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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cats Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cats by Steven Clark - Short, Horror - A young girl averts tragedy when she finds a common link with her attacker. - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hey Steven,

Interesting death by candle... Lol. Just burn the murder weapon afterwards. Confused about the attacker. Was he made of wax? Nice and short,  to the point.

Tony
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Cool short. I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. What is the connection to the cats?

There's something different about your writing this time. Sounds like your voice is coming through strong here, I like it. Keep up the good work, bro.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tony
Hey Steven,

Interesting death by candle... Lol. Just burn the murder weapon afterwards. Confused about the attacker. Was he made of wax? Nice and short,  to the point.

Tony


Thanks for the read, Tony. Made of wax? I'm guessing that's a joke, but I'll answer it just in case it's not... No, he's not made of wax.

Tony, let me know if you have anything new posted. Would love to take a look.


Quoted from Johnny
Steve,

Cool short. I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. What is the connection to the cats?

There's something different about your writing this time. Sounds like your voice is coming through strong here, I like it. Keep up the good work, bro.


Johnny!

How you doing, bro?  You make a couple interesting points. The cat connection is what the girl uses to find a little common ground with her attacker. In that brief moment she uses it to her advantage to escape. I don't think it goes any further than that really, no metaphors that I know of this time around.

This was actually written as an exercise, John.  I hadn't completed anything in a while, and I gave myself a 30/40 minute window to complete a short. This is what came out. Certainly not great, but I'm glad you found positives... Thanks!

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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colkurtz8
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Steven

Not much to say here as itís only a scene. Technically, the writing is good, terse and direct.

I like how you start right in the middle of a tense situation with a panicked and scared Jessica hiding in the closet. It instantly grabs our attention. Straight away from the description of Carl, the comb over, the thick glasses you just knew he wasnít going to be a good guy (sorry to anyone who wears thick glasses ) he just had that pedophile look about him from the get-goÖand sure enough he was. Which isn't a criticism but more a compliment to good character description.

I liked the visual of Jessica stuffing the candle into his mouth, shocking and unexpected, sure to make anyone wince. In effect, their mutual love of felines gave her the opportunity to make her escape. Is this a celebration of cats? Although, this shows that both good and evil are attracted to them.

Personally I think these very short scripts only work if itís a self contained scene or a skit of some sort. Not when itís a situation that requires context, a before and after. Unfortunately, I think this belongs to the latter.

Sorry I canít offer much more except the usual: ďIíd like to see/know more.Ē There are the obvious questions too like how Jessica ended up in his house and who was that decomposing body on the bed which could be explored if you were to develop this further.

Best of luck

Col.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm with Col on this. It needs more, but written well for what it is.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Col and Dustin,

Thanks for the reads, guys!


Quoted from Col
Personally I think these very short scripts only work if itís a self contained scene or a skit of some sort. Not when itís a situation that requires context, a before and after. Unfortunately, I think this belongs to the latter
.

Right on the nose, Col. If you read my earlier post, this was just an exercise for me so I never gave much thought to backstory as I knew it wouldn't be coming into play here. BTW, the decomposing body was intended to be his wife. I knew there wasn't much to this so I tried to give a genuinely creepy visual to give it a little "oomph."

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 18th, 2014, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

This was straight to the point and easy to read.
As I read this, all I saw was a sick twisted scene from a Rob Zombie movie.
I also agree with Col, there is no need for a back story of any kind in this.
Will this be extended anytime soon?

Lee
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irish eyes
Posted: August 18th, 2014, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Steve

Another one from your twisted mind

You're missing a mini slug "Bedroom" otherwise everything is happening in the closet.
This was nicely wrote and the decomposing body added to the sickening tale.

Good job buddy

Mark


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StevenClark
Posted: August 19th, 2014, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Hey Lee,
Thanks for the read. I don't think this'll be extended. Although the story might warrant it, this was just an exercise for me. Haven't written anything in a while so I'm trying to ease myself back into it. Got a couple features to write.

Mark,

Thanks for checking this out beforehand. What was it you said again when you first saw this? Umm, oh yeah... WTF, I think it was? I agree.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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Ugo
Posted: August 24th, 2014, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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i liked it, carl was creepy.

i understand the fact that this is an exercise. i to do this myself. but . good read, easy to understand.

carl's dialogue is good. very creepy.

wish you the best



check out my scripts here....let me know what you think

https://www.dropbox.com/s/amkdn3svt5rernq/last%20hope.pdf?dl=0

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StevenClark
Posted: August 25th, 2014, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Ugo,

Thanks! Glad you liked it for what it is.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey , read this some days ago.

You said "this was just an exercise for me"

Well, I see. It's not a complete story. It reads as if you tried to practice how to focus pictures for building up tension within a dark scenario, a creepy mood?  If so, it works.

Nevertheless, there was one single thing I noticed to perhaps think about - Jessica and Carl fought and all that... and suddenly Jenifer found that body on the bed. It's complicated to explain: I didn't see the bed before. It wasn't there until she grabbed for that bed post. Sure, it's dark, but a bed, that's quite a big object.  So maybe you can learn something by thinking about this shot, maybe put some prose inside such as:

Jessica's small hand fumbles in the dark, grabs, something round and stable, a wooden post. The elongated silhouette of a bed stands out as she slowly rises up at its side. She wide eyed views down. A covered human body. .....Bla bla. You can write this much better than me Steven.

Let's compare the shot's "concept" to your original:

Jessica finds her feet. Grabs onto a bed post.

On the bed, covered with a blanket-- a human form

This reads very sudden to me, because I didn't know about any furniture in this room yet, then suddenly it goes very quick and there's an object which wasn't there for me at first. Sure I accept it and follow your story. Nevertheless I think that's when screenwriting becomes master class work. When we start to think how a visual works precisely over and over. Maybe there must be a hint that there's furniture, some objects which Jessica isn't able to focus at first because of the thrill with Carl.

Why can she suddenly see that creepy body clearly, you know what I mean? The scenario is established as dark.

I think it's a very precise call here. Maybe it's too pedantic, because aside from that you're able to force tension and the mood of scare perfectly here.


No End of Wolves†† (9p - psychological horror)

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StevenClark
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Alex,

Thank you for the read! You make a very good point about fleshing out the scene, giving it some detail. Had I given myself more time on this (only 30-40 mins here) I most certainly would have gone into "detail" mode because I enjoy writing like that and I enjoy descriptive prose. That being said, lately I have gotten into the "less is more" circle, and I purposely try to give mostly a paper thin description while trying to set the scene and the visuals as well. I definitely see your point, and with more time I probably would've fleshed this out a tad more. I never gave myself that time, or even proper time for an edit or two. This kinda went up as is. But on other works I do go into more detail, though now I have to watch myself as I have been accused of other writing things here and there.

Thanks again,

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
lately I have gotten into the "less is more" circle, and I purposely try to give mostly a paper thin description while trying to set the scene and the visuals as well.


Yes. You're absolutely correct. I think it is right to let pictures and meanings develop in the reader's head. I try to go that way too. Retrospectively my point about more prose description is wrong.

There must be another way to prevent my reader's view from that surprising change of the setting. Perhaps more precision within the earlier first establishment of the dark scenario concerning light and interior furnishings.

Best of luck with all your stuffs



No End of Wolves†† (9p - psychological horror)

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