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Cool short. I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. What is the connection to the cats?
There's something different about your writing this time. Sounds like your voice is coming through strong here, I like it. Keep up the good work, bro.
How you doing, bro? You make a couple interesting points. The cat connection is what the girl uses to find a little common ground with her attacker. In that brief moment she uses it to her advantage to escape. I don't think it goes any further than that really, no metaphors that I know of this time around.
This was actually written as an exercise, John. I hadn't completed anything in a while, and I gave myself a 30/40 minute window to complete a short. This is what came out. Certainly not great, but I'm glad you found positives... Thanks!
Not much to say here as itís only a scene. Technically, the writing is good, terse and direct.
I like how you start right in the middle of a tense situation with a panicked and scared Jessica hiding in the closet. It instantly grabs our attention. Straight away from the description of Carl, the comb over, the thick glasses you just knew he wasnít going to be a good guy (sorry to anyone who wears thick glasses ) he just had that pedophile look about him from the get-goÖand sure enough he was. Which isn't a criticism but more a compliment to good character description.
I liked the visual of Jessica stuffing the candle into his mouth, shocking and unexpected, sure to make anyone wince. In effect, their mutual love of felines gave her the opportunity to make her escape. Is this a celebration of cats? Although, this shows that both good and evil are attracted to them.
Personally I think these very short scripts only work if itís a self contained scene or a skit of some sort. Not when itís a situation that requires context, a before and after. Unfortunately, I think this belongs to the latter.
Sorry I canít offer much more except the usual: ďIíd like to see/know more.Ē There are the obvious questions too like how Jessica ended up in his house and who was that decomposing body on the bed which could be explored if you were to develop this further.
Personally I think these very short scripts only work if itís a self contained scene or a skit of some sort. Not when itís a situation that requires context, a before and after. Unfortunately, I think this belongs to the latter
Right on the nose, Col. If you read my earlier post, this was just an exercise for me so I never gave much thought to backstory as I knew it wouldn't be coming into play here. BTW, the decomposing body was intended to be his wife. I knew there wasn't much to this so I tried to give a genuinely creepy visual to give it a little "oomph."
This was straight to the point and easy to read. As I read this, all I saw was a sick twisted scene from a Rob Zombie movie. I also agree with Col, there is no need for a back story of any kind in this. Will this be extended anytime soon?
Hey Lee, Thanks for the read. I don't think this'll be extended. Although the story might warrant it, this was just an exercise for me. Haven't written anything in a while so I'm trying to ease myself back into it. Got a couple features to write.
Thanks for checking this out beforehand. What was it you said again when you first saw this? Umm, oh yeah... WTF, I think it was? I agree.
Well, I see. It's not a complete story. It reads as if you tried to practice how to focus pictures for building up tension within a dark scenario, a creepy mood? If so, it works.
Nevertheless, there was one single thing I noticed to perhaps think about - Jessica and Carl fought and all that... and suddenly Jenifer found that body on the bed. It's complicated to explain: I didn't see the bed before. It wasn't there until she grabbed for that bed post. Sure, it's dark, but a bed, that's quite a big object. So maybe you can learn something by thinking about this shot, maybe put some prose inside such as:
Jessica's small hand fumbles in the dark, grabs, something round and stable, a wooden post. The elongated silhouette of a bed stands out as she slowly rises up at its side. She wide eyed views down. A covered human body. .....Bla bla. You can write this much better than me Steven.
Let's compare the shot's "concept" to your original:
Jessica finds her feet. Grabs onto a bed post.
On the bed, covered with a blanket-- a human form
This reads very sudden to me, because I didn't know about any furniture in this room yet, then suddenly it goes very quick and there's an object which wasn't there for me at first. Sure I accept it and follow your story. Nevertheless I think that's when screenwriting becomes master class work. When we start to think how a visual works precisely over and over. Maybe there must be a hint that there's furniture, some objects which Jessica isn't able to focus at first because of the thrill with Carl.
Why can she suddenly see that creepy body clearly, you know what I mean? The scenario is established as dark.
I think it's a very precise call here. Maybe it's too pedantic, because aside from that you're able to force tension and the mood of scare perfectly here.
Thank you for the read! You make a very good point about fleshing out the scene, giving it some detail. Had I given myself more time on this (only 30-40 mins here) I most certainly would have gone into "detail" mode because I enjoy writing like that and I enjoy descriptive prose. That being said, lately I have gotten into the "less is more" circle, and I purposely try to give mostly a paper thin description while trying to set the scene and the visuals as well. I definitely see your point, and with more time I probably would've fleshed this out a tad more. I never gave myself that time, or even proper time for an edit or two. This kinda went up as is. But on other works I do go into more detail, though now I have to watch myself as I have been accused of other writing things here and there.
lately I have gotten into the "less is more" circle, and I purposely try to give mostly a paper thin description while trying to set the scene and the visuals as well.
Yes. You're absolutely correct. I think it is right to let pictures and meanings develop in the reader's head. I try to go that way too. Retrospectively my point about more prose description is wrong.
There must be another way to prevent my reader's view from that surprising change of the setting. Perhaps more precision within the earlier first establishment of the dark scenario concerning light and interior furnishings.