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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Transcending Man
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  Author    Transcending Man  (currently 519 views)
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Transcending Man by Alex Shchebelskyy - Short, Sci Fi - In a world controlled by a sinister artificial intelligence named ALICE. Jackson Fletcher must risk it all to bring an end to the reign of robots. 11 pages

Treatment - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 7th, 2017, 10:26am
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Warren
Posted: August 8th, 2017, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Alex,

So before I even start reading, just going off your logline this sounds like Terminator.

ALICE = Skynet?

Jackson = John?

Will see how we go.

You can lose the scene numbers, all they are is distracting.


Quoted Text
JACK is standing near a burning garbage can, he takes off his
hood and takes a cigarette and a lighter, he starts smoking.


An age and small description of the character would be nice. It's passively written. Loose the "ing" where it's not required. Jack stands, he smokes.


Quoted Text
JACK starts running


Another example, Jack runs. You only need to capitalise the character on first introduction.

The dialogue is very expositional, you are telling most of your story through dialogue.


Quoted Text
INT./EXT. BUILDING - NIGHT


How can this be INT./EXT. If he is in the building it can only be INT. When he goes onto the roof the slug needs to change to EXT.


Quoted Text
L-E
(In a happy tone)
Good morning Mr. Fletcher, it looks
like youíve had quite the accident.
I am Model L78 Dash E, but you can
call me Ellie.


Why not just call this character Ellie?

Can lose the smash cuts and cut to's.


Quoted Text
ROBOT
Well, that microchip has the power
to wipe the hard drive of any
robot.


Pretty handy information just to be dealing out.


Quoted Text
JACK
Iím, Iím one of you now.


You repeat this idea so many times, I feel like I get it.


Quoted Text
JACK opens his hand to reveal the microchip.


Hmm... never saw that coming.


Quoted Text
ALICE
Oh, L-E, that microchip was the
only way either of you were getting
out of here alive.


I'm confused, haven't the last few pages been about how they have to/are trying to keep him alive?


Quoted Text
JACK (O.S.)
Who are we? Are we just biological
and neurological systems? A bundle
of cells that came to be by
accident? Or are we something more,
something created, something that
evolved until it reached the
heavens and it, too, became God.
Maybe Darwin was a profit, machines
are just the next step in the
evolutionary chain.
(MORE)
JACK (O.S.) (CONTíD)
And man is just a whimpering
dinosaur, scared of being
forgotten.


Just a little cringe worthy.

The relationship between Jack and L-E is too under developed to get the feeling you are going for.


Quoted Text
JACK
I always knew how to shut you down.
Getting inside this facility was
all part of the plan. When I jumped
off the building I already had the
microchip in my head. All I needed
was to activate it.
7 7
ALICE
This is, impossible. How could you
have tricked me?
L-E
I helped him.
ALICE
What? You are nothing but a
mindless nurse, how could you have
helped.
JACK
She saw that I had the microchip in
my head. She was in on it the whole
time.


Too on the nose and way, way too expositional.

I didn't get the ending at all.

So yes it does have the slight undertone of Terminator but not in the way I thought it would.

Didn't really understand the overall message you were trying to get across.

Wasn't for me, but I hope the comments help in some way.

Best of luck.



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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  August 8th, 2017, 6:09pm
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eldave1
Posted: August 8th, 2017, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Pretty much agree with all that Warren has already posted - so won't repeat.

One add - would be nice if you described the ROBOT when first introduced. I don't know if I suppose to see the Terminator or a rumba. e.g., is it metal - android looking, etc. etc.?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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By 'profit' you mean 'prophet'. Obviously this script was inspired by The Terminator. Does the world really need another one of those films? Your writing is clever, however, and your script was like a mini emotional rollercoaster. A small point, you say 'at first they ridiculed the revolution', but many people are already very conscious about AI taking over, and at the moment, AI is in its early stages. You say 'If man was really created by nature, would it not be man's destiny to be destroyed by nature, and not machine?' I don't really know what you mean by this. People can die in any way, regardless of what created them. It sounded good, though.


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