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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Meet the Jerks
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  Author    Meet the Jerks  (currently 275 views)
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Posted: April 17th, 2017, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Meet the Jerks by Stephen Adams - Short, Comedy - A teenager finds a strange truth about his parents. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Posted: May 18th, 2017, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:


  • Title page:  Or should I say lack of a title page.  You should have a title page.  
    While this won't affect the story, it'll affect the readers perception of you as a writer.
  • Page 1.  Lose the scene numbers.  They're not needed in a spec script and they just look wrong.  You're trying to tell me a story at this point in the process.  We're not making a movie just yet, so I don't need to know that this is scene 1.
  • Page 1.  Your slug line is incomplete.  You say that this is INT. HOUSE.  Which room does this scene take place in?  Is it a one room house?  Your slug should read something like:  INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
  • Page 1.  Slug lines need a time:  DAY, NIGHT, CONTINUOUS, DUSK, DAWN.  Something.  Anything.
  • Page 1.  When characters are first introduced they need to have their names in CAPS, followed by their age. SCOTT, 18.
  • Page 1.  You don't need to have the (CONTINUED)/CONTINUED:
    I can see that it continues.  I'm pretty observant like that.
  • Page 2.  "...a attractive..."  Should be "...an attractive..."
  • Page 2.  You have two periods after "...chopped liver or anything.."
  • Page 2.  "...your mind of it."  Should be "...your mind off it."

Skimming now...

I understand that comedy is the most difficult genre to write and that humor is subjective, but this is just doesn't work for me.  I didn't find it funny at all.  

The action lines and dialogue aren't horrible, but it's just the same over-the-top, crude, nonsense joke over and over.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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