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My first thoughts about the logline: US MERCENARY reads strange, since a mercenary usually fights for monetary gains. So, he wouldn't be working for the US.
But, since you removed the watermark at my request, I decided to see if US MERCENARY was important to this story.
Unfortunately, 10 pages in and I have zero clue what's going on. Maybe it's me, I don't know, but sorry I can't be of help with feedback. Hope others can.
If Mo just escaped from JuVee he might indeed still be wearing his orange jumpsuit but UNDERNEATH a coat or something. We can still get the picture of who he is if the first shot of him is pulling a stolen jacket over the orange jumpsuit. We need to believe he would be smart enough to stay hidden. It would also foreshadow him being the resourceful hero later on.
“Mo backs the cop car away from the pier. Beats the Asian Pimps with the nightstick. They cower.” Awkward action beat. If he steals the car let’s see him drive for a bit. Then get out. Chase the pimps. And if he beats them they’re going to do a lot more than cower. You’ve shrunk a half page of action into three sentences.
p.3, if you’re going to show us a flashback, don’t have Mo tell us exactly what happens before you do.
p.4 Kola doesn’t need to say “your son Mo’s…” Sofia knows who he is.
“The confines of death promise to make prisoners of us all.” Mo’s line is poetic but does not fit his character at all.
The entire scene is odd. Mo and his mom don’t speak like normal people. She refers to herself as a drug-addicted whore. Then she dies. Then he jumps out of a window in a rather comical moment. You’ve got drastic changes in tone here and Mo’s personality is all over the map.
Reflection of the Twin Towers off a wave in Hawaii? Huh?
p.7, Ha ha, Kola is the worst cop ever.
When does this take place? Mo would have been 2 on 9/11.
p.10, he has to save his Mom? I thought his Mom was dead.
p.13, Goose’s long bit of dialogue might as well be titled “Exposition”… find a way to weave that information more naturally into the story. And we don’t need a reminder of Mo witnessing his friend’s death. We already know that. Never tell your reader information we already know.
Goose breaks into the bus as Mo is trying to escape: weird little action scene. Seems out of place in a war movie.
Osama Bin Laden is still alive… ah ha, so obviously this takes place in the past. Maybe include a title card telling us the year to avoid that confusion.
p.20 They had Bin Laden and let him go? Yeah… no way the military would support this script.
p.21 Now Mo is dangling other soldiers from the open door of an airplane? I’m not sure what tone you’re going for here.
p.27 nice transition from the spinning skateboard to the helicopter blades, although the entire previous scene can be cut. They basically just rehashed Mo’s life story. Again, information we already know!
Consider a different name than Goose. Comparisons to Top Gun are inevitable.
p.31… wait, real zombies? What is going on?
p.32 Why did he kill Tommy? You’ve got a lot going on here but none of it makes sense. This is a struggle to read and that’s the last thing you want in a screenplay.
By page 30 you should have the central conflict up and going. I’m still not sure what the central obstacle is for Mo to overcome and I’m on page 35.
And now Alicia just killed her Russian pedophile abuser? That’s a subplot we could cut. Keep the focus on Mo.
I’m sorry but Mo would not be skateboarding through a military hospital. You’ve already established that he’s a carefree spirit. Now it’s just silly.
The ending is cute with his mom as a zombie and Mo switching out the music. Nice twist. You’ve got so many different stories and tones happening here that making it through is difficult. For a zombie script, it never feels horrific or fun in the traditional sense. I wouldn’t even define this as horror. A young muslim motivated to join the military after 9/11 is a good story. An army grunt that suddenly encounters zombies is a good story. Most of the stuff with Gary and Tommy and Alicia and the money can be dropped. The interest level just wasn’t there for me. You’ve got too many characters saying and doing goofy things when the tone should be totally serious or totally funny but not as random as it is right now.
The Hawaiian background/opening is interesting and not something we see on film very often. Keep that in. Simplify the story: Hawaiian troublemaker joins the Army and must grow up when his platoon is stranded in the Afghan mountains surrounded by Al Queda zombies!
With some strong editing you might have something here. Your dialogue is confusing but overall pretty strong. Cut anything that the reader already knows. Cut any scene that doesn’t drive Mo’s story forward. Keep the overall story simple, cut most of the characters, and I’ll look forward to reading the next draft.
Thank you for your reading my script through and all of your comments. I appreciate your views and insights. I'll be sure to check your short film Grief and your trailer. Thanks again and good luck with your Serpent movie.