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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Shark Watch Moderators: bert
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  Author    Shark Watch  (currently 946 views)
Posted: September 28th, 2014, 7:01pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Shark Watch by Ronald Micci - Short, Drama, Crime, Drama - A wiseguy is sent to make a drug buy on the Jersey Shore, where a gypsy fortune teller is acting as the middleman in the transaction, but he is double-crossed by another hood posing as a fed. 11 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 9th, 2018, 7:07pm
revised draft
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Posted: October 1st, 2014, 4:14am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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Hey Ron - odd tale you've got here, but odd in not a good way. You're story is a little non-existent - I should say *spoiler* at this stage, but there's little to really soil.

R goes to FT and gives $ over with the intent of popping back later to pick up the drugs. Shoots a Waitress in the meantime. Comes back to pick drugs up and gets shot. BY a gangster pretending to be a fed. The end.

Problem from the off, when you've essentially not got a story is that you get ditracted too easily by minutiae - the kid buying stuff from (and I think you mean) the Guinean; the softball; and then as well, the waitress. All these are incidental to the story, and when you remove these items you have very little in the way of story left.

As you have no story, you have nothing which can therefore drive events to their conclusion, nothing which conflicts with the story, and nothing therefore for the characters to interact with.

It leaves it flat and meaningless.

Sorry to be negative, (although it's your fault that I need to be), but this needs a big re-think.
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Posted: October 1st, 2014, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not a big fan for this piece.  It was problematic and fell flat for me.

You need to tighten your writing up a little bit.  You can easily trim two or three pages off it without affecting your story.  Romeo's phone conversation at the bottom of page two is a great example.  It's not needed.

A lot of the dialog can be shortened.  I don't know if you were trying to set a noir mood, here, but it didn't work.

Quoted Text
People want their fortunes told.
That's why they come down here.
Sunburns, fortune, getting sick on
lousy pizza and cotton candy.

can be cut down to:

Quoted Text
People want their fortunes told.

The other three lines are not at all necessary.

On page one, you TELL us that Romeo is a runner for the mob.  On page three, you TELL us that the Fed is, presumably, a Fed.  On page ten, you TELL us that he's not really a fed but another gangster named Tony (btw, don't change character names in mid-script).

Don't tell us these things:  show them to us.  If we were to watch this on the screen, how would we know these things.

Twice in the script, you show the tarot deck being cut.  But you don't explain why.  It adds nothing to the story.

Why does Tony kill Romeo?  It's bad for business.  Aside for the fact that he killed a potential customer, he could've started a mob war.  The fortune teller, OTOH, got what was coming to her.

Your characters were very poorly developed.  They were cliche and two dimensional.  And if you don't care about the characters, you don't care about what happens to them.  Killing them characters means nothing unless it affects the reader.

Hope this helps.

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