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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Meet the Jerks
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  Author    Meet the Jerks  (currently 489 views)
Posted: April 17th, 2017, 11:55am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Meet the Jerks by Stephen Adams - Short, Comedy - A teenager finds a strange truth about his parents. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: May 18th, 2017, 3:16pm Report to Moderator

Los Angeles, California
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As I go:

  • Title page:  Or should I say lack of a title page.  You should have a title page.  
    While this won't affect the story, it'll affect the readers perception of you as a writer.
  • Page 1.  Lose the scene numbers.  They're not needed in a spec script and they just look wrong.  You're trying to tell me a story at this point in the process.  We're not making a movie just yet, so I don't need to know that this is scene 1.
  • Page 1.  Your slug line is incomplete.  You say that this is INT. HOUSE.  Which room does this scene take place in?  Is it a one room house?  Your slug should read something like:  INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
  • Page 1.  Slug lines need a time:  DAY, NIGHT, CONTINUOUS, DUSK, DAWN.  Something.  Anything.
  • Page 1.  When characters are first introduced they need to have their names in CAPS, followed by their age. SCOTT, 18.
  • Page 1.  You don't need to have the (CONTINUED)/CONTINUED:
    I can see that it continues.  I'm pretty observant like that.
  • Page 2.  "...a attractive..."  Should be " attractive..."
  • Page 2.  You have two periods after "...chopped liver or anything.."
  • Page 2.  "...your mind of it."  Should be "...your mind off it."

Skimming now...

I understand that comedy is the most difficult genre to write and that humor is subjective, but this is just doesn't work for me.  I didn't find it funny at all.  

The action lines and dialogue aren't horrible, but it's just the same over-the-top, crude, nonsense joke over and over.


Read my scripts here:
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
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Posted: August 28th, 2017, 9:10am Report to Moderator

English, self taught comedy writer

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I thought this was reasonably entertaining, but I thought your humour was based too much on drugs for it to be successful. Taking drugs isn't so bad, but the son's parents of all people keep on going on about how great they are. That will make your script too dark for a lot of people, I think.

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