Dra Åt Helvete by Rhys - Short, Psychological Horror - Harmony, a recovering anorexic teenager is forced to face her demons, literally, after she relapses by spending her lunch money on a spooky old trunk. 9 pages - pdf, format

Hi Rhys,

This is quite a good story, but is not written as a screenplay. Too much prose, the action paragraphs too long, too descriptive, too flowery...it slows down the flow considerably.

The dialogue is realistic. The premise is good. There is a good short film in here, just needs an extensive edit.

All thee best.

Chris

Rhys,

I like the story for a short. Good imagination. As per above, adjust your approach,streamline and repetition (no need to mention character names multiple times in a single paragraph when other characters aren't a factor.

Gl

Tony

Rhys,

Some notes.

For me, this one doesn't have enough set up.  I am not a fan of coincidence.  Finding the trunk at the gypsy camp doesn't work for me.  Having mom show up when needed doesn't fly with me either.  You might argue that since Harmony isn't answering her phone, mom has to check, but obviously, mom doesn't have such a relationship.  These two don't like each other.  For me, some foreshadowing is in order.   And how does Anna just appear?  

The writing is fine.  The dialogue could use a scrub.  I think 10-year-old Harmony would yell something other than 'you can't change me.'  In fact, something did change her.  

And the last fight seems something the writer wants, not the people involved.  But that's me.  

You have a solid idea, but I think you might play it a bit differently.  Harmony gets the trunk not because it sings to  her but because it was left to her or sent to her--maybe by mom.  Hmmm.  Enough.  Keep writing.

Best
Richard