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The title was a little dull for me, and the log-line was quite literal.
It was well written, nicely formatted.
It got quite boring and repetitive for me by the bottom of page 4. It improved considerably after that.
I definitely liked the interaction at the end with the robot, who was very well written.
Overall, I thought it was OK. Already I am seeing a pattern in these shorts...people in a taxi, one gets killed. This, like the others I've read, is a very simple story...there's no real dramatic irony, so it's not really complete.
It's just a random guy getting killed due to new technology (which was kind of hard to buy). To be a complete story it would work better if he was the creator, and was anal about time keeping, or taxis not being reliable, or predictable..whatever...so he's killed by the thing he himself loves.
Good job on this one. Shades of 2001 for sure. I enjoyed HAL'S relentless droning and Dave's escalating anger and frustration. Totally met the requirements. Good luck.
The one thing bumping me is the review web address. Seems out of technological touch. Shouldn't there be a QR code to scan, or something easier and more modern?
It's good fun! Clean and smooth, and the argument on the phone works well. It's just a technological boogeyman story, but it's worth a laugh. It could probably be even shorter -- losing some stuff off the first half -- without missing much.
You sprinkle enough 2001: A Space Odyssey references into this script to satisfy most fans. But it works if you don't know the references too. I liked the simple premise and clear writing. Does HAROLD stand for anything?
I stupidly read the comments before the script, and wasn't too keen on a 2001 rip off. That being said my opinion completely changed after a couple of pages.
The frustration felt real, and I actually found myself laughing out loud at a couple of parts.
My favorite so far. Funny stuff here. I definately felt his pain. Only caught one typo.
Great job and congrats,
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Not bad - chugged along nicely, not overburdened with descriptions or dialogue.
But I don't know, lacked something. It was a nice idea but really that's all it was - a nice idea. It didn't really feel as if there was any substance for me.
I'm not overly keen on non-sentient characters like robots, so it may just be me - other seemed to like it.
I enjoyed this for the most part, but I agree with those who said it lacked something. Perhaps dramatic irony, perhaps a simple turn in the scene. Dave gets in the car already not liking it and nothing gives him any reason to feel differently. As a result, there's a bit of sameness across the whole thing. It may work better if he actually likes the car in the beginning. Maybe is even naively enamored with it at first, and the story can turn on the moment he realizes all is not rosy. It would allow him to go through a greater range of emotion, from "this is awesome" to "this really sucks" vs from "this kinda sucks" to "this REALLY sucks".
Otherwise, it builds nicely once the car blows passed the sign.
Need to spell out the numbers. For a OWC, I'll overlook it, but need to fix it afterward. Okay, that's all I have as far as problems. This was really good! I liked the heck out of it and read it all the way to the end. My favorite so far, and easily filmed. Dialog was good and Hal was a hoot. I work on machines, so I enjoyed this! Great job!
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Inspired by 2001 of course, decent effort, can't fault you for much. Wasn't as receptive to it as I should've been, probably because it was obvious where the story was going. Not much to say here unfortunately.