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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  New Life Moderators: bert
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  Author    New Life  (currently 647 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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New Life by Steven Wood - Short, Sci Fi  - In a world where suicide is outlawed and death is treatable, Robert must deal with his new profession as a Contractor. Someone who re-kills people brought back to life after a suicide. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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RichardR
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I like the idea, and I liked how it opened.  The problems come a little downstream.  The voice overs are basically info dumps, and I think you might try to incorporate that info into the action and dialogue.  The way I understand the story is that once this guy rejuvenates, he can't work for the company.  So, he freelances as a killer of people who fraudulently got the treatment.  You might want to explain why dying naturally outranks suicide since death is death, but I'll accept that premise.

Also, I think you might want to have the marks put up a better fight.  Hide better, defend better, make Robert work for his money.  He is, in effect, a modern day bounty hunter.  So, put some obstacles in his way.

Best
Richard
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Steven
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Some notes.

I like the idea, and I liked how it opened.  The problems come a little downstream.  The voice overs are basically info dumps, and I think you might try to incorporate that info into the action and dialogue.  The way I understand the story is that once this guy rejuvenates, he can't work for the company.  So, he freelances as a killer of people who fraudulently got the treatment.  You might want to explain why dying naturally outranks suicide since death is death, but I'll accept that premise.

Also, I think you might want to have the marks put up a better fight.  Hide better, defend better, make Robert work for his money.  He is, in effect, a modern day bounty hunter.  So, put some obstacles in his way.

Best
Richard


Thanks for checking it out.

This is a feature I've been working on but have since took a break. I wanted to write a short version just as an exercise to garnered any interest.

In the feature, after the flash forward (same as in the short), we go back to the hospital and follow him home and see his first interaction with a couple of contractors. We also meet his brother (who he finds out later is one of these suicide cases, but decides not to kill him and they go on the run).

I show his first contract job, so obviously things don't go well, etc.

I know the concept is a little out there, or weird, but I think it works, and obviously the "rules" of this world will be laid out a little better in the feature.

The procedure used to be free for people that commit suicide. So, the terminally ill would kill themselves so they can get the procedure for free (it would otherwise cost them). Record numbers of people did this, and came back to life. Thus resulting in the need for New Life to hire a third party contracting company.

The procedure in a nano-bot tech, that can heal the person in real time. If there is an accident, the tech does nothing. Each patient is monitored (via the different colored eye) and the action resulting in the injury is reviewed. The healing process will begin if the wound was self inflicted. This is done as a motivation to fulfill payment.


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Cam Gray
Posted: June 21st, 2017, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Interesting little one this. I see you mentioning feature in your reply above, and I guess that's what I was feeling reading it.

There's some good stuff in there, but a lot more exposition is probably needed to really explain it to the full. I like the idea about the eye colour being a factor of survival, that was a random quirk, and even though he's a seemingly minor character, I liked Russell.

You've got quite a "choppy" writing style (hope that makes sense). This normally throws me off, but it didn't bother me here, so I guess that's a good thing as it didn't detract from the overall work as I feared it would when I first started reading.

My only little niggle would be Robert's introduction to the group, where Paul calls him over by his first name, and then introduces him as if he hasn't seen him before. Maybe that's supposed to be an awkward transition, but if this is the case maybe blow Paul's awkwardness out a bit more to highlight social ineptitude.

Anyway, overall a good read. Nice concept and good execution.

Cam


Tommy's Millions - https://tinyurl.com/lgugbvz
Dick Jokes - http://tiny.cc/qw0cay
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eldave1
Posted: June 22nd, 2017, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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I found the premise very interesting. Really like some of the small quirky stuff like the different eye colors. I did have a couple of nitty issues:


Quoted Text
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: SIX MONTHS LATER

Robert walks down a street that is lined with cars parked
against the sidewalk.


I think should be:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT

Robert walks down a street that is lined with cars parked
against the sidewalk.

SUPERIMPOSE: SIX MONTHS LATER

i.e, you have to be Superimposing over something - hence, putting a little description before the SUPER.

I liked the style for the most part other than one not issue. You use an opening "The" or There" in a lot of spots where they aren't really needed. Examples:


Quoted Text
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

There is a MAN at the front door, he welcomes the people
that enter.


Why not just:

A MAN at the front door welcomes people as they enter.


Quoted Text
INT. PAUL'S HOUSE - VARIOUS - NIGHT

The space is very clean and decorated with angelic
figurines, plush couches, pictures of scenery and brilliant
lighting that accentuates the deliberately placed artwork.


Why not

Very clean and decorated with angelic figurines, plush couches, pictures of scenery and brilliant....

i.e, no need for The space..

and this from earlier


Quoted Text
Robert walks down a street that is lined with cars parked
against the sidewalk.


You don't need the "that is. Just

Robert walks down a street lined with cars parked
against the sidewalk.

I know it is nitty point  - so ignore if you want - just struck me is all.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cam Gray
Hey Steven,

Interesting little one this. I see you mentioning feature in your reply above, and I guess that's what I was feeling reading it.

There's some good stuff in there, but a lot more exposition is probably needed to really explain it to the full. I like the idea about the eye colour being a factor of survival, that was a random quirk, and even though he's a seemingly minor character, I liked Russell.

You've got quite a "choppy" writing style (hope that makes sense). This normally throws me off, but it didn't bother me here, so I guess that's a good thing as it didn't detract from the overall work as I feared it would when I first started reading.

My only little niggle would be Robert's introduction to the group, where Paul calls him over by his first name, and then introduces him as if he hasn't seen him before. Maybe that's supposed to be an awkward transition, but if this is the case maybe blow Paul's awkwardness out a bit more to highlight social ineptitude.

Anyway, overall a good read. Nice concept and good execution.

Cam


Thanks for the reply. I've gone back to working on the feature, here is the intro...it's better written than this short.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_vHHlz3zmHYcENFeDhZOG5WSUU

Revision History (1 edits)
Steven  -  June 26th, 2017, 4:27pm
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Steven
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
I found the premise very interesting. Really like some of the small quirky stuff like the different eye colors. I did have a couple of nitty issues:



I think should be:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT

Robert walks down a street that is lined with cars parked
against the sidewalk.

SUPERIMPOSE: SIX MONTHS LATER

i.e, you have to be Superimposing over something - hence, putting a little description before the SUPER.

I liked the style for the most part other than one not issue. You use an opening "The" or There" in a lot of spots where they aren't really needed. Examples:



Why not just:

A MAN at the front door welcomes people as they enter.



Why not

Very clean and decorated with angelic figurines, plush couches, pictures of scenery and brilliant....

i.e, no need for The space..

and this from earlier



You don't need the "that is. Just

Robert walks down a street lined with cars parked
against the sidewalk.

I know it is nitty point  - so ignore if you want - just struck me is all.


I've updated and worked out a bunch of things. This is the feature intro.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_vHHlz3zmHYcENFeDhZOG5WSUU

Revision History (1 edits)
Steven  -  June 26th, 2017, 4:27pm
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eldave1
Posted: June 30th, 2017, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Liked it - nice job


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ajr
Posted: July 3rd, 2017, 7:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Very interesting premise. Not sure if others have tried to tackle this material, but immortality - turning off the aging gene - is a hotly debated subject not only in science but in sociology and philosophy.

Glad to see you're tackling a feature because as I was reading this, I was saying to myself that this needs to be longer. As it stands now, this is a procedural, and an introduction - we get the setup of the new world, and we see a violator dealt with.

As you expand this I'd like to see you explore the themes that surround creating immortality. Everyone wants this treatment, and everyone wants to live forever, however wouldn't that create extreme poverty, given that the Earth has limited natural and financial resources? So the social and political paradigm might always be survival of the fittest. Instead of struggling to pay your bills, you'll fight to live forever. And of course the rich and connected will always win out. Could be a juicy topic. Good luck with it.


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Steven
Posted: July 5th, 2017, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr
Hey Steven,

Very interesting premise. Not sure if others have tried to tackle this material, but immortality - turning off the aging gene - is a hotly debated subject not only in science but in sociology and philosophy.

Glad to see you're tackling a feature because as I was reading this, I was saying to myself that this needs to be longer. As it stands now, this is a procedural, and an introduction - we get the setup of the new world, and we see a violator dealt with.

As you expand this I'd like to see you explore the themes that surround creating immortality. Everyone wants this treatment, and everyone wants to live forever, however wouldn't that create extreme poverty, given that the Earth has limited natural and financial resources? So the social and political paradigm might always be survival of the fittest. Instead of struggling to pay your bills, you'll fight to live forever. And of course the rich and connected will always win out. Could be a juicy topic. Good luck with it.


Thanks for digging it.


Actually, I'm not sure if the recipients of the New Life procedure become immortal. All I know of for sure is that the trauma they sustained is now healed. They will still die of old age or any other ailment, but the cause of their first death has been treated.

I initially went really hard with the sci-fi in this story, but I'm toning it down a little. The premise is still the same, but some of the "harder" aspects of the fiction have been removed.

New Life isn't a corrupt company, but the recipients do not know everything that is in their body, I'll leave it at that. Robert, on the other hand, knows all too well as he worked for the company but is not a patient himself.

That's where the concept ends, I'm struggling to find a capable story to back it up. I don't want to go with anything really tired regarding the genre. I had some ideas, like turning this into a thriller, where Robert is on the lamb from New Life...but then I remembered Minority Report. You know, guy who works for the company, knows the ins and outs, is now perused by that company. That movie even has a bit dealing with eyes, something I also have but am hesitant to pull the trigger on because of this.

I'm still working it out, this one is a real thinker and I don't want to dumb it down with a typical story.
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