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Monsanto Man - OWC (currently 2964 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:06am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16561 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
Monsanto Man by 0 - Short, Comedy - Kirk is exposed to chemicals and radiation at a Monsanto plant giving him powers to cause plants to grow extremely fast. But can he escape from the Monsanto people before they harness him for their own greedy purposes? 6 pages - pdf, format |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:09pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1861 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Long logline... We don't know who Kirk is, usually best to leave the name off.
Not easy to keep track, but funny in parts like Rhonda pissed with everyone making themselves feel welcome in her house..
Overall it was pretty good, not the greatest writing but still it worked
Good job on entering |
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Reply: 1 - 24 |
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DanC |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:30pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1129 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Some errors, especially at the beginning with typos and incorrect words or tense.
Parts were really funny. His girlfriend was the best part of the story.
It was funny. If you look past the errors, it had some good dialog. Again, his GF was the best part of the story.
6.5/10
Dan |
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Reply: 2 - 24 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:22pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4222 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
The idea behind it is funny and original but Mosanto Man is not something for me. I think its because the way it started. I don't see the question here, don't stay suspenced. So I don't know what to wish for when I read it. I see the Mosanto Man running away - but I'm not engaged because I don't know him, thus it's hard to root for him. |
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Reply: 3 - 24 |
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SAC |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:43pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3228 Posts Per Day 0.76 |
Writer,
Seems very rushed. Still, it's fun in a quirky way, but I found this to be more action/adventure rather than comedy. A few site gags that have me a smile or two, but that's about it.
Steve |
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Reply: 4 - 24 |
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stevie |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:10pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3433 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Look, I tried to get into this but couldn't. Great concept but...I started skimming and when that happens in a 6 page short then there's a problarmo
0 laughs out of 10 |
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Reply: 5 - 24 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:20pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1006 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Tough to follow the story. He's for some reason talking on the phone with a reporter rather than calling the police or better yet running away... random people are showing up at his house... it's just too scattered.
Need to focus it and hone the dialogue. Stick with him and the girlfriend. Maybe open on him running into the house, going on about this crazy story while she's all confused. Then he shows her his powers, Monsanto people roll up looking for him, they escape in a vehicle... something like that.
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| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 6 - 24 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:32pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2609 Posts Per Day 0.55 |
Probably not the cheapest one to film, but that wasn't a criteria.
A few writing and format issues, but mainly the issue is a lack of focus. You have six pages, well for this challenge, so keep it limited and simple.
Making things grow fast, sound idea. Now where would that be difficult and funny??
All the best |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Reply: 7 - 24 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:48pm |
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Old Timer
LocationTexas Posts1305 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Was a bit scattershot for my taste, didn't have the laughs I was looking for. So he winds up as a pot grower with huge plants. Is that a superhero power or just some sort of a mutant thing? The writing was okay, just needed a little oomph in the humor department.
Verdict: pass
THanks for entering - best of luck.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 8 - 24 |
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Ryan1 |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:32pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1098 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
I found my attention starting to stray around page 2. The idea was pretty good, but the story didn't feel cohesive enough. Might have worked better if Kirk was just a guy trying to grow weed at home and failing miserably and then he gained his powers. |
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Reply: 9 - 24 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.86 |
First - many kudos for a great premise - the power to grow plants - nice!
It fell off the rails for me at Orgasmo man - there was simply no need to introduce other super heroes and it derailed what was otherwise a solid premise. |
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Reply: 10 - 24 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:42pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4367 Posts Per Day 1.10 |
I just couldn't get into this one, not sure why I guess it just didn't flow for me.
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Reply: 11 - 24 |
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Nomad |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 11:45pm |
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Been Around
LocationSouthern California Posts751 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
There wasn't really anything funny about this. It was just on the other side of funny. It was almost there, but...alas.
I wish you had done more with the Monsanto angle. Irradiated corn was good but you could have taken is so much further.
Congrats.
Jordan |
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Reply: 12 - 24 |
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Trojan |
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 12:35am |
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LocationAustralia Posts393 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I don't know if it was just because this was rushed, but there's a lot of issues in this script.
Typos, grammar, slug lines, dialogue, there's a lot of mistakes here.
Make sure your characters don't all sound the same. If you're going to have a particular speaking style e.g. "Wha'd ya" (which is incorrect, but that's another issue) don't have multiple characters saying it.
Interesting concept, but I didn't find this that funny. |
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Reply: 13 - 24 |
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RichardR |
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 11:14am |
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Posts888 Posts Per Day 0.25 |
Had possibilities but ran into cliche after a while. Nice super power though. |
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Reply: 14 - 24 |
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