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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  See You In Court
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Don
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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See You In Court by Linda Gould - Short, Action, Adventure - When a Cuban-born ballplayer is abducted, his sportswriter fiancée and her fraternal twin sister, a Department of Homeland Security bureaucrat, decide to conduct competing investigations.  9 pages - pdf, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 19th, 2017, 5:45pm
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RichardR
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Right off we have a problem.  CHARACTERS are in caps when first introduced, and generally, an age and description are added.  The reader needs to know something about them.

The first scene simply lacks for action and doesn't ring true, at least not for me.  

And the next sequence doesn't get better.  The whole sister thing seems manufactured.  You have an agent of Homeland Security openly committing adultery, and that's not a good thing as far as federal agents are concerned.  And why would she go downtown in the first place?  

And the ending...hardly an ending at all.  I suspect this is part of a larger piece, and as such cannot stand on its own.  

You might do well to read some scripts and think about characters and their motivations.  

Best
Richard
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Lgould
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Thanks for commenting. You are correct that this is part of a larger piece, entitled "Let's Play Ball." Miranda is a bureaucrat rather than an agent--perhaps an agent wannabe. True, studying other scripts more extensively can't hurt.

Linda
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Female Gaze
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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If you just want to see what people think of this without putting all of the script up then maybe add this to WIP(Work-in-progress) instead of the short section.

That way people know this is part of a longer piece and not a stand alone.
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Lgould
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks. I did intend for it to stand alone, although it is also part of a larger piece.
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Simon
Posted: September 4th, 2017, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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It's a shame it had to end there. Maybe your characters have a problem with likability; Miranda is associated with someone who could give someone a black eye without too much problem. Still, I was interested in where this was going, and maybe making your characters likeable would be impossible for this kind of script. But it's something to think about, I guess. The opening scene came across as a bit maid and butler-ish, but I thought everything else was pretty good.


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Lgould
Posted: September 5th, 2017, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for commenting. I will soon be posting a longer version of this story, called "Let's Play Ball." Maybe you would be interested in checking that out. Again, thanks for the suggestions.
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