House Band :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Simon,

If the comments sing to you, use them.  Otherwise dump 'em.

I'll start at the beginning.  In the opening scene you use good visuals, a drum set, amps, mics, it all gets done.  And then, we get Lacy.  I understand how you're working to show how shallow she is, but perhaps too much explanation?  She comes in, she tests the mics, maybe sings a note to check the acoustics, and out.

Next scene with Tanner is an info dump.  Need it?  We know Bob is smitten.  We know he wants to get laid. Move on.

And we get to the tryouts, and they're pretty good.  Lacy shows exactly what she is made of.  Works for me.

They find no one suitable, and then they make the deal.  Bob gets sex if he can find a guitar player.  A bit too much on the nose for my taste, but I'll buy it.

The Tanner scene is a rehash of what just happened.  Is it needed?  Why telegraph the search?  Send Bob on his quest.

Bob fails in his quest until he finds the homeless guy who just happens to be the best guitar player since eric clapton.  Fair enough.  Bob recruits Kevin, and he performs for Lacy.  Yep, just what the doctor ordered.  Seems too coincidental for me, but I'll buy in.

And we have the party.  I don't remember a setup for this, and I find it odd that Lacy would chance her voice on alcohol.  Forcing Kevin to take part seems forced on her part.  What does she care?  And Kevin falls off the wagon.

Bob to the rescue.  He kicks out the evil Lacy and reforms the greateful Kevin.

In my view, the characters are very stock, very one dimensional.  Lacy has no good side (well maybe the beauty), Kevin has no bad side despite losing everything to alcohol.  Bob learns a lesson, but it's blatant.  This reads more like a morality play than real life.

The dialogue is a bit too on the nose for me, and the settings don't grip.  Can you come up with a twist, a turn, a moral battle?

Best
Richard