 20: dang, Veronica is mean!

Paused at page 30, but enjoying it so far. I'm planning a script called Fairy Swarm, so this is right up my alley so far.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 12th, 2013, 3:08am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat
The first page or two were thick with action description, but other than that the script isn't overwritten in my opinion.

I know it's a stylistic transition to move from action into the slugging, but sometimes it works well, other times it feels awkward to me. I liked it when you had:

"...walking into the

HALLWAY

And opening the door"

But was thrown off when you say:

"Alan climbs into his

INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"

Page 8: crow " chicken curry". Hah, gross. I've heard of restaurants using rat meat too...

Page 20: dang, Veronica is mean!

Paused at page 30, but enjoying it so far. I'm planning a script called Fairy Swarm, so this is right up my alley so far.


I think the reason my scripts are usually thick with action blocks in the first couple of pages is because I like to establish the scene well. Particularly as I usually make up my own world. Whether council estate or village, I've created a whole new place in my mind. I've actually drawn maps before with all the locations in them.

Yeah sometimes the transitions work well. I've thought the same thing though at times and like any other style choice I think we tend to over use them. Probably more out of being used to it than deliberate. I agree though, on another draft it would be worth ironing any of those out that don't look right.

Thanks for the read. I tried more character building in this horror and I'm not sure if it pays off that well as I've descended into comedy in a couple of places.

Not sure if you caught the references or not. The original short story, The Birds was written by Daphne du Maurier. Hence the Village name and the name of the protag. Eastwind Wood, because in the original short, the attacking birds were believed to have come from the East wind. Which is also believed to be a reference by du Maurier to the Russians and our fear of them at the time. Of course, the Hitch and Cock pub... but the protag's surname 'Hunter' is also the surname of the original screenwriter of the birds, Evan Hunter, aka Ed McBain. The Bodega too is in reference to Bodega Bay.

Daphne is very much based on a young Daphne du Maurier.

I'll have a look around for one of your scripts. Thanks mate.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006