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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Uncharted Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: March 25th, 2016, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Uncharted by Luis Filipe Araujo - Action, Adventure - The treasure hunter Nathan Drake begins a journey in search of treasure in the legendary South American city of El Dorado. But he discovers that a competing group also wants the lost treasure. 116 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  April 17th, 2017, 1:12pm
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Chase
Posted: March 26th, 2016, 11:54am Report to Moderator
Red


If nothing goes right, go left.

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I guess it's safe to assume that English isn't your first language.

Regardless, I read the first couple pages but couldn't continue. Just too much wording and camera directions. There are also a lot of "we sees" (three in the first page alone). Try to cut back on that.

This script could be cut down tremendously. For example:

Pg.2

"Drake think of another way to get what he want, but when he
looks away, sees TWO SECURITY GUARDS watching the place."

You could just right:

"Drake contemplates. TWO SECURITY GUARDS pace out front." (Cause that's what they do in the games, right?)

Try to write as economically as possible which usually means writing what we see and what we hear. Each paragraph representing a beat of action.

I'm not even close to being a good writer so me spotting these mistakes means you should read more scripts to see how other writers present their stories.

Practice makes perfect so keep at it and good luck.


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