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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Killing Cream Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 3rd, 2014, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Killing Cream by Kyle Smead - Short, Drama - Rafferty, a mid twenties business executive, drives to the red light district when he faces multiple identities of himself. 14 pages - pdf, format


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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 3rd, 2014, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Kyle,

I had some trouble staying with the story. I get the identity issues but the dialog seemed forced.  I'd cut some.  Zoned out a lot while reading.

Gl with the script,

Tony
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Alex_212
Posted: August 4th, 2014, 2:55am Report to Moderator
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Hello Kyle,

Managed to get through the 14 pages though it seemed as if I read 100. Sorry.

The dialogue does need work and feels unrealistic. The characters all blended in together and no separate personality stood out.

There needs to be more action lines that give us an image of what is happening as it did get very confusing at times. You do also put some
long descriptions in wrylies and these would be better done in action lines.

I also would not have known that it was one guy with different personalities if I hadn't read the logline? If that's what it is suppose to be ?? It did confuse me.

Also the payoff just didn't get me excited.

Good work at getting this completed and on a positive side, your formatting was good.

Regards Alex


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2014, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kyle,

That was a hard read and I'm not really sure what happened or why.

I do appreciate someone trying to make the dialogue a bit more entertaining, less on the nose and more interesting, as that is a particular sore note for me with scripts. However your characters have no character, there's no way to distinguish who is who. A good test is to read the dialogue out loud to someone without saying the names of who's talking, if the person can't tell who is who you know you need to work on them more. Give them a better description, give them traits, give them their own voice.

You also need decent action between the dialogue so we know what the characters are doing and why. I really don't know why the killing started and how! I don't get what Killing Cream has to do with the story but this could be because I skimmed through most of it and I missed the reference.

Wow - I just read the tagline. So this is one person? Now I'm really confused.

I take it you are a baseball fan? I'm not and it seemed that this script required some knowledge to identify with the banter. As it was, most of that was lost on me. The key here is to never really be so specific or to pick something so popular (hence the term pop culture reference) that most people will understand.

An interesting idea for sure but needs a lot of work to make it readable.

All the best

Mark


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KyleSmead
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback and reads.  Your advice and guidance is greatly appreciated and has led me to re-work the script from the logline out to the script.

Here is what I have:


Logline

While driving to the red light district, Rafferty, an upper 20's business executive, is unable to find what he wants in the opposite sex.

-- I have broken the characters down into short paragraph characterizations that I am considering placing just below the first action/description line.  My intention is to keep the script on a dark/black background, making it more of a theater script and less of a film script, thinking that all 13 pages take place inside and outside of a car. --

Beat Sheet remains with me to work the outline and script off of.


Treatment

Act 1

On a road in the blackness of night, Rafferty, a mid 20ís business executive drives to the red light district with sporty Sam, non caring Tom, and soft spoken Albert.  Sam kicks the conversation of the group off with competitive banter about work mergers that is quickly picked up and interpreted by Tom.  

Tom responds to the conversation with straightforward comments that soon escalate to women and sports.

Albert chimes in with statistical information about baseball players when Rafferty immediately begins to talk to himself in a narration that no one else can hear.

Act 2

Each member of the group makes separate decisions about women and what they are looking for while Rafferty decides to keep to himself, looks to the mirror with the group, and finds an argument with himself over what he wants.

The group continues to go back and forth about women when Rafferty drives the car over a curb.  Sam looks to Rafferty, jokingly brining affirmation, when Rafferty mistakes the conversation for something else.  

Rafferty slows down the car, Albert and the group continue to push Raffertyís buttons, and Sam prepares to go outside to help Rafferty with the car.  Sam inspires Albert to go outside with him, and together they are in awe of what is inside of Raffertyís trunk.  

Again, Rafferty speaks to himself in a narration that only he hears about Albert reaching his hands into the trunk.  He boasts about the rims on the spare tire and prepares to go to the front of the car.

Sam follows Rafferty, makes a comment about calling Triple A, and slides underneath the front end of the car.  Rafferty walks to the back of the car, speaks to Albert about him not doing anything and uses physical space to push Albert into the road where he is hit by a semi-tuck.

Rafferty walks back to the front of the car; Tom pokes his head out of the window making a comment about the timely manner of the car repairs.  Again, Rafferty speaks in a narration that only he can hear straight into Tomís face, then walks to the front end to confront Sam.

He tries telling a joke to Sam, Sam doesnít laugh, Rafferty deflates the car on top of Sam.

Act 3

Rafferty walks to Tom, the window is down, speaks to him about company and business ethics, and holds the tire iron over him before stabing him repeatedly.  Rafferty walks back to the rear end of the vehicle, cleans the tire iron, places it into the trunk, and gets into the driverís seat.

Rafferty reaches back to grab Tomís phone, makes a call to 911 asking for help.


I, Kyle Smead, acknowledge that I have written "Killing Cream" outside of the curriculum of the  university that I am currently attending, and ask, with the kindness of the industry, that the work in and around "Killing Cream", be treated as a separate body of work from the attending University.
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