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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Office: Boyz in the Hood Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Office: Boyz in the Hood by Pricilla Kumar - Series, Comedy - Dwight and Michael take a spontaneous trip after Dwight learns that Jan might not have had a sperm donor. Meanwhile, back in the office, the staff deals with the doldrums of daily office life. 20 pages - pdf, format


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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I write.

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I was just in the middle of uploading my own spec script for the Office! What a coincidence!  

I think the Cold Open could have been stronger.

I laughed at the end of the Kelly and Pam exchange. Good one. I think the bet would have been made with someone else though. Creed is too insane, but I can't think of anyone that would do that. Maybe Kevin? But he would have a different reaction than wink. Probably just stare and snicker at Pam, making her uncomfortable.

"The ghetto! WE are in the ghetto! - Ha!

Stanley made a gay joke toward Oscar? I don't think that's his personality.

I chuckled at the Long John Silver line.

10 - Jim?! I just assumed he wasn't there. You can't be ten pages in an The Office script and never mention Jim, even if he's not important to the story. And his "bobble head" could have been funnier.

"do you know where Micheal and Dwight are" - Jim definitely wouldn't ask that. But even if he was curious, I think he would have said it in a different way.

12- You already told us Tia doesn't have any teeth.

Pam and Jim running toward the window isn't in character. They wouldn't care. They would make a joke out of it. But Michael's response to Pam was funny. I wish it was delivered in a more comical way, but it was still funny.

"It means soda in Mexican" - funny.

How did Oscar know the woman's name wasn't Tina?

Michael saying he doesn't know anything about the Mexican culture because he's gay is hilarious. Creed saying "and you're Mexican?" Was even funnier.

"straight to the point" - funny

If you were going to end it with him screaming like  girl over the Margarita, then he should have been talking about how girly margarita's were so the joke would have been funnier.

You should have added about 5 more pages, and there were a lot of gay jokes. I found that strange.

I also think you had too many characters that weren't part of the office. I understand one or two, but that seemed excessive.

For the most part I think you got the voice of the character's down. Some kind of veered off every now and then, but it was a good effort.  
















I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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